Posts Tagged ‘Hep C Memoir’

Whitney Houston said “These drinks are watered down” in her last days…

Posted: February 18, 2012 in Uncategorized
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There’s not an alcoholic in the world who has gone past that lonely invisible line, that doesn’t know what kind of living hell her life had become at that moment. The moment the drink stops working, and you can’t imagine your life with or without alcohol. For me, and I chronicle this all very vividly and in detail in my book Hippopotamus Sea, My Viral sobriety, the drinks not only stopped getting me drunk, but they began to taste of charcoal, or maybe brimstone, because I do not exaggerate when  I say its the closest thing to hell I’ve ever experienced. Following those dire moments for me I hit multiple crossroads, a few more chances, a few mere suggestions to go into AA and my sister had a heart to heart little barrage of words with me. All of it was a divine message of warning though, and I bet Whitney got about that same level of attention from the same God who saved me, I mean hell, she did grow up singing in the choir. Man, 49 years old, and really who knows how long it had been for her with the drink not working? Earth people just have no clue what that statement, what those witnesses grasped. When an addict’s drug stops working, the relief is over, hell has just descended. Somehow, through hundreds of AA meetings, and prayer and stepwork, I made it out, but Whitney died in a bathtub a couple of days later, and I’m just grateful that didn’t happen to me… hell I don’t think I had hot water when I was getting sober. Maybe being poor is a blessing.

So I have lots of other news to report as well, I am loving the new job, though it’s tough, the environment is competitive, and I enjoy the haggling, and the negotiating, and there is a lot of room for upward mobility. Also too, the headaches, the brainfog headaches, from what I considered to be Post Interferon Syndrome, seem to finally have abated a good deal since getting on Celexa prescribed by my Neurologist, that I finally decided to take after kicking and screaming against prescription meds and especially mood altering drugs for so many years. I can’t believe that my depression was causing physical pain in my head for over 3 years post TX and it’s probably too soon to say that’s what it was, but damn it all to hell if I don’t feel remarkably better, and I’m not able to make my 100 calls, do 2 hours in the gym and still commute 3 hours a day, and still feel pretty good about life in general. I mean, that is some amazing progress considering the debilitating nature of these headaches and the magnitude and quantity of their overbearing presence. I’m just humbled and grateful and must redact everything I’ve ever really written about prescription meds in this blog. I mean I’m still glad I discovered a baseline, emotionally, and physically in my sobriety, but wow, this Celexa has literally cured the worst of my brain fog headaches, and I seem to be able to think more clearly as well, which again is just a very big deal for someone who was forgetting names of friends and simple math and I mean its just a really big deal. Weeks one and two on the stuff was quirky and I  think when I’d started Interferon way back when I tried it and couldn’t get through the anxiety of the first week or two, but when I broke through week two I felt great. I’m only hesitant to declare it a total cure because i still did get hit with a migraine on Thursday, but I mean thats one headache out of seven days compared to like 6 out of 7, and the migraines and the brain fog headaches are two totally different types, one you can work thru, but the brain fog ones, felt like the day after an interferon shot and I’ve experienced them consistently every since treatment which has sucked ass, brutal, and made work next to impossible.

So once again, I learn that the more I know the less I understand, but I will take it, I will take relief and the ability to work, and work hard at a job I enjoy any day of the week and thank God for my sobriety, and all my friends and family who helped me and or tolerated me as I went through the pain of the last few years. You get to the point where you don’t talk about it much because you are tired of hearing your own self bitch. I mean I lost jobs to this thing, probably lovers and friends as well, but such is life. I am glad I found something that manages the pain, and if you’re having Post Interferon Syndrome related headaches I highly recommend trying Celexa, 20 mgs has helped me considerably and I just wish I’d tried it sooner but my old school AA nature really resisted it as being “not sober” but the Big Book does state “we are not doctors” and they have no opinion on outside issues, I probably shouldn’t have been so judgmental about medications before I just felt like they would block the sunlight of the spirit, and create the urge to drink again, but that hasn’t been the case for me at all.

Life and sobriety continue to be learn as you go I suppose, and I’m just glad I found some relief, and now feel competent to keep my job, because after losing two sales jobs back to back due to this pain, I was really concerned I simply wouldn’t be able to perform, but I’m averaging more calls than the entire class of 15 they hired, and things are going great. I still miss the little chaos creating alcoholic I dated up here in the mountains, but I’ve been good about not calling or contacting her as well. Whats the point? I can’t date an active alcoholic no matter how much I want to, haha, but I guess I’m still just a little stunted in that area, better to be single than with the wrong one though. Such is life, live and learn.

Condolences for Whitney, her family the poor daughter, and of course all our men and women who’ve passed since this war began, because in case you hadn’t noticed we’re still losing people every week. In both Afghanistan and Iraq, where we most certainly do still have about 15000 “embassy personnel” and military contractors. Looks like things are bout to heat up there as well. I think by October we’ll be driving some tanks up to the doorsteps of those reactors in Iran and sending in demo teams to destroy every bit, we’ll prolly stay out of the cities, but Iran can’t be let to have nukes, and air power alone will just slow them down, so I think Obama will try and pull a patriotic rally right before the election with a ballsy tank maneuver and you know what, it might just work, and get him reelected. We shall see, as we say, more shall be revealed!

If you haven’t already done so please check out my book, the cartoons on Youtube and post http://www.books4free.com on your facebook page to spread the word! Thanks so much and have a great weekend!

Jared Bryan Smith

My fasting experiment…

Posted: January 10, 2012 in Uncategorized
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Well I only lasted 32 hours, but I mean the results were tangible. I became hungry. haha… no I was definitely amazed by the clarity of my prayers, by the meaning and depth of reading scripture and there was a lot to be said for fasting overall. I still am skeptical of Free Chapel though to be quite perfectly honest.

I went there yesterday to pray prior to going down to do some step work with a sponsee at the 1 pm and low and behold there were, I’d say, about 20 people there already kneeling and praying at the front of the church. However I couldn’t help but notice the feeling of the whole place just being a big TV set. There was no cross, no alter, no stain glass windows, just a huge stage. Then to my left I heard some of those folks talking in tongues. I pretty much decided to end my fast and eat a cheeseburger right then and there. It was weird, and there was no church leadership, or even anything remotely christian about the praying…. I guess I’m just a little too skeptical still.

All that skepticism aside, I can’t argue that the Bible mentions praying and fasting quite a bit, more than I’d ever acknowledged before in my life and I’m glad to have brought it to my spiritual tool kit. I noticed in my meditation Sunday night after I was able to stay a lot more focused than usual… but then again I hadn’t really meditated in a long time anyway. Still, it put things into perspective.

I was able to recall just how powerful the feelings from last year were, and though similar, how far a cry this new woman was, and how both were but a taste of what is to come. Clearly I am not ready to receive the love God has in store for me at this moment but that doesn’t mean I won’t be one day in the future. Just that last year wasn’t right, and and this girl wasn’t the right one either, to be ok with that, to be patient, and that really I should have never let someone quite so sick get quite so close to begin with. One more set of lies I can no longer trust in myself I suppose, that I can date an active alcoholic because I won’t be stupid enough to develop feelings for her… nix that theory. I am just that stupid and more. No, I can’t fix people is part of the lesson. So don’t try and date or make love to projects that need fixing. I have enough fixing of my own to deal with, I need not take on any more challenges.

But after mediating, and praying yesterday, that hole in my heart was literally gone. So I guess a couple of lessons learned, calling the ball earlier reduces the pain, or the length of the pain, and also, fasting and praying is a great way to sharpen your connection to your higher power at any time. It filled the God sized hole right up in just over a 24 hour time frame. Reminding me of how human and delicate and savage I really am, and how much I really do need God.

Our program of AA is a spiritual program of action and that is one of the things I really enjoyed about fasting, is that it was an action event. Unlike so much else in the Bible, and outside of our 12 steps, it is something we can do, take action towards, and immediately begin reaping the benefits, feeling the results. if ever I begin to doubt God again I know I can use this tool, not eating, to immediately begin to feel his presence and force my hand to begin communicating. It reminds me of that saying, if you feel God is no longer in your presence, “Who do you think moved?” By fasting I get back to God, and I mean in a hurry. I must have prayed two dozen times, on my knees in that 30 hour period and my mind was crystal clear.

Regardless of my skeptical nature, I truly can not argue that Fasting has added an arrow to my quiver that I won’t soon forget.

I am grateful that pain of loss left me, grateful I start a new job next week, and grateful that joy and happiness are in my heart. I wish that girl the best, and I will remain her friend if she should call upon me, but I will not allow myself to get sucked back into an alcoholic sick situation. I will stay sober, and hopefully one day she’ll want sobriety based on my example. I wrote multiple letters I can’t send promoting AA and our way of life, but upon talking to my sponsor, which I already damn well knew, that is not how we operate. We are a program of attraction not promotion, so we’ll just have to wait by the sidelines, and move on, if it were right omnipotent God would make it so. As I’ve said before “If it’s right nothing in the world you do can prevent it from happening and if it’s wrong, nothing in the world can force it.” It is what it is, and I’m just grateful I can accept that more easily 5 years in than I could when I first got sober.

Jared Bryan Smith

“Nothing you have not given away will ever really be yours.” – Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis

Posted: November 10, 2011 in Uncategorized
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This quote reminded me of something today. Reminds me that I didn’t get sober to settle. That I don’t care about money, the way my father and mother pined over it, broke their backs for it, sweated it out, and died for it. I would rather work more hours, in a physically demanding job, alone, than ever go back to that state of being where I valued status or ego, or place in society more than my own peace of mind. I’ll not settle for the lesser state of mind from which I came. Sobriety is incredible. I would rather be sober and homeless, broke, riding on the bus, than care about what kind of car I drive, or what kind of job I have, or what people think of me. I have given it all away, more than once, and I’ve gotten it all back in sobriety, and that which hasn’t returned, I did not want.

I was great at sales, when I lied and manipulated a lot. But I was not happy.

If my sales career comes back to me on my terms, than so be it, but for the time being I will be content to take a less stressful job, and simply replace that energy, effort and worry I would be devoting to my career in the practice of writing. The autobiography needs to be cut down, edited, commercialized before marketed to paperback, but the format of Books4free.com works well, and now I just need to really find a vein of content where I can sink my voice, and spend some time devoted to a story that spans centuries… or maybe just multiple complex characters. God knows I’ve known a few.

I’ll return to the editing of the Hippopotamus Sea when I have some more time and money, but for now I think I’m going to begin just by practicing writing some short stories. They may not be great. They may only be rough drafts and I may even mix up character names or use them to line my kittens litter box, but I figure I may as well write them in the this blog as I  can hide and unhide them as necessary, or even go back and edit them. I’m not sure how the copyrights work on a blog, but hopefully, I’ll just prove I have enough content that I’m worth hiring over time, haha… But the basic premise and idea is that I write a few short stories per genre and see what I enjoy writing the most.

War Stories

Sci Fi

Horror (including but not limited to Vampires and Zombies)

Romance (though cynicism may reign in this topic)

Job Interview 2011

Sales Job 2011

Modern Church Experience

Divorce w a Child

Hunting & Fishing Stories

More or less this is to practice and exercise writing in a public setting… I figure if I just start with something, some sort of goal oriented project, I’ll accomplish more than just randomly writing cartoons that are hit or miss. This way, I’ll at least be working on my overall body of work. And I can feel better about my career in sales going to the sidelines for a while, as it’s made me so terribly unhappy in my sobriety. In my drinking and drugging it was always the means to an end, but soberly, I just feel like to much of a fake always trying to smooze, manipulate, make friends with people for the purpose of selling. I’d rather do an honest days hard labor and be able to write than to sell… Maybe one day I’ll be able to do both, but for right now, just really putting my heart and soul into cultivating my writing seems like it makes sense. I guess we shall see. haha, I make plans and God laughs!

-Jared Bryan Smith

GA 58th Prepaid Convention in Gainesville, Amazing Speakers!

Posted: October 28, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Wow what an incredible line up of speakers last weekend. I’d forgotten how powerful a huge group of drunks can be while listening to incredible stories of recovery. As Charlie Y. said to me outside “These things are a real shot in the arm to your recovery, but sometimes by Tuesday its right back to the same ole meetings, haha.” He had a great story, and funny as hell. All the speakers I thought were strong and funny. And the leaves up here in the mountains have just been magnificent this year.

I even experience less headaches up here by the water.  Someone said to me “It’s less negative ions” and I don’t know if that’s true or not, but damn if it doesn’t seem to be true at least. Which takes me back to my last posting about Post Interferon Syndrome. I certainly don’t mean to be throwing a pity party. I’m very grateful to be Hep C free and I recommend everyone getting tested and getting treated as soon as humanely possible. I only stress that the value of clear thinking, and positive thinking as well, is now so acutely meaningful to me, that “Brain Fog” is a real unwelcome permanent side effect some days. I only want their to be studies to test whether there are ways of improving the side effects and bringing normalcy to people’s lives who are suffering from such things. It took me 20 years of drinking to figure out how valuable my state of mind is one Earth, and right when I did I polluted it with some of the harshest poisons on Earth, Interferon, and I just wish somebody, somewhere was studying the long term side effects, and potential fixes.

I’m not advocating permanent pity party, or a wallowing in whining, but I think it is important to state the issue clearly, consolidate folks who are feeling this way, and petition the scientific community, especially the billionaire profit makers of Merck and Roche who have gained so much, to at least study some of us, if not all.

Still it felt like I’d complained a considerable amount and then that very weekend I ran into quite a few people who’d done a year of Interferon and had not got rid of the virus. Please understand, I am grateful I cleared it, and I do recommend everyone get tested early and treat early as they say it’s more effective the younger you do it, which was the sole reason I went ahead and jumped on the grenade… well that and my liver enzymes were through the roof and liver failure was a possibility, so it’s not like I had too much choice, but still. Get it done, but also, be aware it’s no small thing. It’s more than flu like symptoms. It hurts, and it changes the way you think, feel, and even bleed.

So what do you do afterwards, double down on recovery, call your sponsor more, go to more meetings, and try not to fall into the Pity Party trap chronic pain sufferers. I’m looking into finding a support group, and it’s probably something I should have done a long time ago. People close to me have said I’m always angry, and it’s not true, I’m not angry, but there are days when I am having intense headaches and I don’t know how to fix them. When they come on, and admittedly at 3.5 years post TX they come fewer and fewer, but in year one post TX, they were several times a week, so that too gives me hope. Allen, the guy who was originally talking about Hippopotamus Sea in my meetings, (which I’d later come to find out was Hepatitis C) said it was about 5 years before he was totally better, so there is hope as well. Hope that the post TX side effects while continue to slowly get better. And of course for people just finding out they have  Hep C, they don’t even have to go the full year, Telaprevir now reduces it to six months, so surely those side effects will be better as well.

The Prepaid Convention in Georgia was amazing this year, and I think I’ll be incorporating that into my sobriety moving forward. No matter what I am saved from the obsession to drink and drug and that was killing me much more fast than any other thing on Earth, and I no longer have to suffer from that. Hep C, headaches, fatigue, I will manage, and I am grateful to God, and to AA for holding my hand as I walked this journey, and with patience, and faith, I pray every year post TX will get a little better than the last. Exercise, diet, prayer and above all else perseverance will pull me through.

But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t address the issues, and ask big pharma what they’ve found, and if they know of any potential fixes, and if not, which I doubt, then to get fucking on it. They aren’t fictional side effects, and we’d appreciate the help or at the very least some studies be done.

Thanks for reading and if you haven’t read my story of sobriety, Hepatitis C and the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, its all available for free in my book Hippopotamus Sea: My Viral Sobriety by Jared Bryan Smith on http://www.books4free.com or in hard back on Amazon at the link below! Thanks so much for all your support!

– Jared Bryan Smith

Perserverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. -Walter Elliott

Posted: October 1, 2011 in Uncategorized
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They say perseverance is the principle behind the 10th step, and those are some of my favorite promises the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
Alcoholics Anonymous pp.84-85

I’ve found those to be 100% true. And that is the real miracle of all of the entire process. I sometimes forget who bad the obsession was for me when I first came in, and how amazingly different my state of mind is now. How thankful I am.

2011 has thrown me many curve balls. I’m still learning to cope with some of them. I can still question why God would bring my emotions to such an incredible pinnacle, only to have the rug pulled out from under me, on so many different aspects of my life. Perseverance is not so much of a trait as just a dogged necessity. In the steps. In life. And for damn sure in business.

I’ve had multiple recruiting companies in the Atlanta market over the past 10 years and the last one i sold for a small amount and folded up shop about two months before the crash of 2008 as I’d anticipated some rough waters ahead and I was right. I’d just finished with Interferon and I was tired. My mental functioning suffered quite a bit after Interferon as well and that was a major concern, that I’d hoped time would fix. It has to some degree, but I’m still operating at maybe 70-80% of where I was prior to beginning Interferon treatment. Had I known that I definitely would have waited until it was necessary to treat my Hep C, because I rely heavily on my intellectual faculties, as we all do, and now I’m slowly but surely coming to the realization that they aren’t coming back. Not to where they were prior to treatment. My photographic memory, and razor sharp quick wit are simply gone. Perhaps though, that adversity will sow the seed of success, making me become more resourceful, and more dependent on technology and a better way to recruit.

And so, 3 years after folding up shop on my last company, Seek And Employ, I have restarted another recruiting company in Accounting and Finance, but also this time I shall recruit for IT Positions as well. So many of the company owners I knew through the recession had diversified, that I think that will be a good strategy to prevent the company from grinding to a halt should another recession hit the market. I could have survived 2008, but I thought I’d find job security in working for others. 3 years and 3 layoffs later, I realize, we create our job security. Once you’ve owned a company it’s hard to go back to work for someone else I’ve found. So perseverance.

I start my 4th recruiting company in the Atlanta market, lol. 4th times the charm right? God I hope so.

Books4free has been an interesting side project, and I’m glad I finally have it operational. One day I’d like to come back and spend some more time writing, but for now, with my son 3 years from college, I need to spend some time building up a war chest for him, finish out paying my child support, and not make any major foolish mistakes while I complete the mission of raising my son, staying sober, and launching my new recruiting company. Yes, there will be sacrifices, and yes recruiting isn’t as exciting as software sales, marketing or humping the hills in Afghanistan with a Colt Automatic machine-gun, but there is no shame in being an entrepreneur who in just a weeks time has several Major Fortune 500’s agreed to work with him, and though lackluster, and not as thrilling, I am grateful I have the opportunity to represent such major companies and just go get the job done, recruit for them, and hit my goals.

And so I create daily habits, check lists, for the monotony of the recruiting business day cycles. Wake up, shower, work out, coffee, linkedin, recruit, certain number of calls, repeat. Day in, day out, persevere until you hit your goals. It is very lucrative, and habit makes it easier, it’s just doing it that is challenging. Get rid of distractions, turn off facebook, yahoo, and only blog on Saturdays will be the new rule. Focus, take advantage of the time given, and capitalize on it. Be the captain of your ship, the master of your own destiny, and make it happen!

And persevere. Remember all things are temporary. This too shall pass. Do the next right thing, do it well, and have faith that you will succeed. In sobriety, in business, and maybe one day even in love. Stranger things have happened, but right now, just focus on the goals at hand. Nothing else matters, but starting the recruiting biz now.

Writing, publishing books, etc. all needs to take a back burner. No need to take it down, just need to focus on restarting my career back up. Everything else will fall back in line once that is resolved. I literally have a finite dollar amount that is reachable and scalable, that I could hit in the next 3o days and be done with my legal responsibilities for child support… forever. That is amazing. That is sobriety. Close to 10k more, and I’m done for life. I mean, 5 years ago, 8 years more of child support sounded like a long frickin time, but now, it’s right around the corner. And conceivably I could hit those numbers in the next 90 days if I really stay focused. And whats more, I know they could really use the help right now, and how amazing would it be if I could pay them a lump sum all at once. That is my goal for right now. Get this recruiting company going, help my sons family out, and reinvest the rest back into the company to then pay off the car.

None of these dreams would be even close to possible if I were still drinking or using. One of our favorite arguments while out there used to be, “Well I’m not hurting anyone else, only myself.” It’s such a fucking selfish ass lie. When you tell yourself this blatant bullshit you’re not taking into consideration all the good you may potentially be doing instead of the harm. You erase the pain you cause those you love around you, the worrying, or even hell just the lack of family time you’d be spending, and that time, it never comes back. It’s gone forever. I know cause  both my parents are dead and buried. If I could have an hour back with my mom, sober… man I would give anything. But I’m fortunate still, to have finally woken up before I’d burned out the good years of my adult life. I’m now spent almost five years sober, doing good, instead of harm. Helping instead of hurting, and now I’m on the precipice of being able to help my family out much much more, because of my sobriety. Nothing would be possible without that.

Thank you God for my sobriety, my amazing family, and all my friends in AA. Perseverance pays off dividends like you wouldn’t believe. Please give me the strength to succeed in this business as never before, learning the lessons of the last three, and give me faith to believe that with you all things are possible.

Hang in there, the tide will go out again, the seasons will change. If you are bored just wait, everything changes and nothing on God’s green Earth happens without a reason.

-Jared Bryan Smith

Thank God for unanswered prayers. – Garth Brooks

Posted: September 16, 2011 in Uncategorized
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First of all internet, come on, Garth Brooks didn’t write that shit, he’s a fucking thief. I know for a fact he stole Beer Run from Todd Snyder, that aint enough, the internet’s gotta give him credit for this gem too. I only know that nugget of information because my brother is a singer/songwriter in Chattanooga, Tennessee, and I have heard Todd Snyder’s version and Brooks version and Snyder’s is better. Man, it really is an unfair world. Of course if life were fair I’d be dead buried and in hell for damn sure. And damned for sure. No life isn’t fair…Thank God.

No, so after agonizing for weeks over the decision to join the Army or not, romantic notion or not, I finally gather up all my paperwork, medical records, criminal background and all and went in to sign on the dotted line. Only to find out that as of a few months ago the have raised the medical bar, to not accept people with a) metal in their major joints, ie ankle and b) hep c antibodies, cured status and all. 1 year ago I was eligible, but with the economy in shambles and enough people signing up, they decided to raise the bar. So there’s several weeks of pointless debate for no fucking reason what so ever. Well shit, I guess God has different plans. Which brings up an even bigger issue. I still have no idea what God’s will is for me. I pray about things and the answers I hear, like join the army, or date a newcomer, are obviously still the fucking answers I want to hear, and not the actual answers God has intended for me. But hell I guess I ultimately do end up with God’s answer, as things inevitably blow up in my face, and the saving grace is that I haven’t committed to, signed up for a war zone, or knocked up someone I thought I loved who didn’t love me only to have to pay child support for the next 20 years again. I guess this is progress. Not forcing it, but letting it go when it isn’t working out, even though I wanted for it to be God’s will. Well, you can’t manipulate the Army, though don’t think I didn’t think it through. Hell the Israeli Army is probably looking for folks, lol, and yes I visited their website upon hearing the bad news, haha. Nothing like forcing it for us ole alcoholics huh.

Aww well, guess it’s not meant to be. On so many levels. At least I tried. I gave it my absolute 100% all. I put all my fear and bullshit worries behind me and I went and made my intentions known, and they said, thanks but no thanks. I won’t have to live with regret wondering if I could have done something more, tried a different way, called one more time, written a note, it just doesn’t matter. They do not want me, there is nothing I can do about it, it just aint God’s will. Wish everything in life was so clear cut and dry as the Army.

So bigger and better things, what’s next for ole JB, well I suppose my fundamental talents in the recruiting world aren’t entirely useless, guess I’ll start that company back up again, perhaps even write a new book. Been thinking about a Sci-Fi series quite honestly. The challenge with the books4free.com format for an autobiography is that it really lends itself more so to that of a series, instead of a one time hit, flash in the pan. Also if I can model the books4free.com site to exchange facebook likes, with a simply pop up screen before you get to the registering page, as well as a pop screen to the facebook like, linkedin, twitter etc, in effect trading social media presence for the free manuscript, in addition to the email addresses I am already collecting, well then, books4free.com is a much more viable tool to the indie author willing to promote his book for free, in exchange for theoretical popularity. Soo yeah, perhaps, being rejected by the Army will focus my career path as never before. Launch the recruiting company, books4free.com with a renewed vigor.

Thank God for unanswered prayers, as it says in “Acceptance is the Answer”, my favorite fucking short story in the back of the big book, this is the one that finally set the hook in me, that third time in DeKalb County crises or the looney bin if you will “Today I find it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. This proves I don’t know what’s good for me. And if I don’t know what’s good for me, then I don’t know what’s good or bad for you or for anyone. So I’m better off if I don’t give advice, don’t figure I know what’s best, and just accept life on life’s terms, as it is today—especially my own life, as it actually is.” That is Dr. Paul O. 1918 – 2000. If you’ve never read “Acceptance is the Answer” you should. I’m saving it for an entire blog post on its own, he’s incredible.

“This proves I don’t know what’s good for me.” Wow. Yeah, duh. My own fucking brain wanted, desperately, conned lied, cheated and stole from me, to try to keep me drinking and drugging that first year. I can’t trust it. Why would I think I can trust it now. Careers I think would be perfect for me, marching around in 120 degree heat shooting a hot metal rifle, my mind told me would be perfect. The woman of my dreams, if I’m to trust my mind, would probably turn out to be the most cruel vindictive person on Earth. I’d do well to run more and more by my sponsor and less and less by my mind as this last year has really showed me it’s true colors, and how often I can taint it with romantic notions, and emotions, void of facts, clearly wrong.

So I must Accept, that I dodged a bullet. The Army doesn’t want me. So be it. I tried, I gave it my all. No regrets. It happened just like it was supposed to. I didn’t take too long, I thought about it for roughly a month before walking in prepared to sign the papers. I talked about it with my sponsor, I tried my best, it just wasn’t in the cards. Moving on. haha, at least thinking about it for over a year has got me in the best shape of my life, lol.

Jared Bryan Smith

Fear of death increases in exact proportion to increase in wealth. – Ernest Hemingway

Posted: September 14, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Well I suppose this Hemingway quote at least explains why I don’t fear dying in Afghanistan. I’ve been broke too long to fear death, haha. Nah, I still fear death, in fact years ago, and this is chronicled in my book Hippopotamus Sea, I did something like 5 hits of acid, a couple of months after doing 50 and being put under house arrest and beaten up pretty severely by Atlanta finest, ironically, about a block away from 8111. I digress… as soon as I was off house arrest, released into the wild if you will, we went to Rishi Nagranis and we all ate some LSD, and I ate about 5 hits as I recall. It is one of the only times I can remember having almost shamanic like visions. I felt like I saw the universe expanding and condensing on itself, my life after death, being a part of the molecules in the earth, and then in a tree and then eventually released free into the air, and I even thought I saw my own death. As fate would have it, it was by AK-47 in Afghanistan, and this was long before 9/11 or we were even at war with the Taliban. I’m sure it was just a collection of memories from a book or something I’d read, surely I’m not prophetic or anything at all, but damn if I can’t shake the idea of still joining up, even though I’d thought I’d decided against it.

I should just go turn in the paper work go spend the day at the medical office and see if it’s even an option. More than likely they will just say you’re too damn old, we don’t take Hep C cured or not, thanks for playing, btw we found an old fine you still haven’t paid the city of Atlanta from way back when in your drinking and drugging days. But at least then I’ll know that it’s no longer an option, that I tried, and that the romantic notion of adventure, combat, and stories galore is just a figment of my imagination and I can refocus on the work at hand, building a successful recruiting career here in Atlanta. And of course growing the Indie Publishing house books4free.com from more than just one book. I’d originally started hoping to include a bunch of recovery related books, but now I think my next project will be sci fi. Anywayz, finding out will at least galvanize my next decision.

“The shortest answer is doing the thing.”

– Ernest Hemingway

Another gem, so fuck it, lets go see if it’s even an option.

-Jared Bryan Smith

9/11/2011 – Remembering the chaos 10 years ago, in our nation and in my mind. Facing fear, sober and otherwise…

Posted: September 12, 2011 in Uncategorized
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September 11, 2001 is something I write about quite a bit in my book Hippopotamus Sea, and something I’ll not soon forget. I am a patriot and NYC is my most visited city in the world, outside of my home Atlanta, GA. I love NYC with a passion for all that it stands for, it’s arts, it’s diversity, its 24/7 commerce, it’s lights, its energy, its architecture. That a few mud hut dwelling piss ants were able to conduct a mission on it with as much luck as they did still baffles my mind.

In 2001 I had just started my first company. Fortune Staffing. I had placed an Auditor with Cox Enterprises and collected 17k within 3 weeks of hiring her, and I thought that I had arrived. Professionally, personally, everything. I’d been driven to start my own company out of frustration of working for someone else for so many years, watching them collect from my hard work, and I literally ripped a door off of my upstairs rooms hinges, created a desk out of it with a hammer nails and some 2 x 4s and I began making cold calls. I prayed, I begged clients and by my third week I had revenue. I’d started in August of 2001, and by the second week in September I’d collected and was feeling pretty amazing about my business skills at the ripe age of 23 or so.

I was also in love. The gorgeous 23 year old redhead model, who would that year be asked at my moms Christmas party if she was a Cheetah girl, was stunningly beautiful, and happened to live right down the street from me. It’s hard for me not to look back on this day with a bit of romantic nostalgia for my disease of addiction. I had woken up that day, made love to the redhead, smoked a bit of joint for a wake and bake, and was listening to the Regular Guys on 96 rock talk about a plane and then upon hearing that I turned on the news, just in time to see the second plane hit. And I knew instantly it was Bin Laden, who’d hit NYC years before and who we’d launched cruise missiles at in a knee jerk ineffective reaction years before. She drove to work and I drove to my house to tell my friend who was staying with me and we both sat up and watched the news for the next several days in a row if not weeks.

I’m sure I drank that night. I might have even done a bit of blow. I know I smoked weed. I hate to admit it but I let the fear in the media and the news consume me and I used it all as a reason to completely and 100% give up on my company. I look back on this and wonder how I could have let fear consume me as much as I did, but I did and I can not change the past. Instead of facing the realities of the economic slow down, I proceeded to stay as drunk and as high as I possibly could for as long as I could. I had divorced a year or two before and I guess my disease had been building up to a pinnacle. Unfortunately if you have the disease of alcoholism or drug addiction, you may go on for years, a somewhat functioning member of society, but eventually you will crack and go into a tail spin, and my 1st real tail spin as an adult coincided with 9/11 for sure.

I did a couple of good things before it all went to hell in a hand basket though. I took the red head to NYC when Giuliani asked for people to help by visiting NYC. Her mother mocked us as morbid, but I wanted to witness history. And we did. We witnessed families still in the streets crying, holding pictures of their dead relatives, asking if we’d seen them. We went to Hogs and Heffer’s and spoke to drunk fireman and iron workers, and commiserated and raged, and got wasted. We woke up feeling shitty and hung over and we saw soldiers in Time Square with automatic rifles, and at the airport, and we watched the news. We returned to Atlanta changed, sad, and filled with fear. We broke up. I drank it off.

Within six months I would close the doors on my business, have a serious cocaine habit, and be foreclosing on the first house I was so proud of buying at age 18. The economy would be about to recover, but I wasn’t. I was consumed by my disease. That was the beginning of the end for me. I was so fucking self-absorbed, I was mad at God for making 9.11 happen to me. As if the 3000 families of lost loved ones were not going through the same amount of pain as my self-centered ass was. But that’s an addict for you, not able to see the forest through the trees.

I’m almost 5 years sober now, and ten years removed from walking Ground Zero in 2001 while the rubble still smoldered, and the smell of fear covered NYC. I’m glad we got him. I am very grateful I am a changed man. Feelings are not things. Fear is man-made, and as a great man said and I’ve experienced first hand, “The only thing to fear is fear itself.” It’s so true for me. If I had just had faith, in myself, in our nation, in our overall economic prosperity I would still have that first business, but I let fear rule me and I let my disease take the wheel. It is what it is and I won’t make the same mistakes again, but I can’t help but regret it as I wake up still in a job search, considering my options in 2011, having been laid off 3 times in the last 3 years. Still, 9.11 was the vanguard of so many valuable lessons for me.

Not least of which was to cease fighting. For me, this has been so crucial. I simply can not allow myself to get so worked up and angry at people I’ve never met and have no control over. My anger after 9.11 led me to get in bar fights to no end, and  I assure you,  I beat up and got beat up by zero Taliban. But damn it if I didn’t pick a multitude of fights, stitches and all, fire off rounds into the air over in great dramatic bravado, and even get arrested for carrying a concealed weapon once all for the anger I held and the possibility I might be able to do something about a threat to our country. Very lofty thinking…that I make a difference. I made a difference to my arrest record. I still have a simple battery on my record from about a month after 9.11 and I’ve lost a few job opportunities to that bullshit. So there was that immediate anger, as we know in the program, much better left to be a luxury of more normal men, but also the political, conspiracy theories, or just watching the world and getting angry at say the conduct of our troops, or the deployment of our troops into different areas. The misuse of troops even. As if the greatest minds in the free world weren’t thinking this stuff through, they needed me to get angry, and sit at a bar and effectively bitch over it. I mean, what a colossal waste of time and energy.

In sobriety I’ve learned to really cease fighting everything and everybody, even politicians, generals and intelligence agencies, which have much more information than I do when making such critical decisions. I have to let go and let God, with my disease, but also on things like this that conjure so many emotions both good and bad, and just have faith, that God, who took us out of the fucking caves 50000 years ago, will somehow manage this crises, without the input of ole JB’s best counsel. I mean I know it’s hard to believe the CIA doesn’t need my advice, or the NSA doesn’t appreciate my strategic input given all my video games experience in Real Time Strategy WW2 ‘s, but apparently they do not. And more than that, even if they did, I would still have zero control over how things are going to turn out. On the macro, I am a grain of sand, and tear in the ocean, a pebble in the universe. I’m one of 300 million citizens, and one of 7 billion on Earth. Instead of thinking I have any amount of control at all, this has all been a lesson in humility, and in having faith. All I control is my attitude, and how I react to things. I am utterly powerless, except for in the micro, in my mind.

The United States economy is still kicking, however many trillions dollar less we may have collectively, but I would do well do keep the lessons, both personally and nationally as I face the decisions of starting a new company back up, joining the Army, or waiting for one of these offers to materialize. Number one, no matter how bad it looks, commerce and enterprise will continue. We may have 16 trillion in debt, over 40 million on food stamps, and more on SS and Unemployment, and if the government were to go broke, revolution would be a just a Rodney King episode away, but still, here we are, 10 years later still surviving. On the upside, I think even the Socialists have realized you can’t continue to print money. Uncle Sam’s bound to get things back in line in this next election, and face up to the dept we’ve amassed over the past 10 years expanding every branch of federal government and two wars. We still do have 110 million people in the country that are fully employed, and yes unemployment and underemployment are huge, we are still conducting business. We have to, commerce and enterprise are what made us great.

I have faith now, instead of living in fear. I  pray for God’s will instead of giving into panic, and he tells me to keep writing, keep staying sober, and keep facing challenges rather than run away. If shit does hit the fan collectively, well then, God will still be there. The same God that pulled together the events of the American Revolution and guided Christians through WW1 and WW2 will be around to look us all over here.

Everything is temporary and all I’ve got is today, so one day at a time brother. And don’t take yourself to damn seriously, there wasn’t much I could have done then, or now. I’m just not as important as I used to think I was, haha, THANK GOD!!

Jared Bryan Smith

Drunks and the Meanings of Dreams or Lack There Of…

Posted: September 10, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Great week for me. For weeks I’ve been praying for God’s guidance and direction in my job search, and I’d basically felt like I’d been beating my head against a brick wall for a few weeks, with dead ends, holding patterns, lost opportunities, and the oh so escapism fantasy I constantly return to… Afghanistan. Well one night this week, I don’t remember which now, I prayed intently, and slept well that evening and dreamed vividly for what seemed like the entire evening. The first dream, wasn’t the most profound to me, but it did have significance in that I dreamed i was about to take a drink and even in the dream decided, “Wait, it’s not the beer or the buzz, it’s that fucking obsession in the morning. So if you’re doing this to feel good, well in the morning that obsession back on, you’ll feel ten times worse, so your argument is pointless.” I heard that even in my dream and wasn’t able to drink even in my subconscious, or more miraculously didn’t want to drink, even in my dream. The next one I remembered was of a bunch of us middleschoolers from Crabapple Middle tearing it up on the football field at the Roswell Rec. I was quarterback and we were playing on the whole field, and Jay Houze was running down the field, and Steve Rose was trying to tackle me counting the Mississippi’s and low and behold I just decided to run for it and juked Stevie, ran the whole 100 yard outmaneuvered a few more and bam was in the end zone! In my dream I was barely panting, but hell even at 13 that run would have hurt.

So I was left the next morning to ponder the meaning of the dreams and as any alcoholic over analyzer will do, I thought and thought and thought about these and basically came up with what I am now using as guidance. You see I loved playing football growing up, absolutely loved getting bloody and running all over the place getting cut up and especially when after a long battle the occasional win. Unfortunately when I finally talked my mom into playing football at the Rec I absolutely fucking hated it. The dream, the romance and the reality just didn’t line up. The hours were hell, the pads were claustrophobic and the heat was just unbearable, and I remember wishing it would just all be over out there. I was the runt of the entire team, which didn’t matter as much in Stevie’s front yard, but when I was lined up against big ass Chad Crane, and we both knew I was going to get decked over and over and over again, helmet to helmet headaches no matter what moves or magic or even prayers, it just took all the romance right the fuck out of the game for me. Lol, I remember him knocking my ass over one time and I was just like, fuck this, I quit, and knew I’d never play football in pads again. The more I think about the Army the more I think that’s probably what I would end up like. Miserable. The romance of hunting Taliban in Afghanistan, just doesn’t match the reality of wearing Kevlar, and ten tons of equipment, a big ole oversized everything cause I’m all of 5’6″ and carrying around a big ole, hot metal gun in the 120 degree desert heat. Shit, an hour of that and I’d probably be shooting at donkeys, thinking they were Taliban. I’d probably trip over my own boots and blow my big toe off and have to write the stupidest combat blog ever known to man, lol. I have nothing but mad respect for our Armed Forces, I just think my romantic notion of what it will be like, and what its really like is probably way the fuck off.

The other thing I thought of was all the jobs I’ve lost over the past 3 years and how much better off I’d been if I’d just kept my damn company with all the contracts I had with Time Warner, Home Depot, Cox, I mean over 20 or so major accounts in the Atlanta area, and I thought I’d be better off working for other folks for a bit, when perhaps I really was better off running my own show the whole time. The fact that I choose not to throw to Jay, but instead ran the 100 yards, maybe means I’m ready to start my company back up, this time sober, from start to goal achievement. Sure we’re all worried about the potential government defaults and European credit crises, yes yes I see the trash piling up in the streets in Italy due to austerity measures and certainly I’m aware this is an unprecedented time in our history, but here I am third time in 3 years laid off, while giving it my best shot, and when I folded up shop, it was only for greener pastures. So with all that in mind, I come to find out that I actually made a placement at my former employer, which would coincidentally give me the ample funds to start my company back up.

This time though, in the recruiting world, instead of going with the name SeekAndEmploy, which was awesome mind you, albeit a bit juvenile, I think I’ll go a little more professional this go around with a name in mind i’ve kicked around for a bit.

It’s good to have options I suppose.

It’s also good to have savings while you consider ones options.

Both of which wouldn’t be a reality if I were still drinking. God is good, and there is a reason for all things under the sun, I need only listen and God’s guidance will point me in the direction I need to go. The difficulty usually lies in doing the right thing, right now as a friend would say. We shall see, but a much better end to the week than beginning.

-Jared Bryan Smith

Speaker Meeting – Alpharetta Group, Labour Day Weekend 2011

Posted: September 6, 2011 in Uncategorized
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It was an honor to be asked by Troy to speak at the Alpharetta Group and I accepted months ago and simply forgot that he’d even asked. When I spoke to him a couple of days ago I thought for sure it would be a breeze, no worries. But when I got there , a few small adjustments made a huge difference. The biggest thing was that it’s done at a freakin podium. I’d never done that before. I’ve always shared my story at 8111, well over the course of the last 4.5 years anyway, sitting down, relaxed, usually with someone even sitting next to you so you’re not entirely swamped with attention. But I’ve for damn sure never done it, standing at a podium the whole time, and when I saw that set up, man I have to admit it was a bit nerve-wracking.

The maelstrom of emotions was only added to when I saw the sponsor of a friend who hasn’t spoken to me in many moons, and as she sat down and looked over at me, I wondered what had happened. Again. She left moments afterwards, leaving me to create a myriad of reasons why, and wondering if I did owe another round of amends and to whom exactly. Who knows.

So the show must go on and I actually think I told my story better than I have at any other time in the past. I almost choked up twice, as always when I tell about my Dad killing himself, and then again when I talk about stealing my moms opiates, I don’t seem to be bulletproof to talking about those things as of yet, but it’s all good, I almost cried again when I talked about being finally relieved of the burden to drink and drug and what a miracle it really is. All in all it was one of my best stories ever.

I’m still on the job  hunt, still considering the Army, even though flight is totally out due to the heart murmur. I wish I knew if Infantry was still an option considering the Hep C, as someone mentioned to me they wouldn’t allow you on the frontlines, in case your bones might become Hep C infected shrapnel, but that seems pretty far-fetched. I guess there is only one way to find out.

Most people think I’m crazy to be 33 and considering the Army, but I run across men who understand. Talked to Allen last night, who was the first guy I’d spoken to about Hep C early on and who I’d thought was saying the phrase Hippopotamus Sea, and he’s in his sixties, selling cars now a days. Working 6 days a week 12 hour days, and he told me if he was young enough he would join the Army for sure. 20 years and you can retire. Full benefits, college paid for, health insurance. There is very little security in ANY industry out there, from cars to telecom, to technology, all the safe havens of careers are being shredded, and even the post office is looking at closing. And they haven’t even begun addressing budget issues. Of course, the military isn’t safe either, they could easily change the terms of pay at any given moment, but still, there is a relative safety and job security there…if you live. And furthermore, as a writer it would give me the details, experience, and depth of a real witness to history. I’ve been told I have a voice, and being positioned somewhere to really experience history, could give me the chance to really write and be heard. Of course going to war isn’t a prerequisite for a writer, but I guess it never hurts. Well so long as you survive that is.

It’s a lot to consider, and maybe even just purely romantic. They may say, you’re too damn old, with too many injuries. Guess I’ll have to fill out the paperwork to find out.

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