Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

“Nothing you have not given away will ever really be yours.” – Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis

Posted: November 10, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
0

This quote reminded me of something today. Reminds me that I didn’t get sober to settle. That I don’t care about money, the way my father and mother pined over it, broke their backs for it, sweated it out, and died for it. I would rather work more hours, in a physically demanding job, alone, than ever go back to that state of being where I valued status or ego, or place in society more than my own peace of mind. I’ll not settle for the lesser state of mind from which I came. Sobriety is incredible. I would rather be sober and homeless, broke, riding on the bus, than care about what kind of car I drive, or what kind of job I have, or what people think of me. I have given it all away, more than once, and I’ve gotten it all back in sobriety, and that which hasn’t returned, I did not want.

I was great at sales, when I lied and manipulated a lot. But I was not happy.

If my sales career comes back to me on my terms, than so be it, but for the time being I will be content to take a less stressful job, and simply replace that energy, effort and worry I would be devoting to my career in the practice of writing. The autobiography needs to be cut down, edited, commercialized before marketed to paperback, but the format of Books4free.com works well, and now I just need to really find a vein of content where I can sink my voice, and spend some time devoted to a story that spans centuries… or maybe just multiple complex characters. God knows I’ve known a few.

I’ll return to the editing of the Hippopotamus Sea when I have some more time and money, but for now I think I’m going to begin just by practicing writing some short stories. They may not be great. They may only be rough drafts and I may even mix up character names or use them to line my kittens litter box, but I figure I may as well write them in the this blog as I  can hide and unhide them as necessary, or even go back and edit them. I’m not sure how the copyrights work on a blog, but hopefully, I’ll just prove I have enough content that I’m worth hiring over time, haha… But the basic premise and idea is that I write a few short stories per genre and see what I enjoy writing the most.

War Stories

Sci Fi

Horror (including but not limited to Vampires and Zombies)

Romance (though cynicism may reign in this topic)

Job Interview 2011

Sales Job 2011

Modern Church Experience

Divorce w a Child

Hunting & Fishing Stories

More or less this is to practice and exercise writing in a public setting… I figure if I just start with something, some sort of goal oriented project, I’ll accomplish more than just randomly writing cartoons that are hit or miss. This way, I’ll at least be working on my overall body of work. And I can feel better about my career in sales going to the sidelines for a while, as it’s made me so terribly unhappy in my sobriety. In my drinking and drugging it was always the means to an end, but soberly, I just feel like to much of a fake always trying to smooze, manipulate, make friends with people for the purpose of selling. I’d rather do an honest days hard labor and be able to write than to sell… Maybe one day I’ll be able to do both, but for right now, just really putting my heart and soul into cultivating my writing seems like it makes sense. I guess we shall see. haha, I make plans and God laughs!

-Jared Bryan Smith

GA 58th Prepaid Convention in Gainesville, Amazing Speakers!

Posted: October 28, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,
0

Wow what an incredible line up of speakers last weekend. I’d forgotten how powerful a huge group of drunks can be while listening to incredible stories of recovery. As Charlie Y. said to me outside “These things are a real shot in the arm to your recovery, but sometimes by Tuesday its right back to the same ole meetings, haha.” He had a great story, and funny as hell. All the speakers I thought were strong and funny. And the leaves up here in the mountains have just been magnificent this year.

I even experience less headaches up here by the water.  Someone said to me “It’s less negative ions” and I don’t know if that’s true or not, but damn if it doesn’t seem to be true at least. Which takes me back to my last posting about Post Interferon Syndrome. I certainly don’t mean to be throwing a pity party. I’m very grateful to be Hep C free and I recommend everyone getting tested and getting treated as soon as humanely possible. I only stress that the value of clear thinking, and positive thinking as well, is now so acutely meaningful to me, that “Brain Fog” is a real unwelcome permanent side effect some days. I only want their to be studies to test whether there are ways of improving the side effects and bringing normalcy to people’s lives who are suffering from such things. It took me 20 years of drinking to figure out how valuable my state of mind is one Earth, and right when I did I polluted it with some of the harshest poisons on Earth, Interferon, and I just wish somebody, somewhere was studying the long term side effects, and potential fixes.

I’m not advocating permanent pity party, or a wallowing in whining, but I think it is important to state the issue clearly, consolidate folks who are feeling this way, and petition the scientific community, especially the billionaire profit makers of Merck and Roche who have gained so much, to at least study some of us, if not all.

Still it felt like I’d complained a considerable amount and then that very weekend I ran into quite a few people who’d done a year of Interferon and had not got rid of the virus. Please understand, I am grateful I cleared it, and I do recommend everyone get tested early and treat early as they say it’s more effective the younger you do it, which was the sole reason I went ahead and jumped on the grenade… well that and my liver enzymes were through the roof and liver failure was a possibility, so it’s not like I had too much choice, but still. Get it done, but also, be aware it’s no small thing. It’s more than flu like symptoms. It hurts, and it changes the way you think, feel, and even bleed.

So what do you do afterwards, double down on recovery, call your sponsor more, go to more meetings, and try not to fall into the Pity Party trap chronic pain sufferers. I’m looking into finding a support group, and it’s probably something I should have done a long time ago. People close to me have said I’m always angry, and it’s not true, I’m not angry, but there are days when I am having intense headaches and I don’t know how to fix them. When they come on, and admittedly at 3.5 years post TX they come fewer and fewer, but in year one post TX, they were several times a week, so that too gives me hope. Allen, the guy who was originally talking about Hippopotamus Sea in my meetings, (which I’d later come to find out was Hepatitis C) said it was about 5 years before he was totally better, so there is hope as well. Hope that the post TX side effects while continue to slowly get better. And of course for people just finding out they have  Hep C, they don’t even have to go the full year, Telaprevir now reduces it to six months, so surely those side effects will be better as well.

The Prepaid Convention in Georgia was amazing this year, and I think I’ll be incorporating that into my sobriety moving forward. No matter what I am saved from the obsession to drink and drug and that was killing me much more fast than any other thing on Earth, and I no longer have to suffer from that. Hep C, headaches, fatigue, I will manage, and I am grateful to God, and to AA for holding my hand as I walked this journey, and with patience, and faith, I pray every year post TX will get a little better than the last. Exercise, diet, prayer and above all else perseverance will pull me through.

But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t address the issues, and ask big pharma what they’ve found, and if they know of any potential fixes, and if not, which I doubt, then to get fucking on it. They aren’t fictional side effects, and we’d appreciate the help or at the very least some studies be done.

Thanks for reading and if you haven’t read my story of sobriety, Hepatitis C and the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, its all available for free in my book Hippopotamus Sea: My Viral Sobriety by Jared Bryan Smith on http://www.books4free.com or in hard back on Amazon at the link below! Thanks so much for all your support!

– Jared Bryan Smith

Natalie Cole’s Health Battle With Hepatitis C w/ Mary Hart on The Early Show… “That Interferon is really serious.”

Posted: October 21, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
2

Great to see she is finally addressing her Hepatitis C. I wonder how many years total it lay dormant? What a hell of a disease. She walked around for 20 years just fine and then it hits her like a mack truck. Well I’m glad she’s speaking openly about it and doesn’t credit sloppy tattoo parlors like ole Gregg blames. Truth is one hell of a character trait these days, and Natalie seems to be facing things head on and without shame, and that is awesome. Also great news that she’s doing Interferon and not Ozone or Nitrus Oxide for Pete’s sake like Anthony Kiedis from Red Hot Chili Peppers, but actual Interferon like we all are told to do. I hope to hell she doesn’t suffer the post TX, or Post Interferon Syndrome so many of us are going through now. I blogged a bit about it on medhelp which is available via the link below, and basically as I state it seems to affect clear thinking, headaches, joint pain and the like. Nothing new, but still as far as I can tell being totally ignored by the medical community as a whole. And what’s good news for Interferon patients moving forward, is with Telapravir hopefully that number of people suffering from Post Interferon Syndrome will be even more dramatically reduced. It’s good news for people in general, but it doesn’t really help me or the others who are suffering extensively, from symptoms that are hard to prove, but exist in a multitude of us, as is reflected in this forum:

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Hepatitis-C/Long-term-side-effects-of-interferon/show/866107

I just read someone state simply : “Had I known the fog Interferon would put me in, I would have made my peace with God and enjoyed what little time I had left.” Someone else stated, “Yes my husband beat HCV over 10 years ago but now lives in a constant state of depression.” Those are just in the last few handful of posts. I certainly don’t wish for Natalie Cole to experience any post TX symptoms as I have, but if she does, or if Steven Tyler or Gregg Allman did and spoke up about them, maybe somebody would listen.

On the forum it talks about the Mayo Clinic recognizing Post Interferon Syndrome as a real issue, but it was never documented, cited, ie proven. I would like to see real research done to see if it affects hormones, blood levels, immunity, etc. Everything seems to be out of whack for me and obviously we’re not imagining it if there are hundreds of people from all over the country explaining the same symptoms. I’m around 3.5 years out from Interferon and still wake up everyday with a massive headache, I mean, that is not normal. Perhaps Natalie Cole will experience some of those same issues and begin to be a voice for folks, for God knows nobody else has done it.

There is a Doctor who posted even in that Medhelp thread, but I reached out to her personally and she didn’t respond. Her explanation of side effects is stunning, it’s worth reading, but basically she talks about not being able to complete the multitasking she used to be so capable of and having to resign as a Doctor of Medicine. I mean, you would think she would have the leverage to get people to listen, but I guess you’re talking about a multi billion dollar pharma industry, and these guys have power. Pharma is the Crown Jewel of the American Industrial Empire, and I suppose they aren’t about to take down a multi billion dollar line of products, especially when no matter what our complaints, it’s better for public health to get rid of Hepatitis C, than it is to wait until the “cure” has less long term permanent side effects. For the greater good, better to cure it now, stop it’s spread, than worry about what that “cure” does to people’s brains, especially when on paper, and through standard blood work, it looks as though they are fine. Those permanent side effects are much more difficult to measure, in fact it would take comprehensive aptitude tests taken before and after, and that doesn’t really fall under the gastroenterology field, they would need to bring in Neurologists and maybe even Psychiatrists to really measure brain function before and after Interferon and again, it still wouldn’t be better for the public, greater good, than curing it, no matter what. Still, telling people, they will only suffer “flu like symptoms” for a 12 months, is a bald faced lie. If I’d known a fraction of what I know now, I’d have at least waited until it was a more pressing case of Hep C before starting Interferon. Now that we are here though, I just want to know if there is anything we can do to improve our state of mind moving forward. Hormones, steroids, vitamins, anything.

Sadly without a voice, I don’t believe a single study is being done to even qualify our issue as a valid one. It could all change in a New York Minute though, and I do read of lots of people who don’t suffer these symptoms. Maybe it was because I administered these shots myself for 48 weeks, maybe I overdosed a couple of times. Lord knows I’m an over achiever, and overdosed  a few times on the recreational stuff, though never significantly enough for death or a stomach pumping. Still perhaps my lack of health insurance and self-administering exacerbated the problem. I don’t know. Maybe it will clear after year 4 post Interferon. God I hope so, I really wish I didn’t get the headaches and brain fog. Maybe someone with credentials, or fame will give the syndrome a voice, and we will get studied and fixed. I don’t know, I’m gonna keep on keeping on, I didn’t get sober to bow out or give up, but this is certainly been challenging as hell, it’s persistence daunting.

And again, even with all that said, I am glad to be Hep C free. My liver enzymes were through the roof, and a friend of mine just had his come back after going through Interferon twice, once for a year, and once for a year and a half, and it’s come back. Now they think they’ll treat with Telaprevir. And he states he doesn’t get the brain fog, so it’s just weird. I’m glad it’s gone, and I’m glad he can treat now with Telaprevir with odds of 80% instead of 50%. God willing he’ll beat it, and God willing this fog and pain will fade away. I am grateful to be alive, I just wish more was being done to address the long term implications of Post Interferon Syndrome so many of us seem to be experiencing.

If you haven’t please check out my journey of sobriety, Hep C, and Interferon for free on http://www.books4free.com and of course on Amazon:

– Jared Bryan Smith

Perserverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. -Walter Elliott

Posted: October 1, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
0

They say perseverance is the principle behind the 10th step, and those are some of my favorite promises the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
Alcoholics Anonymous pp.84-85

I’ve found those to be 100% true. And that is the real miracle of all of the entire process. I sometimes forget who bad the obsession was for me when I first came in, and how amazingly different my state of mind is now. How thankful I am.

2011 has thrown me many curve balls. I’m still learning to cope with some of them. I can still question why God would bring my emotions to such an incredible pinnacle, only to have the rug pulled out from under me, on so many different aspects of my life. Perseverance is not so much of a trait as just a dogged necessity. In the steps. In life. And for damn sure in business.

I’ve had multiple recruiting companies in the Atlanta market over the past 10 years and the last one i sold for a small amount and folded up shop about two months before the crash of 2008 as I’d anticipated some rough waters ahead and I was right. I’d just finished with Interferon and I was tired. My mental functioning suffered quite a bit after Interferon as well and that was a major concern, that I’d hoped time would fix. It has to some degree, but I’m still operating at maybe 70-80% of where I was prior to beginning Interferon treatment. Had I known that I definitely would have waited until it was necessary to treat my Hep C, because I rely heavily on my intellectual faculties, as we all do, and now I’m slowly but surely coming to the realization that they aren’t coming back. Not to where they were prior to treatment. My photographic memory, and razor sharp quick wit are simply gone. Perhaps though, that adversity will sow the seed of success, making me become more resourceful, and more dependent on technology and a better way to recruit.

And so, 3 years after folding up shop on my last company, Seek And Employ, I have restarted another recruiting company in Accounting and Finance, but also this time I shall recruit for IT Positions as well. So many of the company owners I knew through the recession had diversified, that I think that will be a good strategy to prevent the company from grinding to a halt should another recession hit the market. I could have survived 2008, but I thought I’d find job security in working for others. 3 years and 3 layoffs later, I realize, we create our job security. Once you’ve owned a company it’s hard to go back to work for someone else I’ve found. So perseverance.

I start my 4th recruiting company in the Atlanta market, lol. 4th times the charm right? God I hope so.

Books4free has been an interesting side project, and I’m glad I finally have it operational. One day I’d like to come back and spend some more time writing, but for now, with my son 3 years from college, I need to spend some time building up a war chest for him, finish out paying my child support, and not make any major foolish mistakes while I complete the mission of raising my son, staying sober, and launching my new recruiting company. Yes, there will be sacrifices, and yes recruiting isn’t as exciting as software sales, marketing or humping the hills in Afghanistan with a Colt Automatic machine-gun, but there is no shame in being an entrepreneur who in just a weeks time has several Major Fortune 500’s agreed to work with him, and though lackluster, and not as thrilling, I am grateful I have the opportunity to represent such major companies and just go get the job done, recruit for them, and hit my goals.

And so I create daily habits, check lists, for the monotony of the recruiting business day cycles. Wake up, shower, work out, coffee, linkedin, recruit, certain number of calls, repeat. Day in, day out, persevere until you hit your goals. It is very lucrative, and habit makes it easier, it’s just doing it that is challenging. Get rid of distractions, turn off facebook, yahoo, and only blog on Saturdays will be the new rule. Focus, take advantage of the time given, and capitalize on it. Be the captain of your ship, the master of your own destiny, and make it happen!

And persevere. Remember all things are temporary. This too shall pass. Do the next right thing, do it well, and have faith that you will succeed. In sobriety, in business, and maybe one day even in love. Stranger things have happened, but right now, just focus on the goals at hand. Nothing else matters, but starting the recruiting biz now.

Writing, publishing books, etc. all needs to take a back burner. No need to take it down, just need to focus on restarting my career back up. Everything else will fall back in line once that is resolved. I literally have a finite dollar amount that is reachable and scalable, that I could hit in the next 3o days and be done with my legal responsibilities for child support… forever. That is amazing. That is sobriety. Close to 10k more, and I’m done for life. I mean, 5 years ago, 8 years more of child support sounded like a long frickin time, but now, it’s right around the corner. And conceivably I could hit those numbers in the next 90 days if I really stay focused. And whats more, I know they could really use the help right now, and how amazing would it be if I could pay them a lump sum all at once. That is my goal for right now. Get this recruiting company going, help my sons family out, and reinvest the rest back into the company to then pay off the car.

None of these dreams would be even close to possible if I were still drinking or using. One of our favorite arguments while out there used to be, “Well I’m not hurting anyone else, only myself.” It’s such a fucking selfish ass lie. When you tell yourself this blatant bullshit you’re not taking into consideration all the good you may potentially be doing instead of the harm. You erase the pain you cause those you love around you, the worrying, or even hell just the lack of family time you’d be spending, and that time, it never comes back. It’s gone forever. I know cause  both my parents are dead and buried. If I could have an hour back with my mom, sober… man I would give anything. But I’m fortunate still, to have finally woken up before I’d burned out the good years of my adult life. I’m now spent almost five years sober, doing good, instead of harm. Helping instead of hurting, and now I’m on the precipice of being able to help my family out much much more, because of my sobriety. Nothing would be possible without that.

Thank you God for my sobriety, my amazing family, and all my friends in AA. Perseverance pays off dividends like you wouldn’t believe. Please give me the strength to succeed in this business as never before, learning the lessons of the last three, and give me faith to believe that with you all things are possible.

Hang in there, the tide will go out again, the seasons will change. If you are bored just wait, everything changes and nothing on God’s green Earth happens without a reason.

-Jared Bryan Smith

Thank God for unanswered prayers. – Garth Brooks

Posted: September 16, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
0

First of all internet, come on, Garth Brooks didn’t write that shit, he’s a fucking thief. I know for a fact he stole Beer Run from Todd Snyder, that aint enough, the internet’s gotta give him credit for this gem too. I only know that nugget of information because my brother is a singer/songwriter in Chattanooga, Tennessee, and I have heard Todd Snyder’s version and Brooks version and Snyder’s is better. Man, it really is an unfair world. Of course if life were fair I’d be dead buried and in hell for damn sure. And damned for sure. No life isn’t fair…Thank God.

No, so after agonizing for weeks over the decision to join the Army or not, romantic notion or not, I finally gather up all my paperwork, medical records, criminal background and all and went in to sign on the dotted line. Only to find out that as of a few months ago the have raised the medical bar, to not accept people with a) metal in their major joints, ie ankle and b) hep c antibodies, cured status and all. 1 year ago I was eligible, but with the economy in shambles and enough people signing up, they decided to raise the bar. So there’s several weeks of pointless debate for no fucking reason what so ever. Well shit, I guess God has different plans. Which brings up an even bigger issue. I still have no idea what God’s will is for me. I pray about things and the answers I hear, like join the army, or date a newcomer, are obviously still the fucking answers I want to hear, and not the actual answers God has intended for me. But hell I guess I ultimately do end up with God’s answer, as things inevitably blow up in my face, and the saving grace is that I haven’t committed to, signed up for a war zone, or knocked up someone I thought I loved who didn’t love me only to have to pay child support for the next 20 years again. I guess this is progress. Not forcing it, but letting it go when it isn’t working out, even though I wanted for it to be God’s will. Well, you can’t manipulate the Army, though don’t think I didn’t think it through. Hell the Israeli Army is probably looking for folks, lol, and yes I visited their website upon hearing the bad news, haha. Nothing like forcing it for us ole alcoholics huh.

Aww well, guess it’s not meant to be. On so many levels. At least I tried. I gave it my absolute 100% all. I put all my fear and bullshit worries behind me and I went and made my intentions known, and they said, thanks but no thanks. I won’t have to live with regret wondering if I could have done something more, tried a different way, called one more time, written a note, it just doesn’t matter. They do not want me, there is nothing I can do about it, it just aint God’s will. Wish everything in life was so clear cut and dry as the Army.

So bigger and better things, what’s next for ole JB, well I suppose my fundamental talents in the recruiting world aren’t entirely useless, guess I’ll start that company back up again, perhaps even write a new book. Been thinking about a Sci-Fi series quite honestly. The challenge with the books4free.com format for an autobiography is that it really lends itself more so to that of a series, instead of a one time hit, flash in the pan. Also if I can model the books4free.com site to exchange facebook likes, with a simply pop up screen before you get to the registering page, as well as a pop screen to the facebook like, linkedin, twitter etc, in effect trading social media presence for the free manuscript, in addition to the email addresses I am already collecting, well then, books4free.com is a much more viable tool to the indie author willing to promote his book for free, in exchange for theoretical popularity. Soo yeah, perhaps, being rejected by the Army will focus my career path as never before. Launch the recruiting company, books4free.com with a renewed vigor.

Thank God for unanswered prayers, as it says in “Acceptance is the Answer”, my favorite fucking short story in the back of the big book, this is the one that finally set the hook in me, that third time in DeKalb County crises or the looney bin if you will “Today I find it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. This proves I don’t know what’s good for me. And if I don’t know what’s good for me, then I don’t know what’s good or bad for you or for anyone. So I’m better off if I don’t give advice, don’t figure I know what’s best, and just accept life on life’s terms, as it is today—especially my own life, as it actually is.” That is Dr. Paul O. 1918 – 2000. If you’ve never read “Acceptance is the Answer” you should. I’m saving it for an entire blog post on its own, he’s incredible.

“This proves I don’t know what’s good for me.” Wow. Yeah, duh. My own fucking brain wanted, desperately, conned lied, cheated and stole from me, to try to keep me drinking and drugging that first year. I can’t trust it. Why would I think I can trust it now. Careers I think would be perfect for me, marching around in 120 degree heat shooting a hot metal rifle, my mind told me would be perfect. The woman of my dreams, if I’m to trust my mind, would probably turn out to be the most cruel vindictive person on Earth. I’d do well to run more and more by my sponsor and less and less by my mind as this last year has really showed me it’s true colors, and how often I can taint it with romantic notions, and emotions, void of facts, clearly wrong.

So I must Accept, that I dodged a bullet. The Army doesn’t want me. So be it. I tried, I gave it my all. No regrets. It happened just like it was supposed to. I didn’t take too long, I thought about it for roughly a month before walking in prepared to sign the papers. I talked about it with my sponsor, I tried my best, it just wasn’t in the cards. Moving on. haha, at least thinking about it for over a year has got me in the best shape of my life, lol.

Jared Bryan Smith

Fear of death increases in exact proportion to increase in wealth. – Ernest Hemingway

Posted: September 14, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,
0

Well I suppose this Hemingway quote at least explains why I don’t fear dying in Afghanistan. I’ve been broke too long to fear death, haha. Nah, I still fear death, in fact years ago, and this is chronicled in my book Hippopotamus Sea, I did something like 5 hits of acid, a couple of months after doing 50 and being put under house arrest and beaten up pretty severely by Atlanta finest, ironically, about a block away from 8111. I digress… as soon as I was off house arrest, released into the wild if you will, we went to Rishi Nagranis and we all ate some LSD, and I ate about 5 hits as I recall. It is one of the only times I can remember having almost shamanic like visions. I felt like I saw the universe expanding and condensing on itself, my life after death, being a part of the molecules in the earth, and then in a tree and then eventually released free into the air, and I even thought I saw my own death. As fate would have it, it was by AK-47 in Afghanistan, and this was long before 9/11 or we were even at war with the Taliban. I’m sure it was just a collection of memories from a book or something I’d read, surely I’m not prophetic or anything at all, but damn if I can’t shake the idea of still joining up, even though I’d thought I’d decided against it.

I should just go turn in the paper work go spend the day at the medical office and see if it’s even an option. More than likely they will just say you’re too damn old, we don’t take Hep C cured or not, thanks for playing, btw we found an old fine you still haven’t paid the city of Atlanta from way back when in your drinking and drugging days. But at least then I’ll know that it’s no longer an option, that I tried, and that the romantic notion of adventure, combat, and stories galore is just a figment of my imagination and I can refocus on the work at hand, building a successful recruiting career here in Atlanta. And of course growing the Indie Publishing house books4free.com from more than just one book. I’d originally started hoping to include a bunch of recovery related books, but now I think my next project will be sci fi. Anywayz, finding out will at least galvanize my next decision.

“The shortest answer is doing the thing.”

– Ernest Hemingway

Another gem, so fuck it, lets go see if it’s even an option.

-Jared Bryan Smith

9/11/2011 – Remembering the chaos 10 years ago, in our nation and in my mind. Facing fear, sober and otherwise…

Posted: September 12, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,
0

September 11, 2001 is something I write about quite a bit in my book Hippopotamus Sea, and something I’ll not soon forget. I am a patriot and NYC is my most visited city in the world, outside of my home Atlanta, GA. I love NYC with a passion for all that it stands for, it’s arts, it’s diversity, its 24/7 commerce, it’s lights, its energy, its architecture. That a few mud hut dwelling piss ants were able to conduct a mission on it with as much luck as they did still baffles my mind.

In 2001 I had just started my first company. Fortune Staffing. I had placed an Auditor with Cox Enterprises and collected 17k within 3 weeks of hiring her, and I thought that I had arrived. Professionally, personally, everything. I’d been driven to start my own company out of frustration of working for someone else for so many years, watching them collect from my hard work, and I literally ripped a door off of my upstairs rooms hinges, created a desk out of it with a hammer nails and some 2 x 4s and I began making cold calls. I prayed, I begged clients and by my third week I had revenue. I’d started in August of 2001, and by the second week in September I’d collected and was feeling pretty amazing about my business skills at the ripe age of 23 or so.

I was also in love. The gorgeous 23 year old redhead model, who would that year be asked at my moms Christmas party if she was a Cheetah girl, was stunningly beautiful, and happened to live right down the street from me. It’s hard for me not to look back on this day with a bit of romantic nostalgia for my disease of addiction. I had woken up that day, made love to the redhead, smoked a bit of joint for a wake and bake, and was listening to the Regular Guys on 96 rock talk about a plane and then upon hearing that I turned on the news, just in time to see the second plane hit. And I knew instantly it was Bin Laden, who’d hit NYC years before and who we’d launched cruise missiles at in a knee jerk ineffective reaction years before. She drove to work and I drove to my house to tell my friend who was staying with me and we both sat up and watched the news for the next several days in a row if not weeks.

I’m sure I drank that night. I might have even done a bit of blow. I know I smoked weed. I hate to admit it but I let the fear in the media and the news consume me and I used it all as a reason to completely and 100% give up on my company. I look back on this and wonder how I could have let fear consume me as much as I did, but I did and I can not change the past. Instead of facing the realities of the economic slow down, I proceeded to stay as drunk and as high as I possibly could for as long as I could. I had divorced a year or two before and I guess my disease had been building up to a pinnacle. Unfortunately if you have the disease of alcoholism or drug addiction, you may go on for years, a somewhat functioning member of society, but eventually you will crack and go into a tail spin, and my 1st real tail spin as an adult coincided with 9/11 for sure.

I did a couple of good things before it all went to hell in a hand basket though. I took the red head to NYC when Giuliani asked for people to help by visiting NYC. Her mother mocked us as morbid, but I wanted to witness history. And we did. We witnessed families still in the streets crying, holding pictures of their dead relatives, asking if we’d seen them. We went to Hogs and Heffer’s and spoke to drunk fireman and iron workers, and commiserated and raged, and got wasted. We woke up feeling shitty and hung over and we saw soldiers in Time Square with automatic rifles, and at the airport, and we watched the news. We returned to Atlanta changed, sad, and filled with fear. We broke up. I drank it off.

Within six months I would close the doors on my business, have a serious cocaine habit, and be foreclosing on the first house I was so proud of buying at age 18. The economy would be about to recover, but I wasn’t. I was consumed by my disease. That was the beginning of the end for me. I was so fucking self-absorbed, I was mad at God for making 9.11 happen to me. As if the 3000 families of lost loved ones were not going through the same amount of pain as my self-centered ass was. But that’s an addict for you, not able to see the forest through the trees.

I’m almost 5 years sober now, and ten years removed from walking Ground Zero in 2001 while the rubble still smoldered, and the smell of fear covered NYC. I’m glad we got him. I am very grateful I am a changed man. Feelings are not things. Fear is man-made, and as a great man said and I’ve experienced first hand, “The only thing to fear is fear itself.” It’s so true for me. If I had just had faith, in myself, in our nation, in our overall economic prosperity I would still have that first business, but I let fear rule me and I let my disease take the wheel. It is what it is and I won’t make the same mistakes again, but I can’t help but regret it as I wake up still in a job search, considering my options in 2011, having been laid off 3 times in the last 3 years. Still, 9.11 was the vanguard of so many valuable lessons for me.

Not least of which was to cease fighting. For me, this has been so crucial. I simply can not allow myself to get so worked up and angry at people I’ve never met and have no control over. My anger after 9.11 led me to get in bar fights to no end, and  I assure you,  I beat up and got beat up by zero Taliban. But damn it if I didn’t pick a multitude of fights, stitches and all, fire off rounds into the air over in great dramatic bravado, and even get arrested for carrying a concealed weapon once all for the anger I held and the possibility I might be able to do something about a threat to our country. Very lofty thinking…that I make a difference. I made a difference to my arrest record. I still have a simple battery on my record from about a month after 9.11 and I’ve lost a few job opportunities to that bullshit. So there was that immediate anger, as we know in the program, much better left to be a luxury of more normal men, but also the political, conspiracy theories, or just watching the world and getting angry at say the conduct of our troops, or the deployment of our troops into different areas. The misuse of troops even. As if the greatest minds in the free world weren’t thinking this stuff through, they needed me to get angry, and sit at a bar and effectively bitch over it. I mean, what a colossal waste of time and energy.

In sobriety I’ve learned to really cease fighting everything and everybody, even politicians, generals and intelligence agencies, which have much more information than I do when making such critical decisions. I have to let go and let God, with my disease, but also on things like this that conjure so many emotions both good and bad, and just have faith, that God, who took us out of the fucking caves 50000 years ago, will somehow manage this crises, without the input of ole JB’s best counsel. I mean I know it’s hard to believe the CIA doesn’t need my advice, or the NSA doesn’t appreciate my strategic input given all my video games experience in Real Time Strategy WW2 ‘s, but apparently they do not. And more than that, even if they did, I would still have zero control over how things are going to turn out. On the macro, I am a grain of sand, and tear in the ocean, a pebble in the universe. I’m one of 300 million citizens, and one of 7 billion on Earth. Instead of thinking I have any amount of control at all, this has all been a lesson in humility, and in having faith. All I control is my attitude, and how I react to things. I am utterly powerless, except for in the micro, in my mind.

The United States economy is still kicking, however many trillions dollar less we may have collectively, but I would do well do keep the lessons, both personally and nationally as I face the decisions of starting a new company back up, joining the Army, or waiting for one of these offers to materialize. Number one, no matter how bad it looks, commerce and enterprise will continue. We may have 16 trillion in debt, over 40 million on food stamps, and more on SS and Unemployment, and if the government were to go broke, revolution would be a just a Rodney King episode away, but still, here we are, 10 years later still surviving. On the upside, I think even the Socialists have realized you can’t continue to print money. Uncle Sam’s bound to get things back in line in this next election, and face up to the dept we’ve amassed over the past 10 years expanding every branch of federal government and two wars. We still do have 110 million people in the country that are fully employed, and yes unemployment and underemployment are huge, we are still conducting business. We have to, commerce and enterprise are what made us great.

I have faith now, instead of living in fear. I  pray for God’s will instead of giving into panic, and he tells me to keep writing, keep staying sober, and keep facing challenges rather than run away. If shit does hit the fan collectively, well then, God will still be there. The same God that pulled together the events of the American Revolution and guided Christians through WW1 and WW2 will be around to look us all over here.

Everything is temporary and all I’ve got is today, so one day at a time brother. And don’t take yourself to damn seriously, there wasn’t much I could have done then, or now. I’m just not as important as I used to think I was, haha, THANK GOD!!

Jared Bryan Smith

Drunks and the Meanings of Dreams or Lack There Of…

Posted: September 10, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,
0

Great week for me. For weeks I’ve been praying for God’s guidance and direction in my job search, and I’d basically felt like I’d been beating my head against a brick wall for a few weeks, with dead ends, holding patterns, lost opportunities, and the oh so escapism fantasy I constantly return to… Afghanistan. Well one night this week, I don’t remember which now, I prayed intently, and slept well that evening and dreamed vividly for what seemed like the entire evening. The first dream, wasn’t the most profound to me, but it did have significance in that I dreamed i was about to take a drink and even in the dream decided, “Wait, it’s not the beer or the buzz, it’s that fucking obsession in the morning. So if you’re doing this to feel good, well in the morning that obsession back on, you’ll feel ten times worse, so your argument is pointless.” I heard that even in my dream and wasn’t able to drink even in my subconscious, or more miraculously didn’t want to drink, even in my dream. The next one I remembered was of a bunch of us middleschoolers from Crabapple Middle tearing it up on the football field at the Roswell Rec. I was quarterback and we were playing on the whole field, and Jay Houze was running down the field, and Steve Rose was trying to tackle me counting the Mississippi’s and low and behold I just decided to run for it and juked Stevie, ran the whole 100 yard outmaneuvered a few more and bam was in the end zone! In my dream I was barely panting, but hell even at 13 that run would have hurt.

So I was left the next morning to ponder the meaning of the dreams and as any alcoholic over analyzer will do, I thought and thought and thought about these and basically came up with what I am now using as guidance. You see I loved playing football growing up, absolutely loved getting bloody and running all over the place getting cut up and especially when after a long battle the occasional win. Unfortunately when I finally talked my mom into playing football at the Rec I absolutely fucking hated it. The dream, the romance and the reality just didn’t line up. The hours were hell, the pads were claustrophobic and the heat was just unbearable, and I remember wishing it would just all be over out there. I was the runt of the entire team, which didn’t matter as much in Stevie’s front yard, but when I was lined up against big ass Chad Crane, and we both knew I was going to get decked over and over and over again, helmet to helmet headaches no matter what moves or magic or even prayers, it just took all the romance right the fuck out of the game for me. Lol, I remember him knocking my ass over one time and I was just like, fuck this, I quit, and knew I’d never play football in pads again. The more I think about the Army the more I think that’s probably what I would end up like. Miserable. The romance of hunting Taliban in Afghanistan, just doesn’t match the reality of wearing Kevlar, and ten tons of equipment, a big ole oversized everything cause I’m all of 5’6″ and carrying around a big ole, hot metal gun in the 120 degree desert heat. Shit, an hour of that and I’d probably be shooting at donkeys, thinking they were Taliban. I’d probably trip over my own boots and blow my big toe off and have to write the stupidest combat blog ever known to man, lol. I have nothing but mad respect for our Armed Forces, I just think my romantic notion of what it will be like, and what its really like is probably way the fuck off.

The other thing I thought of was all the jobs I’ve lost over the past 3 years and how much better off I’d been if I’d just kept my damn company with all the contracts I had with Time Warner, Home Depot, Cox, I mean over 20 or so major accounts in the Atlanta area, and I thought I’d be better off working for other folks for a bit, when perhaps I really was better off running my own show the whole time. The fact that I choose not to throw to Jay, but instead ran the 100 yards, maybe means I’m ready to start my company back up, this time sober, from start to goal achievement. Sure we’re all worried about the potential government defaults and European credit crises, yes yes I see the trash piling up in the streets in Italy due to austerity measures and certainly I’m aware this is an unprecedented time in our history, but here I am third time in 3 years laid off, while giving it my best shot, and when I folded up shop, it was only for greener pastures. So with all that in mind, I come to find out that I actually made a placement at my former employer, which would coincidentally give me the ample funds to start my company back up.

This time though, in the recruiting world, instead of going with the name SeekAndEmploy, which was awesome mind you, albeit a bit juvenile, I think I’ll go a little more professional this go around with a name in mind i’ve kicked around for a bit.

It’s good to have options I suppose.

It’s also good to have savings while you consider ones options.

Both of which wouldn’t be a reality if I were still drinking. God is good, and there is a reason for all things under the sun, I need only listen and God’s guidance will point me in the direction I need to go. The difficulty usually lies in doing the right thing, right now as a friend would say. We shall see, but a much better end to the week than beginning.

-Jared Bryan Smith

Speaker Meeting – Alpharetta Group, Labour Day Weekend 2011

Posted: September 6, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,
0

It was an honor to be asked by Troy to speak at the Alpharetta Group and I accepted months ago and simply forgot that he’d even asked. When I spoke to him a couple of days ago I thought for sure it would be a breeze, no worries. But when I got there , a few small adjustments made a huge difference. The biggest thing was that it’s done at a freakin podium. I’d never done that before. I’ve always shared my story at 8111, well over the course of the last 4.5 years anyway, sitting down, relaxed, usually with someone even sitting next to you so you’re not entirely swamped with attention. But I’ve for damn sure never done it, standing at a podium the whole time, and when I saw that set up, man I have to admit it was a bit nerve-wracking.

The maelstrom of emotions was only added to when I saw the sponsor of a friend who hasn’t spoken to me in many moons, and as she sat down and looked over at me, I wondered what had happened. Again. She left moments afterwards, leaving me to create a myriad of reasons why, and wondering if I did owe another round of amends and to whom exactly. Who knows.

So the show must go on and I actually think I told my story better than I have at any other time in the past. I almost choked up twice, as always when I tell about my Dad killing himself, and then again when I talk about stealing my moms opiates, I don’t seem to be bulletproof to talking about those things as of yet, but it’s all good, I almost cried again when I talked about being finally relieved of the burden to drink and drug and what a miracle it really is. All in all it was one of my best stories ever.

I’m still on the job  hunt, still considering the Army, even though flight is totally out due to the heart murmur. I wish I knew if Infantry was still an option considering the Hep C, as someone mentioned to me they wouldn’t allow you on the frontlines, in case your bones might become Hep C infected shrapnel, but that seems pretty far-fetched. I guess there is only one way to find out.

Most people think I’m crazy to be 33 and considering the Army, but I run across men who understand. Talked to Allen last night, who was the first guy I’d spoken to about Hep C early on and who I’d thought was saying the phrase Hippopotamus Sea, and he’s in his sixties, selling cars now a days. Working 6 days a week 12 hour days, and he told me if he was young enough he would join the Army for sure. 20 years and you can retire. Full benefits, college paid for, health insurance. There is very little security in ANY industry out there, from cars to telecom, to technology, all the safe havens of careers are being shredded, and even the post office is looking at closing. And they haven’t even begun addressing budget issues. Of course, the military isn’t safe either, they could easily change the terms of pay at any given moment, but still, there is a relative safety and job security there…if you live. And furthermore, as a writer it would give me the details, experience, and depth of a real witness to history. I’ve been told I have a voice, and being positioned somewhere to really experience history, could give me the chance to really write and be heard. Of course going to war isn’t a prerequisite for a writer, but I guess it never hurts. Well so long as you survive that is.

It’s a lot to consider, and maybe even just purely romantic. They may say, you’re too damn old, with too many injuries. Guess I’ll have to fill out the paperwork to find out.

Headed To The Hurricane… Amelia Island, Family Vacation

Posted: August 25, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,
0

I used to not be invited on family vacations so I am grateful to be included, I just hope that Hurricane Irene stays off the coast of Georgia and we at least get a few days of sunshine.

It’s been a tough few days in my sobriety as I’ve dealt with being laid off for the 3rd time in 3 years, and it’s finally dawned on me that the reason I’d left my company, to join corporate America, was for job security. Oh the irony. I mean here I am looking at the last 3 layoffs where I’ve done relatively well, and in some cases better than most, and yet for one reason or another was let go, and lo and behold that premise of job security, no longer exists. So I’ve been brainstorming again about starting my old gig back up, corporate recruiting, or the headhunting game. Sure it’s a challenge with 9% unemployment, but hell, so is finding a job.

Had a few decent interviews this week but again, my redneck past always comes back to bite me in the ass. Bar fights and DUI’s however old, show up on background checks, even 10 years later, which incidentally is fucking bullshit, but whatever. The romantic notion of joining the Army too has lost a bit of luster, though I found I can join with my heart murmur, I can not do the job I really wanted to do which is Helicopter Pilot, so in essence, I could be a bullet stopper to I earn a security clearance to do something more exciting like Intelligence Analyst or even Medical route, eventually shooting for Doctor, but again, it’s a long hard road, and I’m not as sure about that as I was the idea of flying into hot lz’s… still the idea of carrying a gun and getting to fire it and getting paid for it, all while earning a tuition to college does appeal… I mean especially if economy takes another downward spiral. Especially, especially if that spiral quickens and the country’s problems go off a cliff, the Army is a safe place to stay employed, and i mean it’s still 20 years and a pension. It’s a lot to consider.

No matter what though, as always, I’ve found I’ve had my program to fall back on and guide me through the murky waters of indecision and the occasional thoughts of self-pity I’ve experienced while going through this transition. It’s crazy really, I never had these employment issues while drinking and drugging and I used to SMOKE ICE IN THE PARKING GARAGE WHILE WEARING A SUIT AND TIE! Haha, I mean fuck. I really thought my career would be the last of my worries in sobriety, and yet here I am. Still, I’d take this job insecurity over that monkey on my back any day of the week. And like yesterday, when I went to a meeting, listening to Paul, battling cancer, and homelessness, a man who was told he had weeks to live over 4 years ago, I don’t have that much to complain about. My self-pity is just pure selfishness. I have a perfectly healthy body, and my life has gotten better and better. Sure I don’t have the love of my life, or the career of my dreams or even a living situation that I’m comfortable with, but it sure as fuck beats what I came in the program with and all 12 committee voices in my head would have agreed.

So I’ll just keep on keeping on. Go to the beach and hope the hurricane stays offshore and pray that God guides me to the career in which I can serve him most usefully, whatever that may be. I also pray that all those I’ve met in the last 4 years or so who’ve gone back out, somehow make it back and survive the chaos and destruction of that terrible cycle. There have been so many good people over the years, and no matter what has happened, I hope they all make it back healthy and without too much more damage. Met a really cool guy who works in the movie industry in the last couple of weeks, and then as happens in our program, he just seems to have disappeared, and it really blows. So many talented people struggle with this beast, but I just have to remember, I didn’t get it my first time either.

The same God that got me sober is watching over us all, so I pray they all make it back. With God all things are possible! Wish me luck fishing during a hurricane!

-Jared Bryan Smith

Older Entries
Newer Entries