Posts Tagged ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’

Post Interferon – Post Celexa – Take 2 with Lamictal (Lamotrigine)

Posted: July 8, 2012 in Uncategorized
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Man oh man how nice it was when Celexa worked for so long in keeping the Post Interferon headaches at bay. And how disheartening when it simply stopped working about 5 months into treatment. So with my Doctors counsel I tried to first double the Celexa from 20 mg to 40 mg only to have my headaches increase in intensity almost immediately. But, since the Celexa had taken two weeks to feel somewhat positive to begin with I held on for two weeks suffering through an intense basically constant headache through the first two weeks of June, and then finally gave up on that increased dosage strategy, and went back to the 20 mg for a week, then down to 10 mg and then off for about a week, before beginning the next step in this process, to try lamictal. I had used it once a few years back and had some good luck with it however I’d stopped when laid off from my recruiting job, and losing my health insurance. The experiment of course was to try several different meds until I found one that worked, while I have the good health insurance, and before I take any major entrepreneurial risks. I just want to be fully operational, or even just find something that makes me fully functional and for a while Celexa worked, until it just didn’t. When I stopped taking the Celexa though, I was reminded of the original headaches I’d been taking it for to treat in the firstplace. I was hoping that conditions and variables had changed, or rather that my quitting drinking coffee was going to make the headaches disappear entirely and therefore make the headaches disappear, however this wasn’t the case. It was weird though, getting off Celexa, about as weird as getting on it was. I was out of sort, dizzy sometimes, and just not myself.

So Lamictal, originally suggested by my Neurologist a few years back takes about 2-3 weeks to get up to its full dosage and I’m only about 4 days into it but so far so good. First of all I didn’t have, or haven’t had any of the skin rashes they warn you about which is apparently the main reason you have to ease into it, but also I woke up with one of my headaches this morning and it was the kind that usually stays with me all freaking day, however after taking a few tylenol and going to the gym it was gone, and I’ve felt pretty good all day.

I am hopefully for Lamictal , but if it doesn’t work I’ll just try for six months like I did Celexa, then try something else. In the long run, I’ve now quit smoking cigarettes, and a full month off caffeine trying to get rid of headaches and there must be light at the end of the tunnel. The Celexa was good for a while, but it ended up just causing another kind of headache and also some seriously weird stomach issues that I was very very tired of. So maybe Lamictal will be better.

If not, theres still Lexapro and Wellbutrin to try out and if I get real desperate I guess I could even try Prozac…. I had really hoped quitting drinking coffee would do it… but hell, at least my teeth are whiter! 🙂

In other news, work is going great, even though I had to work through a massive headache in June, I have still managed to be over 120% of quota every month and therefore making some great money. I head to Cabo in a few weeks so that should be a blast and I’ll be sure to hit up some AA meetings while I’m down there. It will sort of be dangerous, I’ll be hanging with old friends who all drink and party still but I figure I’ll just go from the airport to the clubhouse that supposedly speaks English and then head to the hotel so I have an escape route at anytime. I’ll also have my cell phone at all times so shouldn’t be too tough , and the place looks like a dream come true, Barcelo. I deserve it, I’ve worked hard the last few months and taken care of a lot of debts.

Maybe I’ll come up with some new book ideas, the beach always does that to me!

Jared Bryan Smith

Natalie Cole’s Health Battle With Hepatitis C w/ Mary Hart on The Early Show… “That Interferon is really serious.”

Posted: October 21, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Great to see she is finally addressing her Hepatitis C. I wonder how many years total it lay dormant? What a hell of a disease. She walked around for 20 years just fine and then it hits her like a mack truck. Well I’m glad she’s speaking openly about it and doesn’t credit sloppy tattoo parlors like ole Gregg blames. Truth is one hell of a character trait these days, and Natalie seems to be facing things head on and without shame, and that is awesome. Also great news that she’s doing Interferon and not Ozone or Nitrus Oxide for Pete’s sake like Anthony Kiedis from Red Hot Chili Peppers, but actual Interferon like we all are told to do. I hope to hell she doesn’t suffer the post TX, or Post Interferon Syndrome so many of us are going through now. I blogged a bit about it on medhelp which is available via the link below, and basically as I state it seems to affect clear thinking, headaches, joint pain and the like. Nothing new, but still as far as I can tell being totally ignored by the medical community as a whole. And what’s good news for Interferon patients moving forward, is with Telapravir hopefully that number of people suffering from Post Interferon Syndrome will be even more dramatically reduced. It’s good news for people in general, but it doesn’t really help me or the others who are suffering extensively, from symptoms that are hard to prove, but exist in a multitude of us, as is reflected in this forum:

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Hepatitis-C/Long-term-side-effects-of-interferon/show/866107

I just read someone state simply : “Had I known the fog Interferon would put me in, I would have made my peace with God and enjoyed what little time I had left.” Someone else stated, “Yes my husband beat HCV over 10 years ago but now lives in a constant state of depression.” Those are just in the last few handful of posts. I certainly don’t wish for Natalie Cole to experience any post TX symptoms as I have, but if she does, or if Steven Tyler or Gregg Allman did and spoke up about them, maybe somebody would listen.

On the forum it talks about the Mayo Clinic recognizing Post Interferon Syndrome as a real issue, but it was never documented, cited, ie proven. I would like to see real research done to see if it affects hormones, blood levels, immunity, etc. Everything seems to be out of whack for me and obviously we’re not imagining it if there are hundreds of people from all over the country explaining the same symptoms. I’m around 3.5 years out from Interferon and still wake up everyday with a massive headache, I mean, that is not normal. Perhaps Natalie Cole will experience some of those same issues and begin to be a voice for folks, for God knows nobody else has done it.

There is a Doctor who posted even in that Medhelp thread, but I reached out to her personally and she didn’t respond. Her explanation of side effects is stunning, it’s worth reading, but basically she talks about not being able to complete the multitasking she used to be so capable of and having to resign as a Doctor of Medicine. I mean, you would think she would have the leverage to get people to listen, but I guess you’re talking about a multi billion dollar pharma industry, and these guys have power. Pharma is the Crown Jewel of the American Industrial Empire, and I suppose they aren’t about to take down a multi billion dollar line of products, especially when no matter what our complaints, it’s better for public health to get rid of Hepatitis C, than it is to wait until the “cure” has less long term permanent side effects. For the greater good, better to cure it now, stop it’s spread, than worry about what that “cure” does to people’s brains, especially when on paper, and through standard blood work, it looks as though they are fine. Those permanent side effects are much more difficult to measure, in fact it would take comprehensive aptitude tests taken before and after, and that doesn’t really fall under the gastroenterology field, they would need to bring in Neurologists and maybe even Psychiatrists to really measure brain function before and after Interferon and again, it still wouldn’t be better for the public, greater good, than curing it, no matter what. Still, telling people, they will only suffer “flu like symptoms” for a 12 months, is a bald faced lie. If I’d known a fraction of what I know now, I’d have at least waited until it was a more pressing case of Hep C before starting Interferon. Now that we are here though, I just want to know if there is anything we can do to improve our state of mind moving forward. Hormones, steroids, vitamins, anything.

Sadly without a voice, I don’t believe a single study is being done to even qualify our issue as a valid one. It could all change in a New York Minute though, and I do read of lots of people who don’t suffer these symptoms. Maybe it was because I administered these shots myself for 48 weeks, maybe I overdosed a couple of times. Lord knows I’m an over achiever, and overdosed  a few times on the recreational stuff, though never significantly enough for death or a stomach pumping. Still perhaps my lack of health insurance and self-administering exacerbated the problem. I don’t know. Maybe it will clear after year 4 post Interferon. God I hope so, I really wish I didn’t get the headaches and brain fog. Maybe someone with credentials, or fame will give the syndrome a voice, and we will get studied and fixed. I don’t know, I’m gonna keep on keeping on, I didn’t get sober to bow out or give up, but this is certainly been challenging as hell, it’s persistence daunting.

And again, even with all that said, I am glad to be Hep C free. My liver enzymes were through the roof, and a friend of mine just had his come back after going through Interferon twice, once for a year, and once for a year and a half, and it’s come back. Now they think they’ll treat with Telaprevir. And he states he doesn’t get the brain fog, so it’s just weird. I’m glad it’s gone, and I’m glad he can treat now with Telaprevir with odds of 80% instead of 50%. God willing he’ll beat it, and God willing this fog and pain will fade away. I am grateful to be alive, I just wish more was being done to address the long term implications of Post Interferon Syndrome so many of us seem to be experiencing.

If you haven’t please check out my journey of sobriety, Hep C, and Interferon for free on http://www.books4free.com and of course on Amazon:

– Jared Bryan Smith

Laid Off… That sounds so much better than it really is.

Posted: August 19, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Getting laid, or jerking off, now that sounds at least moderately enjoyable… but being laid off, just blows. In sobriety I’ve now been laid off three times in less than 3 years. This never happened to me when I was out there drinking and drugging. Now mind you there are some details I’m leaving out. Sure, sure, I was told I am actually free to continue to work, but commission only. I don’t think my car payment or ex wife will accept such terms however, and therefore I’ve been looking for work all week long. I’m fortunate in that I do have a good solid ten years of recruiting experience under my belt and I’ve had a few nibbles.

I tell you also, the romantic notion of becoming a soldier continues to haunt my conscience. I have always romanticized the horrors of war. I have studied history, read dozens of books, and know academically how horrendous, monotonous, boring and terrifying war can be. I know the stats of double and triple amputees coming out of Afghanistan, especially those of Infantry, where I imagine myself going, and I know that this time last year we’d seen an increase of IED’s up to about 1000 and that this year that number is already at 1800 or almost double. It also seems they have something more potent taking helicopters out of the sky though nobody is about to admit that publicly. I know all these facts like the back of my hand, and yet I can’t escape the notion that I would love to serve, and to fight. I would love to fly helicopters into battle ultimately.

My record is such, bar fights and dui’s etc, that I don’t qualify for Security Clearance to be a medic or a pilot though, so the recruiter tells me I need a good year of good behavior to earn security clearance and then apply for Helicopter Pilot School. And my brain tells me no, but heart tells me yes. I pray for guidance, and I hear no voices, but when I think of the adventure while sitting in church, it’s like  thinking of the woman who slipped away, my heart pounds, adrenaline flows and chills radiate out from my spine through my bloodstream. I love the idea of it all. The journey.

Andrew Jackson once said “I was born in a storm, and a calm does not suit me.”

I know how he feels. I’m having a hard time getting motivated by mere corporate survival and sales goals as of late. Though I know the math is terrible, the odds dismal my age a huge obstacle, I can’t stop thinking I might be happier if I just followed my heart every once in a while instead of listening to my fact filled brain. I will continue to pray about I suppose.

I go back to Hemingway at war, and though I know I’m no Hemingway, you just can’t deny it would give a powerful subject to a voice I now have a lot of faith in. Also with 5k friends under my real name and about 2k friends under Jared Bryan Smith on facebook I could blog and post videos and picture from the war zone that would be mind blowing. Again, food for thought, just some of the things a grandiose alcoholic considers when his career gets sidelined yet again. We shall see.

-Jared Bryan Smith

 

Success is the steady realization of a worthy goal. – Earl Nightingale

Posted: June 5, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Funny both my father who died when I was 11 to suicide, but really to alcoholism and addiction, and my step father who stepped into my life right after his death, both listened to Earl Nightingale tapes almost religiously. I listen to them over and over, as well as other philosophers and sales training gurus, and they almost always make me feel amazing. I hear different things at different times in my life. When I was 18 and trying just to survive I heard, just try, and God will get your back, as I remember it seemed so daunting, such a huge prospect to provide for a family at 18, but sure enough, after only six months of really struggling we were making really good money and I bought my wife and I a house. Now, emerging from the wreckage of the tail end of 20 years of destructive drinking and drugging I’ve really been hearing a different message as I listened to this former Marine, WW2 vet with his amazingly soothing voice.

I’ve been hearing, “Not only is it good to be working towards a goal, but you, as a human being, as a man, are most happy, when working HARD And Diligently to a worthy goal.” I think back over my life, and so it is the clear uncut truth. When I was trying to buy Anne Marie that house and provide food for my son, or when I was first trying to get sober, or then once I’d started the book, and the project of Books4freee.com, immersed in those goals, that is when I am the most happy, useful and whole.

Applying Think and Grow Rich’s principles from Napoleon Hill, a man who studied all the giants for industry, from Henry Ford to Thomas Edison, and believed that having a stated goal you said aloud in the morning right when you wake ups well as at nite right before you go to bed allows the principle of autosuggestion to tap into Infinite Intelligence, or God and keeps you focused on that goal all day long. I’ve never actually employed the principle without it working… it’s almost magic… and more it makes my days go by so much faster, and ever better happier. When I was sitting around waiting for the software to be developed for my new project, I had too much time on my hands and I was not anywhere near as happy as now, that I’m out in the field selling it! I don’t think I would be very happy retiring, I am much happier working towards a goal.

I’ve often marveled at how similar Napoleon Hill’s program, with it’s principles of autosuggestion and the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous really are. He is a big believer in the Mastermind Principle, as were quite a few philosophers in recorded history, most notable, Jesus Christ who said “Wherever two or more are there in my name” there I am , and whatever is asked for shall be received, so how fitting is it that almost all sponsors tell you to pray thanks at the end of every day and please give me strength at the beginning. Not too far off from stating a Definite Mission Statement summarizing a steady realization of a goal, worthy to be had, both morning and night. What is a meeting if not a Mastermind Principle, stating that all of us are there to stay sober, just for today.

Every time I tried staying sober on my own, I lasted a week or two, tops and then I would “Change my mind about sobriety.” Not only would I not change my mind once joining AA, but the staying sober part became much much easier. As if the bond that connects us has it’s own weight, it’s own mass, it’s own properties that make 1+1 = 4 instead of 2. It does ya know. It’s magic. I love it and I love the rooms.

If you find yourself unhappy in AA, get a goal. Hell, get a job, and then a goal. Something to works towards. Your OWN dreams, not somebody else s. And DREAM BIG, that’s what makes it exciting!!!!

Check out my featured profile on :

Theaddictedproject.com

How awesome to be listed among the ranks of VIII Days Clean!!! Slowly but surely!!!

They’ve got a picture of my real face up there, but fuck it, anonymity is overrated, and how anonymous can you really be in the age of facebook with over 3k AA friends connected to your profile, lol.

-Jared Bryan Smith

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. – Lao Tzu

Posted: May 24, 2011 in Uncategorized
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What a long, long weekend.

Sobriety is filled with firsts. Whenever I’ve begun to feel comfortable and well rounded in this program, seems like I always find a new challenge to face, a new layer of the onion to peel and learn somehow to yet again grow a bit. I’m a VP of Sales for a technology company that sells to amongst other clients, restaurants. The National Restaurant Association has a huge event in Chicago every year and my boss signed me up to go this year and I didn’t think twice about going, in fact I was quite excited, as I’ve always done inside sales, and never in my career ever traveled to do any kind of sales at all.

How’s the saying go, wear your sobriety like a loose shirt, but don’t forget to put the shirt on every morning. Well, for some reason, I forgot to put the shirt on. Or I was just careless or didn’t think it through, I’m really not sure. I asked a friend of mine who I’ve known in Chicago for over 20 years, who grew up with me in Atlanta and whom I began my drinking and drugging career with back in middle school. Why the thought didn’t occur to me that this might be careless, hell, even dangerous is beyond me. I really just didn’t think it through.

I woke up early to get to Chicago and after landing, walking the convention all day I get back to his place, where he’d left a key, and try to go to sleep. After about an hour, he comes in there, into the room I’m sleeping, and drunk as hell, shakes me until I wake up, all with the best intentions, but just 100% oblivious as to what waking up to an obnoxious drunk idiot might be like to a recovered alcoholic. I was already irritated he failed to mention his huge white lab, as I’m allergic to dogs, but good lord, to wake me up in the middle of the night drunk off your ass, to reminisce, I mean seriously? It went downhill from there.

I didn’t get back to sleep till 4 am, I walked the convention the whole next day, when I returned he was drinking red wine. I love the guy, but I don’t hang out with drunk people for a reason. I’m just a different person than I used to be.

What’s more was the insight into my personality changes he noted. He told me, “As soon as I saw you, I could tell your confidence was shaken.” I am still not sure how to take this. The thing is for 20 years I had a false bravado, an alcoholic fueled, megalomania that was delusional, dangerous, and was leading me to death. Perhaps humility is what he saw and just misinterpreted it. I don’t really know. I don’t really care. As the quote above says, deep in the center of my being I know who I am and what I want, and I have the answer, and it is to be a good humble human being, not a self assured, ego driven nut-job that I used to be. I’m much more confident now in my heart of hearts than I ever was before, whether that shows on my face or not.

I know what he means. He’s referring to the kind of confidence, a con man uses to pull his cons. Or a womanizer uses to seduce. He’s referring to a certain arrogance that actually does work in this world most of the time, but one that I don’t and prefer not to emit anymore. I can still sell good ideas I believe in, and I can still convey good ideas, I need not beam a ray of greater than thou bullshit to accomplish the missions I choose to embark on now. I might lose a few girls, or a few accounts, or be thought of as humble or weak from time to time by not emitting that King of the World egotistical confidence game I used to carry around with me so effectively, but in my heart of hearts I knew that person was a fraud. I was never that confident, it was always a lie. An egomaniac with an inferiority complex we call it. How true, and how sad. I didn’t fight because I was a bad ass, I fought because I was scared. Mark Twain said “Never fight a little man, he will kill you.” I carried around an aire of superiority while I was drinking and drugging that some recognized and even loved, but that ultimately drove me to drinking alone, friendless, hopeless, dying in a rat infested shack all by myself. I may not be that same confident man, but I am a better man for it, no doubt.

And it’s no great loss that someone still suffering in the throes of addiction, and ultimately denial, would recognize my lost ego, and point that out as a blatant negative change, and then lecture me on how it’s all about a relationship with God and a higher power, drunk and high, at 3 am, walking in an alleyway in Chicago, while all I wanted to do was rest. In fact, I should have expected it, and I should have prepared better for it. Fortunately I have a program of recovery. I have a sponsor, who has a sponsor, and even after the meeting at the Mustard Seed AA Clubhouse in Chicago turned out to be another fiasco of the trip, I had a network of men I could call in Atlanta and talk to and thankfully, relate to. I didn’t need a drunks approval, or assessment of my “confidence”. I have a network of men in Atlanta that know how much I’ve been through, how much I’ve changed, and know that there’s no going back to that old ego driven JB but that the way to self esteem is doing esteem-able things, and if at 4.5 years sober that’s still not as high as it was when artificially amped up by drugs and alcohol, well then you just need to keep on working on it. So I don’t have the woman of my dreams yet, or all the tea in China, or the BMW M3, I still have good friends and family that love and care for me, that know I’m way better off here and now than when I was back there killing my self slow.

Still it was good to land back in Atlanta and get to a meeting. I went straight to 8111 and caught the 10 pm meeting, and I felt like I’d touched home base. Confidence shaken, lol, yeah, well, I learned a few things this weekend. 1) Don’t stay with friends who still drink like fish 2) Know where the good meetings are  3) don’t park next to the anthills at hartsfield and 4) get your own rental car in strange cities. I am an alcoholic, and I can’t be dependent on other people to get to meetings when I’m elsewhere, period the end.

Oh I did think of an awesome APP we should develop though, “CLOSEST AA MEETING” using your smart phones GPS ,geo locate you and timestamp to find closest applicable AA meeting. I can’t believe it’s not already on the market?!! Who wants to partner on this, I kind of have my hands full. It’s good to be home, great to be sober, and good to know just who I am, and who knows me. My name is JB Smith and I’m an alcoholic, and also… not fond of smelly people on airplanes.

-Jared Bryan Smith

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.” – Mark Twain.

Posted: May 2, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Mark Twain once wrote about a parade of soldiers, recruits mostly joining up to go fight the Mexican border wars after the Civil War, and it goes, “I have no urge to go kill men I’ve never met” but the difference of course is he never saw with his own eyes the evil perpetuated by the enemy, I believe in the case of Bin Laden, Twain would have been moved beyond pacifism, because he, cynic though he was, also appreciated and loved civilization, and hated violence in the name of God, slavery, and all other forms of man insanity. Western civilization has many flaws, but turning the dial back ten centuries would have appalled Twain even more which is what Bin Laden’s dream world looked like.

I walked ground zero about nine days after 9/11 and I remember the smoldering rubble, still smoking, piled higher than the buildings around still standing. I remember the photographs of the missing, the drawings of faces plastered all over the walls as you approached ground zero, but mostly I remember the people, still suffering, waiting, hoping against hope nine days later that somehow, their missing relative was still alive, that it was all somehow a terrible mistake. Denial is a powerful powerful emotion. Denial hits everyone on Earth in times of great distress, and 9/11 was no exception. I will never forget holding victims families, crying on my shoulder, having to tell them their family was dead. It felt cruel, but it was honest. They were dead, and they weren’t coming back. We in recovery are very familiar with denial, drugged out kookie ass looking people telling you all about their spiritual experience, claiming to know about sobriety, screaming to the world they know best, when their lives are clearly a wreck. Denial is ugly, and the humility it takes to get past it, is rare. What it really takes is a gut level honesty, and few find it. People will live a lie, nine days later, walking around, hoping against hope that their dead loved one didn’t die. It’s really a lack of acceptance. Stubborn selfishness… but it happens to a lot of us, in recovery and outside. Denial is a human trait.

Ten years later we got that motherfucker, with his son, with his wife, and killed them all. Good riddance. Rot in hell you backwards ass egomaniac murderer. Mark Twain didn’t see the towers fall. We did. Fuck Bin Laden and fuck all his followers, and anyone who kills innocent civilians in the name of whatever the fuck. Let it be a lesson, if you fuck with the United States, we will invade your country or your neighbors and hunt you down until we find you, kill you, and your family and dump your fucking body at sea. Thanks to all those sung and most especially those UNSUNG heroes that for security reasons, clearances, and mostly vows to their nation, can never speak about what it is they’ve done in the massive ten year effort to bring this son of a bitch to justice. There has been much blood, time and energy sacrificed that WILL NEVER HIT THE NEWS, and those men and women will never be able to whine about shit in a meeting, or to a shrink, they will just have to walk alone and carry their burdens between themselves, their God, and their superior officers. A prayer of thanks to everyone whose sacrificed in whatever way their nation asked them to, to get this piece of shit and remove him from the Earth.

If you are in denial about anything else in your life, be honest with those around you that love you, your family, your network, your sponsor, and ask them how they think you’re doing, and really listen to what they have to say, don’t just wait for a chance to speak. Listen… sometimes the truth hurts like hell, just before it sets you free.

To read more about my story of recovery from alcoholism, addiction, Hep C, and Interferon, including walking ground zero a couple of weeks after the 9/11 strikes, please read my book  4 free on:

http://www.books4free.com

or for kindle, nook, or ipad for only .99 cents on Smashwords:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/19066

and available in hardback from amazon:

-Jared Bryan Smith

“…every atom in your body was once a part of a star.” – Andrew Niccol

Posted: April 9, 2011 in Uncategorized
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‎…and the atoms in your right hand are from different stars than the atoms in your left hand, different galaxies throughout your entire body even. Einstein said “Time only exists so everything doesn’t happen all at once.” Haha…awesome.

There is quite obviously to me, an underlying force in the universe today, and always, bigger than I could have ever imagined. So get busy living or get busy dying. The magical mysteries of this world are fucking amazing. Coincidence upon coincidence, fate bumps into serendipity and my life, in sobriety, just gets better and better every fucking day.

A couple of weekends ago I took my son up to Chattanooga to go fishing with my brother, his uncle. My brother and I got to talking about women, and he’s dating a 21 year old blond dutch women whose smoking hot, and he says to me, “And Bryan, guess what it is we have in common.” I look at him and without flinching and say “Both your fathers killed themselves.” He said, “How the hell did you know that?” I have no fucking idea. From our Big Book, … “for nature and God alike abhor suicide.” Drinking and drugging it slowly to death or the one drastic action all at once, nature and God alike abhor it. Maybe my spirit just knew it was that terrible of an act from the tone of voice he used, maybe God gave me the forewarning thought. Perhaps, string theory really exists and our thoughts are all connected on strands of physical wavelengths we just haven’t proven yet and as someone near me has a thought we all share it. Maybe therein lies the strength of the program, that my thoughts of not drinking plus your thoughts of not drinking, plus the string attaching us, or the bond connecting us make us stronger, hell maybe the bond, is all the REAL strength their really is. And so 1 + 1 = 3 . God knows I couldn’t quit on my own, and God knows it was a breeze once I finally surrendered and did what I was told, made 90 in 90, got a sponsor and did the work. I don’t know what makes that telepathic magic. What makes ESP happen from time to time, or hell even what makes me yawn after someone near me does, even if I don’t see them do  it. But it happens and because it happens, even now in my sober life, at 4.4 years sober I’m just as big a faithful believer in magic as I was when I came in. Later that day, a few weeks back, it was the biggest full moon in something like 18 years. I was cooking steaks for my brother and son who were inside my brothers house watching television and I remembered about the moon. Instinctively I knew I wanted to look up and see the moon, but it was too early for it to come up, but still I found myself staring at exactly the spot on the horizon in which the moon would rise in just an hour or so, despite ever having seen a moonrise or a sunrise from Chattanooga, and most especially from his property. How could I have known where the moon was going to rise? I don’t know but I did. This is a world of magic, God’s wonders aren’t a tenth explained, and I’m so grateful to be a part of it all. God is good, and I’m alive to enjoy all this magic, simple as it may seem, that gratitude has kept me on a high for weeks, and it ain’t no pink cloud, it’s just the realization that the same amazing miraculous God who removed the urge to drink and drug from me, and then cured me of Hepatitis C, and then just as easily removed the urge to smoke cigarettes, polluting the most come involuntary human reflex we have, that of breathing, that same God, is in me, and I’m a part of, and he loves me, and through him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I mean, this may sound over the top, but this realization as of late, having had the latest obsession, the latest lust cloud my mind for so long, and finally exhaled out, has been huge. This world, indeed this universe, and everything in it, including myself is nothing short of a miracle, and God’s will is good, and I’m so thankful that I continue to grow.

In the rooms of AA we hear people whine about complacency, about the “pink cloud” or how hard it is at 9 months I remember being the first major roadblock people groaned of. Then two years, then 4, then 5 and 6, and you hear people bitch about the difficulties of reaching 10 years, and man, the more I’m in the rooms the more I realize, MOST OF THESE PEOPLE ARE NEGATIVE THINKING NUTCASES. For me, and not just me, but for a select few people I know, the program gets EASIER AND EASIER. My life continues to get better and better. Sure there are speed bumps and challenges, getting over this last woman and dealing with letting go is a perfect example, but once again, inevitably, pain is the touchstone to growth, and I feel better, more complete, more free than I did before I went through the entire process with her or the last one. I just keep learning, and I just keep becoming more and more complete, more and more confident in God’s will for me, less and less concerned with my little plans and designs, and just overwhelmingly trusting in the process, and the fact that God’s ultimate will has my best interests at heart. That he could very well end me up on a beach surfing somewhere, occasionally teaching the word of God, or leading meetings or something just amazing, and better than I could ever have planned, and maybe that doesn’t even involve a woman, and if not, so be it. In the course of my history women haven’t brought me a whole lot of serenity, and it’s kind of nice and freeing to not have and more importantly, finally, not need one around. It’s almost like quitting smoking or drinking, lol. And maybe one day the right one will come along, and I’m open to that, but in the meantime, the fact that my life in Alcoholics Anonymous continues to get better and better, reminds me that all the nay sayers and whiney bitches in AA that barely ever make meetings then come in and dump their shit on everyone that it’s sooooo hard now the pink cloud is gone, just aren’t growing spiritually. They probably never got off their fucking meds. They probably never worked any steps, they have probably never made an amends, never grown, never done a consistent 10 step every night for years on end. This program of AA is a fucking non stop miracle, and my life continues to get better and better. There is one guy who taught me that the “Pink Cloud” doesn’t have to end, a Christian man and I still look up to him and am grateful that for all the average spirituality going around in the rooms, there are still men who almost tear up in joy every time they share, grateful as I am to be alive, to not be craving a drink or a drug anymore, and to know that God is incredible, awesome, and now, fully, on our side, and entirely capable of miracles.

I believe this is probably the case of the modern marriage as well. That the Pink Cloud never has to end. Neither does the honeymoon. I don’t know this, I drove my marriage into the ground and I haven’t had a real relationship last longer than a month in sobriety, so admittedly it’s sheer speculation, but just as the whiney negative bitches in AA override the majority and put the fear that the latter years in recovery are a struggle, so too I bet are the voices of married couples, focused on the negative, grass is always greener in someone else’s yard defeatist majority out there. Who can blame them, with the Judeo Christian ideals of marriage, God and commitment constantly mocked, with lust used to sell everything from Swiffer picker uppers to deodorant none of us really need, there is enough temptation and media to make the most beautiful couples feel complacent and ordinary. I’d bet though, just like with the program of AA, that I have to work every day to stay in the middle of the bed with, but when I do pays off with results and dividends like I’ve never experienced before in my entire life, a constant endorphin buzz, I bet a real relationship, a real marriage and honeymoon can be the same. With a little work, gratitude, and appreciation can be the essence of magic, can be the elixer of heaven, that a real Godly relationship can be the most awesome expression of God and of love here on Earth that you have ever experienced and that it can stay fresh, and new and grateful, and that with that kind of Godly love, that kind of appreciation of each other and of your creator, you can accomplish any of the tasks or goals God puts before you. I was never so motivated in my life as when I was 18, married, with a new son and a goal to buy us a house and by God, I became the number one salesman of a billion dollar corporation so I know what power God can give you through  the magic of love, through the motivation of his gifts, but I simply didn’t have a clue as to the source or the magnitude of that power early on in my life. I bet now, sober, ten plus years later I  would grasp it, hold on to it, and never let go. And I bet, just like the pink cloud, the honeymoon would never end, and I would love my wife, and serve God until my dying day, and despite whatever speed bumps we might come across I would know to be grateful, and that like everything else, they were just a part of the journey, and that God never put anything before me he didn’t also match in strength for me to overcome. God is good, and I’m simply grateful to be exactly where I’m at, more appreciative that I’ve ever been and ready for the next leg of the journey. As an addict  I was always sinking, but sober,  complete and whole, every experience teaches me something, and I grow more and more complete with each challenge. So then, even the most arduous bullshit, is a blessing in the long run, which actually makes all of life exciting, even the shitty parts!

Thanks for reading this blog post, and for more on my life, my journey through recovery, alcoholism, cocaine, opiate and pharmaceutical addictions as well as my overcoming Hepatitis C, Interferon and sheer madness and insanity here in sprawling suburbs of Atlanta, please read my book 100% free at http://www.books4free.com, on smashwords, or of course on Amazon! Please also leave a review and thanks again for your support!

-Jared Bryan Smith

Atlanta Snowpocalypse – The Stress Simmers – Aint no Sunshine When She’s Gone… just blizzards.

Posted: January 14, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Man oh man… me and my roommate stuck in an apartment at each others throats for 4 days in this Snowpocalypse finally took its toll yesterday when we ended up just straight screaming at each other at the top of our lungs.

So I started the day having to look for a new apartment. Last Saturday it was the woman I told off, now the room mate. I’m doing a fine job of letting my ego paint me into a corner lately. Can’t deal with her on her terms, so I say fuck everything and run (fear) can’t deal with my room mate on his terms, so I do the exact same thing. Fuck Everything and Run. Fucking FEAR.

The day actually started off pretty damn good and I closed a deal. My 5th for the month, I’m selling a text marketing solution to fast casual dining places, and there are residual incomes, so each little deal makes a difference. My goal is to sell 10 a month, and even with the ice storm, I’ve hit my quota for the half month, which aint bad considering the snowpocalypse, breaking it off with her, and now of course the room mate. So at least there is some light in the storm I guess…

But things went downhill from there. I go to the post office to put the check in the mail, because the client didn’t bring his credit card to the closing. Sooo, the post office tells me nothing is moving, no trucks have been there all week, and they have no idea when the trucks will begin rolling again. Before I went into the post office, I brought my leatherbound folder into the Jersey Mikes to try and sell to them but the owner was gone. After leaving the post office, I go out to my car, and I go to open the driver door, and I guess I pulled so hard I ripped my feet out from under me, sliding , really busting my ass, as my leather bound folder flies up into the air, scattering flyers with my biz cards everywhere, all over the parking lot, like a birds feathers in a cartoon after being nailed by a baseball. I cussed up a storm too, “Mutherfucker!!!!” as I’m getting up I see a mom pushing her stroller, all sympathy gone, disgusted at my vile mouth. I humbly walked around the parking lot picking up my flyers, which took a few minutes.

Driving out of the post office, flustered, bleeding, I blow past grandmas and soccer moms driving five miles an hour to haul ass over to Fed Ex so I can get the check to the CEO of my company. I pull in there, drive up to the parking spot, which is closed off on one side by a brick wall and when i go to hit the brakes, they just act like they don’t exist and i fucking nail the brick wall going 10 miles an hour. “FUCK”! I get out and an old lady is staring at me like I’m a moron…either from the cussing or the hitting the wall. I don’t know and I don’t care at this point.

Fed Ex tells me it’s 30 bucks and they can’t guruantee overnight… great, I fill out the form and send it off, bleeding all over the packing slip. I go apartment hunting… they suck, they are ghetto fabulous, and they require good credit and a deposit otherwise. Fuck… I go to pay my ex child support. I go inside to sit down for lunch while I wait for her, and the waiter, who I used to know, over 5 years ago when i drank in the joint at Chaplains, asks me what I want, I say a water, and go to pee. When I return there is a cold frosty beer on my table, a shot of jaigermeister, and the waiter, smiling like the devil. “Man that looks good buddy, but I haven’t had a drink in 4 years, and I asked for a water.” My bad he says. The reuben I ordered wouldn’t have passed quality control at my sons middle school cafeteria… I ate it anyway, and of course it gave me a stomach ache.

I drove down to Little Five to look at apartments where you don’t need credit, away from her, away from my meetings, away from my life, but fuck it, what choices do I have. 75/85 is bumper to bumper traffic. I circumvent it by going all back roads through Atlanta, past peidmont, monroe, blvd, to Freedom, I know my way around. The apartment, where I used to be a dope feign in little five, is still of course, the dump I remembered. Cool location, unique building, but an OCD nightmare, beyond description, lots of paint covering up problems, uneven floors, a kitchen to inspire fasting, I mean it’s not ideal. So I left bummed.

Went to see my client in Atlantic Station whom bought my first order last week, and guess what? She wasn’t there. Bought a coffee drink, but surprise, my check card was declined. Try this one. Also declined. Had to go out to car, did I mention this was my first client, oh yeah, I’m stylin, pray I have enough change scrounged up, which thankfully I did, and finally leave, embaressed and humbled. Get on 400 northbound and there is a wreck. 1 hour later, I make it home.

Man, that’s a shit day, hell I’m afraid to leave the house now. I did close the deal though, and once again, I wasn’t even tempted to drink when it was put right in front of me. That’s God, not me. Still, though I walked through the day successfully, it was stressful the entire way through. And I miss her terribly, but I guess I did that to myself.

Seriously, there just aint no sunshine when she’s gone.

-JB Smith

Protected: On again off again AA Dating -Mike Ness, Mike Ness, Social D, Social D, damnit!

Posted: January 10, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Hep C Fame – Steven Tyler , Anthony Kiedis , Pam Anderson , Interferon Chemotherapy, Ozone, Homeopathic or Delusional??

Posted: December 28, 2010 in Uncategorized
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Researching the three I know of, Steven Tyler, Anthony Kiedis, and Pam Anderson, I was glad to find at least Steven wasn’t babbling about some pie in the sky treatment like Ozone, but had in fact gone through 11 months of Interferon treatment and was actually free of the virus in his bloodstream, or otherwise cured. It was in this article from September 2006 in people magazine.

Steven Tyler Reveals Hepatitis C Battle

Steven Tyler Reveals Hepatitis C Battle | Steven Tyler

Steven Tyler

David “Bagel” Ungar/FilmMagic

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has revealed that he was diagnosed with hepatitis C three years ago, and recently went through 11 months of treatment.

“I’ve had hepatitis C for a long time, asymptomatic,” Tyler tells Access Hollywood in a new interview set to air Tuesday. “And I talked to my doctor … and he said now is the time and it’s 11 months of chemotherapy. So I went on that and it about killed me.”

Tyler, 58, says he’s much better after undergoing the treatment. “It is nonexistent in my bloodstream as we speak, so it’s one of those few miracles in doctoring where it’s like a complete cure,” says Tyler.

Hepatitis C is a liver disease spread by contact with the blood of an infected person, according to the Web site for the Centers for Disease Control. Many people who have hepatitis C show no symptoms of the disease.

Tyler also says the treatments, which included taking the drug interferon, were hard in his marriage to his wife of 17 years, Teresa, whom he split from earlier this year.

“I had a little problem at home, to say the least,” he says. “I would run upstairs at night, you know, to put the kids asleep and wake up at 3 in the morning with a nosebleed you know, just passed out from the interferon, the treatment.”

After keeping quiet about the disease for so long, Tyler says he’d like to share his knowledge about it with others.

“I may go on Oprah and talk about this,” he says. “I mean you know it’s just one of those things… it’s one of those things people don’t speak about it, but it is treatable.”

In March Tyler announced he planned to undergo surgery for an undisclosed medical condition, which forced Aerosmith to cancel its remaining tour dates. At the time, his rep said that doctors had advised the singer “not to continue performing to give his voice time to recover.”

So that was cool to find out. It made me want to find more about Anthony Kiedis and Pam Anderson. I found an excerpt from Anthony Kiedis’s book Scar Tissue, but man if I just don’t believe a word of it:

But the doorbell interrupts my reverie. A few minutes later, a beautiful young woman enters the living room carrying an exquisite leather case. She opens it and begins to set up her equipment. Her preparations complete, she dons sterile rubber gloved and then sits next to me on the coach.

Her elegant large glass syringe is handcrafted in Italy. It’s attached to a spaghetti — shaped piece of plastic that contains a small micro – filter so no impurities will pass into my blood stream. The needle is a brand new, completely sterilized microfine butterfly variant.

Today my friend has misplaced her normal medical tourniquet, so she pulls off her pink fishnet stocking and uses it to tie off my right arm. She dabs at my exposed vein with an alcohol swab, and then hits the vein with the needle. My blood come oozing up into the spaghetti – shaped tube, and then she slowly pushes the contents of the syringe into my bloodstream.

I immediately feel the familiar weight in the center of my chest, so I just lie back and relax. I used to let her inject me four times in one sitting, but now I’m down to two syringes full. After she’s refilled the syringe and given me my second shot, she withdraws the needle, opens a sterile cotton swab, and applies pressure to my puncture wound to for at least a minute to avoid bruising or marking on my arms. I’ve never had any tracks from her ministrations. Finally, she takes a little piece of medical tape and attaches the cotton to my arm.

Then we sit and talk about sobriety.

Three years ago, the might have been China white heroin in that syringe. For year and years, I filled syringes and injected myself with cocaine, speed, Black Tar heroin, Persian heroin, and once even LSD. But today I get my injections from my beautiful nurse, whose name it Sat Hari. And the substance that she injects into my bloodstream is ozone , a wonderful – smelling gas that has been legally used in Europe to treat everything from strokes to cancer.
I’m taking ozone intravenously because somewhere along the line, I contracted hepatitis C from my drug experimentation. When I found out that I had it, sometime in the early ‘90s, I immediately researched the topic and found a herbal regimen that would cleanse my liver and eradicate the hepatitis. And it worked. My doctor was shocked when my second blood test came up negative. So the ozone is a preventative step to make sure that pesky hep C virus stays away.

I took years and years of experience and introspection and insight to get to the point where I could stick a needle into my arm to remove toxins from my system as opposed to introducing them. But I don’t regret any of my youthful indiscretions. I spend most of my life looking for the quick fix and the deep kick. I shot drugs under freeway off- ramps with Mexican gangbangers and in thousand – dollar – a – day hotel suites. Now I sip vitamin – infused – water and seek out wild, as opposed to farm raised, salmon.

For twenty years now, I’ve been able to channel my love for music and writing, and tab into the universal slipstream of creativity and spirituality, while writing and performing our own unique sonic stew with my brothers, both present and departed, in the Red Hot Chili Peppers. This is my account of those times, as well as the story of how a kid was born in Grand Rapids, Michigan, migrated to Hollywood and found more than he could handle at the end of the rainbow. This is my story, scar tissue and all.”

“Scar Tissue” is an heartrending story of the life of Anthony Kiedis and the Red Hot Chili Peppers and is an inspiring movement for the spiritual creating of making music and finding the ride tunes and the struggles of a rock band in the music industry.
So yeah, I just have a hard time accepting that Anthony Kiedis has this European cure all, but Steven Tyler had to do a tough as nails 11 month long Interferon regimen that took it’s toll on his marriage, and not to mention the hellish side effects of headaches, exhaustion, and feeling about 50 IQ points lower than where we started. I mean couldn’t Steven Tyler have afforded the same treatment? Yes, of course he could, and he must have researched it, and probably even talked to Anthony about it, only he didn’t go down that road….probably because Anthony read him a horoscope or something fruity and Steven decided to go with something more clinical proven…lets see what I can find a bout Pamela Anderson and her Hep C battle.

“Playboy girl Pamela Anderson has taken up the cause to promote awareness about Hepatitis.

The former ‘Baywatch’ star was diagnosed with liver disorder way back in 2001 after she contracted it through a shared tattoo needle but feels there is nothing to feel ‘embarrassed’ about the condition, The People reported.

The 43-year-old star controls the infection with medical help but personally wants to raise awareness so that other Hepatitis victims do not endure it.

“I’ve had liver biopsies. I get checked every single year, my doctor told me just keep doing what you are doing. I also have the kind that’s easiest to control. There is no cure for it, so the important thing is to encourage people to get tested and not be ashamed. People get embarrassed as you get it from blood-to-blood contact, but it is not just junkies who have it,” said Pamela Anderson.”

Well, I don’t know what I expected. Poor Pam, she is just a blonde bimbo out of Hollywood with her best years behind her. Lol, she’s dead wrong though, it is curable, and her Gastreoentologist has outdated information. Of these three Steven Tyler seemed to have his eye on the ball the most. You know what is intriguing though, is the fact that 3 heavy weight celebrities all received different medical advice. I mean you would think, paying top dollar out west in LA, these three would receive the same fucking consensus but no, all three get different advice, and then of course Anthony called the psychic hotline for a consultation, but still. Nobody laid it out for them in no uncertain terms, what is they have, what they are dealing with, and what is the best way to cure it and/or treat it. Goes to show you that you have to do your own research and take everything with a grain of salt. I’m glad my Doc here in Atlanta, Dr. Hersch, told me it was curable, through Interferon, and that the young do better than the old. I mean, poor Pam sounds like she’s being told to wait to treat it until it’s a problem, but my understanding from Dr. Hutchinson out of Duke, was that the young seem to be on the better side of the 50/50 early responders side, so then, that advice for Pam would be terrible. Sure, maybe they come up with something more effective and less harmful long term than Interferon, but hell, maybe they don’t, and she begins treatment after cirrhosis has set in, and then bam, bad luck Pam, you’re on the wrong side of the 50/50, you don’t respond to treatment, you have a year to live. Wow, that would really suck, and it would all be due to the different kinds of medical advice being offered to these three medically insured celebrities. Jesus, I mean, if these A listers (maybe B) all get different varying medical advice, what a fucking miracle I got good advice, without health insurance as a no name kid out of Atlanta. I must remember to count my many blessings… and pray that Anthony and Pam don’t realize they were wrong way to late.

Please take a moment to read about my average man’s journey through insanity, addiction, Hep C, Interferon, and AA on http://www.books4free.com and check out the strong reviews on amazon at:

-Jared Bryan Smith

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