Posts Tagged ‘Hep C autobiography’

Speaker Meeting – Alpharetta Group, Labour Day Weekend 2011

Posted: September 6, 2011 in Uncategorized
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It was an honor to be asked by Troy to speak at the Alpharetta Group and I accepted months ago and simply forgot that he’d even asked. When I spoke to him a couple of days ago I thought for sure it would be a breeze, no worries. But when I got there , a few small adjustments made a huge difference. The biggest thing was that it’s done at a freakin podium. I’d never done that before. I’ve always shared my story at 8111, well over the course of the last 4.5 years anyway, sitting down, relaxed, usually with someone even sitting next to you so you’re not entirely swamped with attention. But I’ve for damn sure never done it, standing at a podium the whole time, and when I saw that set up, man I have to admit it was a bit nerve-wracking.

The maelstrom of emotions was only added to when I saw the sponsor of a friend who hasn’t spoken to me in many moons, and as she sat down and looked over at me, I wondered what had happened. Again. She left moments afterwards, leaving me to create a myriad of reasons why, and wondering if I did owe another round of amends and to whom exactly. Who knows.

So the show must go on and I actually think I told my story better than I have at any other time in the past. I almost choked up twice, as always when I tell about my Dad killing himself, and then again when I talk about stealing my moms opiates, I don’t seem to be bulletproof to talking about those things as of yet, but it’s all good, I almost cried again when I talked about being finally relieved of the burden to drink and drug and what a miracle it really is. All in all it was one of my best stories ever.

I’m still on the job  hunt, still considering the Army, even though flight is totally out due to the heart murmur. I wish I knew if Infantry was still an option considering the Hep C, as someone mentioned to me they wouldn’t allow you on the frontlines, in case your bones might become Hep C infected shrapnel, but that seems pretty far-fetched. I guess there is only one way to find out.

Most people think I’m crazy to be 33 and considering the Army, but I run across men who understand. Talked to Allen last night, who was the first guy I’d spoken to about Hep C early on and who I’d thought was saying the phrase Hippopotamus Sea, and he’s in his sixties, selling cars now a days. Working 6 days a week 12 hour days, and he told me if he was young enough he would join the Army for sure. 20 years and you can retire. Full benefits, college paid for, health insurance. There is very little security in ANY industry out there, from cars to telecom, to technology, all the safe havens of careers are being shredded, and even the post office is looking at closing. And they haven’t even begun addressing budget issues. Of course, the military isn’t safe either, they could easily change the terms of pay at any given moment, but still, there is a relative safety and job security there…if you live. And furthermore, as a writer it would give me the details, experience, and depth of a real witness to history. I’ve been told I have a voice, and being positioned somewhere to really experience history, could give me the chance to really write and be heard. Of course going to war isn’t a prerequisite for a writer, but I guess it never hurts. Well so long as you survive that is.

It’s a lot to consider, and maybe even just purely romantic. They may say, you’re too damn old, with too many injuries. Guess I’ll have to fill out the paperwork to find out.

Headed To The Hurricane… Amelia Island, Family Vacation

Posted: August 25, 2011 in Uncategorized
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I used to not be invited on family vacations so I am grateful to be included, I just hope that Hurricane Irene stays off the coast of Georgia and we at least get a few days of sunshine.

It’s been a tough few days in my sobriety as I’ve dealt with being laid off for the 3rd time in 3 years, and it’s finally dawned on me that the reason I’d left my company, to join corporate America, was for job security. Oh the irony. I mean here I am looking at the last 3 layoffs where I’ve done relatively well, and in some cases better than most, and yet for one reason or another was let go, and lo and behold that premise of job security, no longer exists. So I’ve been brainstorming again about starting my old gig back up, corporate recruiting, or the headhunting game. Sure it’s a challenge with 9% unemployment, but hell, so is finding a job.

Had a few decent interviews this week but again, my redneck past always comes back to bite me in the ass. Bar fights and DUI’s however old, show up on background checks, even 10 years later, which incidentally is fucking bullshit, but whatever. The romantic notion of joining the Army too has lost a bit of luster, though I found I can join with my heart murmur, I can not do the job I really wanted to do which is Helicopter Pilot, so in essence, I could be a bullet stopper to I earn a security clearance to do something more exciting like Intelligence Analyst or even Medical route, eventually shooting for Doctor, but again, it’s a long hard road, and I’m not as sure about that as I was the idea of flying into hot lz’s… still the idea of carrying a gun and getting to fire it and getting paid for it, all while earning a tuition to college does appeal… I mean especially if economy takes another downward spiral. Especially, especially if that spiral quickens and the country’s problems go off a cliff, the Army is a safe place to stay employed, and i mean it’s still 20 years and a pension. It’s a lot to consider.

No matter what though, as always, I’ve found I’ve had my program to fall back on and guide me through the murky waters of indecision and the occasional thoughts of self-pity I’ve experienced while going through this transition. It’s crazy really, I never had these employment issues while drinking and drugging and I used to SMOKE ICE IN THE PARKING GARAGE WHILE WEARING A SUIT AND TIE! Haha, I mean fuck. I really thought my career would be the last of my worries in sobriety, and yet here I am. Still, I’d take this job insecurity over that monkey on my back any day of the week. And like yesterday, when I went to a meeting, listening to Paul, battling cancer, and homelessness, a man who was told he had weeks to live over 4 years ago, I don’t have that much to complain about. My self-pity is just pure selfishness. I have a perfectly healthy body, and my life has gotten better and better. Sure I don’t have the love of my life, or the career of my dreams or even a living situation that I’m comfortable with, but it sure as fuck beats what I came in the program with and all 12 committee voices in my head would have agreed.

So I’ll just keep on keeping on. Go to the beach and hope the hurricane stays offshore and pray that God guides me to the career in which I can serve him most usefully, whatever that may be. I also pray that all those I’ve met in the last 4 years or so who’ve gone back out, somehow make it back and survive the chaos and destruction of that terrible cycle. There have been so many good people over the years, and no matter what has happened, I hope they all make it back healthy and without too much more damage. Met a really cool guy who works in the movie industry in the last couple of weeks, and then as happens in our program, he just seems to have disappeared, and it really blows. So many talented people struggle with this beast, but I just have to remember, I didn’t get it my first time either.

The same God that got me sober is watching over us all, so I pray they all make it back. With God all things are possible! Wish me luck fishing during a hurricane!

-Jared Bryan Smith