For years and years I jumped at the excuse for a fight, and a grudge, hell I collected those. Having had a spiritual awakening though, and being relieved of the obsession to drink and drug, and having turned over my will to God, I know for damned sure he doesn’t ever want me to be angry, resentful or aggressive in any manner… ever. Knowing these philosophical laws and acting accordingly are two entirely different things though. Still in all the literature, both AA, and New Testament, ridding ourselves of anger and resentment is a cornerstone of our new found freedom.
In the Big Book, on page 66 it says:
“If we were to live we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.”
A few years ago, and this is something I removed from the book, a friend of mine and I moved in together after I had finished my year of Tx, or Interferon treatment. I was literally evicted from the abandon house the month my TX treatment ended, which was a miracle in itself, but regardless, I was tired. Sheerly exhausted after a year of hellacious low level chemo for Hep C, and I just moved in with him thinking our long term friendship, from the time of kindergarten, was enough of a reason to trust him. I did it in spite of my sponsor’s advice, and despite the fact that he was still using drugs and alcohol moderately. All of those signs should have been ominous red flags, but in the program you just have to live and learn. It turned out, as my sponsor and network assured me it would be, to be a fricking disaster. He would get drunk, scream and yell at me and generally get both verbally and physically abusive. This was a guy I used to fist fight when drunk all the time, but I had about two years sober and was being told that wasn’t the way to handle things. So I would find myself walking away from my own home, into the night, as I’d done when I was drinking and drugging a lot and after about three or four months of this domestic drama I’d had enough and plotted a way to move out. I did so, one weekend, in a hurry, because otherwise it would have been dramatic and I’d had enough of the confrontations. After being successfully moved in to a new apartment near my work and starting a new job, he called several times, freaking out on me, saying he’d signed a year lease on account of having a roommate, etc, which I’d never agreed to, and also that I owed him some money, roughly 200 bucks for utilities. I said I would pay him at the end of the month. He told me to pay now or he’d call the CEO of my 25 million dollar company and tell them I was an ex heroin addict, had Hepatitis C, and in the end he said, nobody wants a junkie working for them. I called his bluff and a day later I was called into HR’s offices and confronted about being an ex junkie, and Hep C survivor, as if that was anybody’s business. I denied it all, but was actually fired for no reason, with the top sales numbers in the company six months later. When I walked out of those offices, I walked to my car, more like a quick march, and I prepared to go find this supposed friend of mine I’d known since kindergarten, and proceed to fucking kill him. On the way there, I heard a voice in my head tell me that I should go to a meeting instead. I went to the meeting, and like infinite times before I heard exactly what I needed to hear, that anger wasn’t acceptable for an alcoholic, and that I had to be rid of it. And so I prayed about it. I’d spent years in anger before. The beauty of alcoholics anonymous is that I had a network of men I could talk to about my anger, and within 24 hours I had completely, 100% forgiven this man for trying to get me fired, and ultimately freed myself of the resentment within 24 hours. When I was in my disease, I held onto resentments for years, even decades. This program taught me how to forgive, and be a useful servant to those suffering, because angry, who can I serve? Only myself.
Matthew 5:44
“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be the sons of your Father in heaven…if you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even the pagans do that.”
Funny how so much program stuff and Christianity go hand in glove like that. It is common to love those that love you, it is much more challenging to love those that have wronged you, or whom do not like you, but are not they God’s children as well? And especially in AA, where we want the hand to be open to newcomers at all times, under any and all circumstances, it is crucial to forgive, forget, and love everyone, no matter what, period, the end. Pride and ego make it easy to forget this fact, but that friend that called my boss those years ago, whom I forgave, has since reached out to me about quitting drinking. Had I hated him, or worse been aggressive and violent as my initial gut reaction screamed for, I could have closed that door of useful service, of being able to be a hand of AA. Thank God I was taught how to forgive, and thank God my resentments don’t rent space in my head anymore.
And even when it can seem unfair, Pauls words in Romans help me as well:
Romans 5:2:
“And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and hope.”
Basically it is easy to give lip service to forgiveness. To being kindness, regardless of all circumstances, to turning the other cheek if necessary, and being able to be of service, to everyone at all times. Just as Christ taught us forgiveness, the program teaches us that anger is the dubious luxury of normal men.
My ego, and pride can flare up and say something like “But then my kindness is misinterpreted for weakness, or naivety, or worse cowardice.” But as even Ghandi, who was not a Christian said ““The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Ego deflation though, is critical to all spiritual progress, as humility is the cornerstone of all spirituality.
So what if it hurts my ego. Suck it up cupcake. You can not let your light shine on the world, be happy, joyous and free and be angry at the same time. To be of maximum service of God, you absolutely must forgive yourself, and all others around you, all their transgressions, real or imagined.
– Jared Bryan Smith
JB Smiths Blog - Author @ books4free.com 