Posts Tagged ‘Recovery Blog’

Few people really do their own thinking. As Mark Twain said, the only original thought written down was either Adam or Eve. That being said, too much deferring of your thoughts, or living by other people’s opinions can be hugely detrimental to your life, and most especially if you’re in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It’s perplexing though, because in our program we get a sponsor. Or a teacher. They walk us through the big book. But all too often that isn’t who gives you most of your opinions. Generally it’s the person with whom you spend the most time, whether that is a lover, a friend or a sponsor, in early sobriety, you have got to remember, it is easier to be pulled down, than it is to pull someone up. Hell, I had to change sponsors my first week because I didn’t like being yelled at. Also, for me, the other warning signs were that he wouldn’t tell me who his higher power was. Call me superstitious but if you’re higher power is Lucifer, I don’t want to pray with you, and if you’re too ashamed to say it’s either God, Jesus or at the very least the Holy Spirit, then I clearly wasn’t working with the right person. But I stuck it out, stayed sober that week, and waited around till I got a hold of my current sponsor. He kept me relatively sober for the first few months of my sobriety and then I switched from him to a Buddhist, very laid back guy by the name of Pete, who had 18 years sober, but had drank on the way out of Katrina due to their being zero fresh water. Not sure if that story is true, he’s since died, but it sure sounded romantic.

My point is, we alcoholics are VERY VERY susceptible to the moods, serenity, and/or confusion and chaos of those around us. As the Bible says, “Iron sharpens Iron” and the opposite is true as well. “A fool returns to his folly like a dog to his vomit.” – Proverbs.  If you’re in sobriety and those around you are CLEARLY LYING, STEALING or any other OBVIOUS character defect is coming out, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM, they are poisonous and if at first it repels you, but then you find it ok, or justified, you are already on the slippery slope back out the door. Living a spiritual life is not an experiment, it’s not a luxury, it’s a mandatory way of life, and if someone you know is holding your hand, whispering sweet things in your ear, but quite obviously leading you down a shady road, get the fuck away from them. Living dishonestly is the path to ruin, it’s the soft subtle sell to a drink, and for us to drink is to die.

Pick your friends wisely, your lovers more wisely, your sponsor with care, and if people do consistently lie, cheat and steal, even just to other people, and not you, it doesn’t fucking matter, get the fuck away from them before their shit becomes your shit, and you end up right fucking back where you came from. Shaking, in pain, miserable, confused, with the obsession to drink and drug on you like it never left, and more so, if the obsession to drink and drug hasn’t left, after 6 months or so, look at your spiritual life. Generally it’s as obvious as the first principle of the first step. Are you being honest with everyone, including yourself and God?

If that question makes you feel uncomfortable, than get to work, getting rid of the bad in your life, and ask those that love you for help in doing so. You’ve never burned a bridge in AA, everybody is here to help you, but it’s for those who want the help not for those who need it. You merely need to ask. Ask those with ten plus years of solid sobriety, who work good and decent jobs, and always have a smile on their faces, “What am I doing wrong?” “How do I get to where you are?” “How do I become happy in AA?” It can be done, and it starts with being HONEST.

It is both good and bad that we morph into those we spend most of our time with. Look around you and ask yourself, are they positive bright people? If I had children would I want them to be around these people? Are they kind, passive, peace loving, God fearing? Would they turn the other cheek, could I leave a pile of money in the room and walk away without fear they would take it and run? Would they lie to me? Do they lie to me regularly? Do they lie to others regularly? These things sound basic, but all too often people become accustom to the worst of behavior patterns, and having suffered through them so long, begin to see them as normal.

Find good people to spend your time with, even if uncomfortable at first. Search your soul for truth and ask yourself and God the hard questions? Are the people I spend most of my time with good at heart, or are they bad for my soul, God please help me to see the truth in all things. If your aim is to seek truth, you will always be doing the will of God, and if you truly seek God’s will, I’ve always found he makes it easy for you to see the obvious.

-Jared Bryan Smith

Vacuum of loss,

A faithful sidearm.

But failure lingers,

Cries out in alarms.

Death beckons of finality,

Lost words irrelevant.

Like smoke, memories, reality,

Opportunity lost heaven-sent?

Regret but wasted thought,

Time flows relentless.

For every second, won and fought,

Your harshness purely groundless.

Amends for amends,

A downward spiral spins.

Eye for an eye makes the world blind,

So sever all that binds… and run.

Stop raging against the current,

Change things for different results.

Brush shoulders with all this torment.

– Jared Bryan Smith

It was fitting that after a long day worrying over a woman, over yet another situation I have absolutely zero control of, a friend of mine called and offered me tickets to an Opera performance of Mozart’s “Cosi Fan Tutte” which translated means, “All women are like that”, I’m told but upon researching a little deeper that even that translation is off a bit, and actually it translates “Thus do they all”. One of the more memorable lines “by 15 a girl should know where the Devil hides his tail.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cos%C3%AC_fan_tutte

Mozart was 33 years old when it was released, and he died at 34 it seems. With over 600 works. I’m 33 and I have roughly 3. lol… but also cable television, and average lifespans are prolly 50+ year now, but I digress. It’s also fascinating to me that this seemingly innocent, portrayal of life, was banned in Vienna, played briefly in London in 1812 and then didn’t resurface until after World War 2. I guess calling women loose was risque even back then, lol. I love reading about human beings shunning their most genius, ridiculing their best, not understanding, being threatened by things that are new, and most usually attacking all that is really truly honest.

The truth cuts deep, and the quote “I write fiction so I can tell the truth” rings a bell when thinking this through. But basically Mozart shows how two fiances of two men are turned from love within 24 hours, to new lovers, and that even so, those two lovers should remain true and marry them anyway, because basically they are but human beings, which we all are, and that “All Women Are Like That.” They are easily swayed, but love and marry them anyway, because you know you love them no matter what, otherwise you wouldn’t be so hurt. I loved watching the dialog and the wisdom of these words written by a man my age, in 1790, and how true the ring to this day for me.

Mozart must have been cheated on, he must have lost a woman to another man in his life to have written such a piece of work. I bet that man ridiculed his body of work too, all 600 works of it, lol. Fuck em. Everybody’s a critic. I was recently, in anonymous hate mail a couple of months back, called a “whiney psychopath” and it cut to the bone. Again, like most obsessive alcoholics, I’m childish oversensitive and grandiose, so I took it… not well. It made me think of this blog, and the book, losing my parents, and sharing about all this pain, and whether or not it does all come off as whiney or psychopathic, and shit, it may, as a friend of mine says everyone is entitled to their opinion. But I guess for me, I’m trying to do something new here with my writing. I’m trying to be brutally honest, about my thoughts, about my obsessions, about my modern life in general, because I want it as an accurate history. All of us will be dead in 100 years, but with the Internet, its conceivable that this writing will still be here, and people may want to know what it was like to live as a recovered alcoholic, in 2011, or whenever, it’s worth being honest I believe.

I know that it bleeds of vulnerability, that it drips of weakness in places, or drowns you in the minutia of an obsessive, recovered alcoholic but FUCK, its my thoughts, its me, and were I to write it more strongly, or more proud, it would be a lie, it would be false, it would be the opposite of true. I may have come off as a whiney psycho path, but I don’t believe I could have written things any other way. The point is to chronicle the pain, to grow from these learning experiences. This journey of sobriety is a marathon not a sprint, and if I don’t learn from these experiences I’m bound to repeat them. Unfortunately I don’t live in a bubble or a vacuum, and most of my pain comes from interacting with other human beings, who may not appreciate being written about, or who may misunderstand what I’m saying. Mozart’s Opera was obviously misunderstood for hundreds of years, and I am no genius, just a recovering alcoholic trying to learn from his mistakes, of which their are many. I know in my heart though that I didn’t mean anyone any pain and that I’ve been truthful in all my dealings, and that is a huge step up from the old JB who would have manipulated, lied and angled to get his way. So though I’m still a work in progress, far from perfection, I know my heart is good, I mean well, and though the blog may be personal, even though written in anonymity, these events will pass quickly, as the personal complications are all temporary, whereas the lessons learned and derived when looked back over can be permanent and hopefully shared and become wisdom for more than just my selfish ass, or whomever else they affect right this second, they can last longer than the situation, hell eternal really, you never can tell. Mozart’s best stuff is only now being played on a regular basis, hundreds of years later, and nobody has a fucking clue who the original woman who motivated him or cursed him as it were ever really was. And also, hell, he was using his real name, lol, this freaking blog is anonymous!

So yeah, somehow these thoughts dominated my mind as I was watching the Opera last night, that I never intended on upsetting anyone with my writing, ever, but that no matter what, I must remain true, continue to write, and be honest, and just know in my heart that I mean well, that I am ultimately a good man, and that if it’s misinterpreted, or critiqued by people whom don’t like me for whatever reasons, all I can do is keep on keeping on, staying sober no matter what.

Mozart was a mason too, I found out, who knew? I bet he wishes he had the word “fuck” to throw around, that would have changed an Act or two I assure you. lol…

Sooo in closing; here’s another poem pulled from the wreckage of my now distant past:

Careless Self

Quit ripping my heart out,

     Stop feasting on my flesh.

Ignorant of the pain I doubt,

     Every twinge, or twitch or breath.

Strikes horror through my soul,

     Nervous system is nervous again,

Loving you takes a toll.

     The dank of folly, the essence of sin.

Lust, camouflaged duality,

     We’re not even kind to ourselves.

Separate motives, same reality.

     Truth unopened books on shelves.

– Jared Bryan Smith

This has been a strange week for me. I thought something hadn’t affected as deeply as it really had, and seeing a few images brought it all back to light, and made me sad. To this day I just don’t understand how women dismiss chemistry so easily, as if it’s just something that the next gust of wind will bring along. For me it is rare and it just seems so simply disregarded by women sometimes, it makes me wonder if we even feel things the same way. Regardless, some weeks in sobriety, all you can do is just stay sober and your mission is accomplished. A day above ground, a day building or at the very least not destroying is better than the life of the past where every moment is slow suicide, and fortunately, though love continues to be a barren desert wasteland for me, opening the bible I continually find wisdom and sage advice over 6000 years young  that still hits home.

This passage is striking to me because it’s one of those moments in time that mean more to you once you’ve experienced it first hand. If you’ve not detoxed from alcohol and drugs you’ve not experienced what this Proverb is discussing, but man if you’ve felt it, you know it’s the truth and the fact that its in the bible and that old is striking.

Proverbs 23:29 (NIV)

Who has woe? Who has sorrow?

    Who has strife? Who has complaints?

     Who has needless bruises? Who had bloodshot eyes?

Those who linger over wine,

     who go to sample bowls of mixed wine.

Do not gaze at wine when it is red,

     when it sparkles in the cup,

     when it goes down smoothly!

In the end it bites like a snake

     and poisons like a viper.

Your eyes will see strange sights

     and your mind imagine confusing things.

You will be like one sleeping on the high seas,

     lying on top of the rigging.

“They hit me,” you will say, “but I’m not hurt!

     They beat me, but I don’t feel it!

When will I wake up,

     so I can find another drink?”

WHEEEEWWW boy, that hits home. Man I pray you don’t relate too closely to those words, because let me tell you something, if your mind is imagining as confusing things as my mind was imagining in the end days of my drinking, you are fucked in the head, lol. And that quote about getting hit and never getting hurt, that’s like jumping off a bridge and not getting a scratch, or wrecking a car going 120 mph down 75, or any number of fights and scenarios I was in in which I just didn’t or couldn’t get hurt, though I wanted to die. In that Nicolas Cage movie “Lord of War” he refers to it as the curse of invincibility and I talk about it in my book some. It’s hell, because you’re miserable and want to die, but somehow you just keep getting lucky, punched and not feeling the pain, dreaming of a drink, while you lay sleeping. When can I wake up and find another drink? That’s not a monkey on your back, thats a fucking guerilla. That obsession had been lifted in me and that my friends is proof to me that there is a God. My dad blew his head off with a .357, clean off, because he believed the obsession to drink and drug was never going to be lifted, that there was no cure, that RECOVERY didn’t exist.

I’m 4.5 years sober and I promise you it does, you can get the monkey off your back, go to meetings, do 90 in 90, get a competent sponsor and begin building in your life instead of destroying. If you think you’re only hurting yourself you fail to realize that every day you don’t use your God given gifts is a day you didn’t live up to your purpose, we’re not here to selfishly serve ourselves, so get busy living or get busy dying. Make some meetings and share your experience strength and hope. God is good.

Check out the book at the link below and its on smashwords for kindle nook and the link via the links on the blog for .99 cents, so go check  it out and please like Hippopotamus Sea on facebook! Thanks so much!

-JB Smith

Ego Rape

Land soft again into my arms,

Deny the duplicity, deception of charms.

Awaken the truth, the light and the way,

Set aside the pettiness, and seize the dying day.

Time slides by in endless waves,

Yesterdays tombs, flooded crypts and caves.

Regrets forever sealed, mistakes piled on tragedies,

Against the grain we raged, self inflicted maladies.

Surrender all your silliness, seek your heart for truth,

Beg your God for clarity, await your thoughts to soothe.

Crash delicate upon loves shore,

Humility beckoned you here.

Love is its own just sacred war,

Where victory grips you like fear.

Faithfully seek your soul for honesty,

The rarest form of being.

Cry foul the common brutality,

For EGO rapes us of seeing.

-Jared Bryan Smith

For more original poetry please read my book via books4free.com, smashwords or of course the hard cover hard back via the amazon link below:

Thanks for the support and if you like the book please leave a review on amazon AND smashwords as Indie publishing lives and dies by grassroots support and we appreciate all the word of mouth we get!!

Temporary Empty

Should that teardrop reverberate in the emptiness?

Would that spark ignite the void?

For that which felt like loneliness,

Was preparation for this noise.

Explosions need space to expand,

Love was never lost, just reorganizing.

Exponential tidal wave, emotional reprimand:

Be it real and true,

Then patience will allow it growth,

No jealousy or anger can fool,

No defect can defunct.

Be Cool. As water flows downhill,

Love returns, of its own free will.

-Jared Bryan Smith

PS: More original JB Smith poetry for free in the book Hippopotamus Sea on http://www.books4rfree.com, smashwords via the link on the left, and of course in hard copy via the amazon  link, thanks for your support:

In celebration of the 1st Professional review we’ve allowed the book to be downloaded on smashwords 100% free for a limited time. Smashwords converts the book for  Kindle, Nook, Sony’s reader, the IPAD and more, and Mark Coker is a genius as I’ve blogged about before. I allow Mark’s Smashwords.com site to handle all the digital distribution of the book because it’s simply the cleanest  most effective distributor of ebooks on Earth. Check out the book for free there, I’ll probably keep it free for a few weeks, down from $3.95.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/19066

It’s funny, when I was out there drinking, I was never insecure, shy or passive in any way shape or form, I was quite the opposite, loud, boastful and assertive in almost all aspects of my life. And running the show ended me up absolutely psychotic, so today things are different, I try and follow God’s will.

From a publishing standpoint though, if you’re not blowing your own horn, nobody else is gonna, especially as an Indie writer, but despite being slow, and shy, having sent out the book to only one professional book reviewer, instead of what is suggested by all the blogs and other vanity publishers, sending them to dozens, I couldn’t have handled bad reviews from that many folks. So I just sent to one, Bobbie Crawford McCoy in Canada, Founder of Nurture Your Books. You can find her review on my Amazon page, Smashwords on the front page of my blog, or directly:

http://nurtureyourbooks.com/website/index.php/blog/book-review24/

I was so relieved to finally read it. It’s a good review. That’s all I could ask for, and more importantly to me, she noted the fact that it was honest, and that the motive really is to help other people who may be going through the same struggle.

So now that I’ve gotten a good professional review, I feel much more comfortable sending out the book to multiple book reviewers as was suggested, I just really didn’t have the confidence to spend the time money and energy on that adventure without at least knowing I had one good professional review under my belt.

Thanks Bobbie Crawford McCoy, I can move confidently in the direction of my dreams for a while.

“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”
— Oscar Wilde

-Jared Bryan Smith

 

In 2008 I had just finished over a year of grueling, miserable Interferon Treatment which cured my Hep C, but which was hell. Even after quitting the Interferon I continued to suffer extreme headaches and it felt like some days I was better off while on Interferon. All you can do at that point though is just power through and hope for the best. For me that meant praying the treatment would be successful and it hadn’t all been in vain. For me, it was worth it, I was cured of Hep C, but for far too many, or roughly 50% of the people who do the year-long Interferon treatment, they don’t get cured and still must suffer all the long-term horrific side effects that the scientific, or maybe just the pharmaceutical community downplay so effectively here in the states. I’m lucky because at least my constant headaches, aches and pains mean I am at least cured of Hepatitis C. But in that first month when I wasn’t quite sure yet, since they must let you be off the Interferon for six months before they will pronounce you “cured”, I just had to wait, suffer and wonder. During that time I saw a PBS show that covered the science of the brain.

Dr. Daniel Amen as it turns out was using a new technique to study the brain, and I found it absolutely fascinating, primarily because I was facing so many changes in my own mind, having suffered from the disease of addiction and alcoholism, literally losing my mind, and then in 2008 at roughly 1.5 years sober, recovering from a year-long assault on my mind in the form of Interferon, in the name of curing Hep C. Some of the things his scans showed, called SPECT Scans, were freaking amazing. Mainly that the alcoholic brain in the SPECT scans looked empty and riddled with holes for roughly 12 months after the alcoholic quit drinking! That it took over a year for the alcoholic mind to get back to normal blew my mind, but it made perfect sense. Also he had data showing clearly worse recovery rates of the brain of people who used harder drugs like methamphetamine’s, Cocaine and LSD (lucky me). To me, this looked like conclusive evidence, and the only data I’d ever really seen portrayed as efficiently. Having gotten sober myself, and thinking, hell after 30 days, or 90 days I should be just fine, be right back to normal, and that obviously not happening, I was very glad to see hard data showing that it took longer than I had expected to return to a state of normalcy, and furthermore he had done even more research into the mind, and even delved into looking at the Pharmaceutical Industry’s cure alls, anti depressants, ADHD medication, and even anti anxiety medication. This guy had really done his research with thousands of patients, and the data he shared on the PBS special I was watching was mind-blowing. For one thing I fully expected him to endorse all the meds out there thrown to the American populus but in fact his data refuted it.

I don’t have the charts or the graphs he used in front of me, but let me just give you the gist, and if you’re in a similar situation as I was back then, at least do yourself the favor of researching Dr. Amen’s data yourself, as I include a link at the bottom of this blog.

As I was recovering from a year long fight with Interferon, depression, and roughly 20 years of addiction and suffering from terrible bouts of sadness and more acutely headaches, getting on antidepressants or medications was a serious consideration. The only thing holding me back from it was the experience I’d had with it just before I began Inteferon which was that when I began taking Wellbutrin my cravings to drink and drug went through the roof. As my sponsor told me it was disconnecting me from the spirit, just like a drink or a drug would do. But still I was suffering so I was still considering trying the softer easier way of medications again, especially now that I had over a year sober. I wasn’t making the decision lightly though, and watching this special ultimately made me try exercise instead. As I remember the presentation, what he basically said was that, yes, you could get temporary results against depression and ADHD from medicines but the chart basically showed that like with any drug, to continue experiencing the favored results you would need to continue increasing your dosage, and also you would experience side effects that came along with the drugs, and as you increased your dosage, you would increase you side effects. One of the major side effects being sexual. Well, sorry folks, but fuck that. I like my sexual prowess to remain unaffected, haha. That basically sealed the deal for me but he continued, showing the same chart of moods, but instead of countering them with medicines and pharmaceuticals, countering them with an exercise regimen, that also increased along as your body became more and more capable of handling the work out. The data was spellbinding to me. Basically, the mood stabilizations were equal if not greater than that of the same patients using medicines, except that sexual side effects weren’t experienced, in fact quite the opposite, sex became more enjoyable in my case once I got in shape, and also exercise is free, as well as you didn’t have the other side effects of dry mouth, nausea, etc. and more importantly, you weren’t becoming dependent on chemicals. The effects of exercise long-term, were more effective at creating the natural chemicals in your mind that ultimately make you feel better.

And to back it all up he shared brain scans of different patients using the two different methods, of exercise vs chemical dependency, because that’s what anti depressants become, even if they are prescribed by Doctors, and low and behold the patients with just exercise mind’s were much better in those scans a year later than those who were relying on pharmaceuticals. And yet people still choose the softer easier way and come into the rooms of AA overloaded with prescriptions and anti anxiety medicines, and ultimately, if they make it and that’s a big if, they’ve just switched dependencies.

I’m not a Dr. and AA doesn’t have an opinion on medications, but the data Dr. Amen showed was clear and I’m glad I saw it. Please check out the scans at the link below and I’ll also add his blog to my blogroll as it is fascinating information. And yes I am fully aware of his critics and those that discredit those SPECT scans, but the arguments seem to me much like telling Columbus the world was flat. People on the forefront of technology are constantly getting attacked, and also, for someone so blatantly talking about the ineffectiveness of the pharmaceutical industries cure alls that are over prescribed wish lists of symptom treaters, I would expect nothing less than a full on counter attack. Fuck em the data makes sense to me because I lived it.

Based on his data and the show’s I’ve since incorporated exercise into my program of recovery, and it makes a HUGE difference. If I don’t work out even just for a couple of days, I become prone to depression, and thoughts, although they pass quickly, of the chronic “Fuck It’s” we in recover are prone to. Nothing like the obsession of early recovery mind you, as I am free of that obsession, thank God, but still, if I don’t work out, I definitely can feel a difference. And again, my experience with meds was that they made me feel less connected, where as working out, I experience endorphin rushes, runners high, and after wards often feel as good as having just had sex… well maybe not that good, but closer than I ever have with the meds I’ve flirted with in recovery. Bottom line, though our literature only mentions exercise in one book, “Living Sober” it sure as hell has made a huge difference in my recovery, and I wish we had more studies regarding it’s long term positive effects, versus that of prescribed medications because though Dr. Amen’s data was conclusive to me, there is still a lot of debate out there, and I’d love to see the issue settled, with hard conclusive facts.

I would really also love for Dr. Amen to do a specific study of the brain effects, before and afterwards of both Chemo and interferon patients, and maybe he has and I just haven’t seen it. Because the scientific community claims it doesn’t affect the brain but I’m here to tell you there are long term ramifications to interferon, I can no longer do math in my head, remember names as well, and more and though they may not be able to prove it through blood work, I wonder if Dr. Amen’s scans show a difference.

Oh the other thing I definitely wanted to mention, and if you’ve ever spent ANY amount of time in the rooms of AA or NA this is something you constantly hear, “but I’m an insomniac, or I have trouble sleeping.” Exercise is the BEST way on Earth to counter insomnia. Nobody, and I mean nobody on Earth goes through boot camp, and can’t fall asleep at night! Yesterday I ran 13 miles in two hours, and guess what, I slept like a baby. If you have trouble sleeping, before you go get nyquil, or good forbid prescription meds to go to sleep, incorporate exercise. Those chemicals are mood changers and I’ve taken them and know for a fact they change the way you feel that night, but also for the day or two following, and we are too sensitive to be flirting with that kind of disaster. If you have bad knees and can’t run, join a gym and swim. The human body spent hundreds of thousands of years wallking, running and exercising on a daily basis and evolution hasn’t caught up to the fact that we no longer use our bodies for survival and therefore all of us generally have pent up energy at the end of our days. Add to that scientific fact, the fact that we made ourselves pass out to go to sleep for years on end, and OF COURSE YOU HAVE TROUBLE GOING TO SLEEP, we all did early on, and I’m here to tell you, simply add exercise daily to your life, and you will find you no longer have a problem sleeping. Even if you just start out by walking a mile or two a day, start some where, this is scientific fact… and if you’re around me, and don’t work out, don’t whine about not being able to sleep. It’s simple cause and effect. And it’s really simple, as Nike says: Just do it!

http://www.amenclinics.com/brain-science/spect-image-gallery/

– Jared Bryan Smith

Pharmaceuticals, Doctors, AA and Sobriety

It is clear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Alcoholics Anonymous, has no stance on outside issues, and this includes the use of pharmaceuticals, prescribed by Doctors to help the newcomer get off alcohol and more illicit drugs. I used Librium to fight detox on two occasions, and I’m glad it existed, as the time I detoxed with nothing, was a freaking nightmare, so I get the good that they are capable of, though I never used them for more than a few days to get past the worst of the shakes and dt’s.

What does concern me though, is when a newcomer comes into the rooms, has several different Doctors, is cross diagnosed as manic depressive, borderline personality disorder, let us not forget the ever popular Bipolar diagnosis, and of course each and every one of us qualifies for ADHD, and is on several different kinds of heavy legally prescribed drugs, and then can’t figure out, why at 90 days they aren’t feeling any better.

It was refreshing therefore to see a speaker yesterday who’d been diagnosed schizophrenic, and a few other diagnoses and had all the accompanying symptoms, have a Doctor tell him, “I don’t think you are any of these things, just a plain old fashioned garden variety alcoholic, and I believe if you just practice the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, you will feel 100% relief from all these supposed conditions.” The Doctor then told him, “We will keep a close eye on you, expect some moderate to severe discomfort the first week or two as you cycle all these meds out of your system, but as you come into week three, four and five, I’ll be willing to bet you begin feeling considerably better, especially if you stay on top of your program and continue going to lots of meetings and working the steps.”

The speaker from last night told us he immediately began to feel better. His mind began to clear almost instantly, that it was uncomfortable the first few days, but after a week, he began to feel the light like he’d never felt it before and he was something in the neighborhood of six months sober. Those meds had been blocking the sunlight of the spirit however, and for the first time, he really began to feel relief. He said he believed those meds had been keeping his mind fuzzy for months on end and as soon as he stopped the fog began to lift. Most Doctors do not understand this miracle that is recovery. Since 1939 people with as bad and worse cross addictions, and emotional disorders have been getting sober through AA without medications, and yet, now, in 2010, it seems, every woman and man that comes in to the program comes clutching on to two or three pill bottles, for two or three different diagnoses. Though AA doesn’t have a stance on medications, I feel like we should at least tell people, “Listen, should you do it your way with all these meds and find the results still wanting, remember there is another way.” The Founders, and for decades millions, of AA’ers got sober, without any meds at all. Having anxiety is a normal part of getting sober, which is the God sized hole we must fill with the program of action.

 

I by no means speak for AA and I by no means advocate not listening to your doctor, but AA does have a pamphlet you can share with you Doctor at the link below, and it was just good to hear a speaker talk about how it had worked for him, specifically dropping his medications, and giving 100% chemical freedom a chance.

I know for me, when I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C, and began taking Interferon, which I wouldn’t wish on Osama Bin Laden (well maybe him), they told me to take Wellbutrin, because the awful side effects were so strong they were surely going to make me depressed. But after just a few days of that medication, after being completely sober a year, 100% chemical free, I felt completely disconnected from God. I quit taking them that day and instantly felt better. I did my entire year without anti depressants, anti anxiety or pain medications because I didn’t want to feel disconnected from God as I went through that year of low level chemotherapy to clear my body of Hepatitis C. I’d felt the connection with God, and I didn’t want anything to sever that, more so that the Interferon itself would have to. I can’t imagine what it must be like getting sober, with those kinds of chemicals keeping you separated from the very beginning. It may make the first few days easier, like Librium, but I bet when you’re rounding the 90 day and 6 month timeframes of sobriety, you just aren’t as connected as someone who has been getting sober without all the psychological meds.

Again, I’m no official, or Doctor, but my experience strength and hope is that, just as I couldn’t get sober on the Marijuana Maintenance program, I doubt real sobriety comes while on a cocktail of pharmaceuticals. If you are on a cocktail and you don’t feel like you’re getting the results, just remember that you haven’t tried all the ways of sobriety just yet. Please just be aware that there is another way, the way of 100% chemical freedom, no medications other than Tylenol, Advil and the like. Show the following AA pamphlet to your doctor, and honestly ask them, “Could this approach work for me? Could we at least try it for 90 days, and if it’s not yielding results you can always go back to all the meds, but don’t give up, don’t stop persevering or relapse back into the old drinking and drugging ways, without at least giving every single avenue, every single creek that leads to the river and ocean of life, a chance. Many more people have gotten sober without all the medications in the last 10 to 20 years, than have with them, and if it feels like it’s not working, just remember, there is one more way.

If you are on a bunch of meds and it’s your first time in AA, don’t beat yourself up, who can blame anyone for doing as their Doctors suggests? We are all just proud of you for being here in the first place and we will love you until you learn to love yourself, it just makes sense to be aware that there is another way of doing things, and the purists, over the past 70 years, cumulatively have a lot of sobriety. So if it’s not working your way, remember, there is another path that may hurt more on the front end, but that many believe, pays huge dividends as you work the 12 Steps clean and sober, without any medications. If nothing else seems to be working, isn’t it worth a try?

http://www.aa.org/catalog.cfm?origpage=189&product=33

-Jared Bryan Smith

 

So recently I’ve been asked a few times about the dedication in the beginning of my book, given to Rand Hopkins who was a mentor to me in my writing from early on. He, my Uncle and my father were good friends dating years back in the Atlanta theater scene as they worked on such productions as “The Boy King”, a play about Martin Luther King’s childhood and several other plays in Atlanta during the eighties. My Dad had a sound recording studio in the basement, prior to his death, and this was where they recorded the scores for all of those plays.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0394259/

Rand Hopkins was a writer, an actor, and even a talented painter, and my Aunt still has several of his paintings. He was also a very jovial, loving man, who was one of the few people on Earth who could tell me good stories about my Dad after he died in 1989 of alcoholism, or suicide rather, but still when someone dies like that most of the stories take dark turns. Only a handful of people were able to tell me good things about my Dad, and he was one of them. A particular funny story involved my dad going outside to take a piss and coming back in screaming and yelling about a dog almost biting his dick off, and as Rand would tell the story he’d be in tears with the theatrics, and his laughter was a contagious sort, so I’d be in tears laughing about my dad’s antics. That was a kind thing of him to do, and I was grateful, then and now.

Shortly after my father passed, my mom allowed me to go to NYC with a group of kids that Rand would host, and we would visit all the Broadway Plays in New York City. What an adventure for a 12 year old. We would have a blast. My mom gave me a few hundred bucks spending cash, and I remember hitting Time Square and finding every arcade I could possibly find, and just spending hours and hours in them. Rand didn’t mind just so long as I made it back to the hotel before midnight or so. While we were in NYC we saw a ton of plays, from Phantom of the Opera, to Miss Saigon, Les Miserable, and even a few off broadway productions as well, including one in which we sat second or third row and Ralph Macchio from the Karate Kid was the lead actor. I remember watching it and marveling at the differences between plays and movies with the Karate Kid a few feet from me, remembering his lines flawlessly, but still so much more human than on the big screen.

As the years passed we lost touch, especially as my drug and drinking use accelerated. But at a few critical moments I would reach out to him and share with him my writings, and he would encourage me, and tell me I was talented and I should continue writing. He sent me a copy of the Writer’s Market around 1998, and then again in 2004, when we reconnected after I was cast, quite accidentally, in “Miracle on 32nd Street” due to Gwen’s insistence. That’s another story you can find in the book. It was just a few weeks after my mama had died of cancer, and Gwen had left me for San Diego. I was withdrawing from all opiates and doing my damnedest not to kill myself drinking, or at this point, the way my father had gone. We talked briefly one night about a month after my mom, and he said something to the effect of “Live out your dreams JB, because life is short and you just never know when you might get run over by a bus. Write a book about everything you’ve gone through, because you’ve gone through a lot, and it will help you heal.” Literally a month later Rand Hopkins died suddenly in his sleep. I dropped out of that play, unable to contain my drinking binges, and completely incapable of showing up to anything on time or with any kind of consistency, but because of that play, and the people at the play house I heard about Rand’s death, and otherwise, I doubt I would have ever even heard. Funny how life works out like that.

I wasn’t invited to the funeral. Or maybe I was, and they just couldn’t get a hold of me. That’s the predicament of being a black out drunk, it’s hard to blame folks for lost invites, but the significance of that man, his words and his sentiment was never lost on me. He believed in me as a writer, and because he was an award winning writer himself I believed in him. If anybody else had said it I wouldn’t have believed them.

He had awesome connections and friends, and I sometimes wonder if I could reach any of them, but I know he knew Michael Jay Fox and also helped out Kenan Thompson who was also from my hometown of Atlanta, GA, early on in his career, though I’m not real sure the extent or depth of either friendships.

Still, I wish he’d been here to see my book launched, and could have helped me a little to promote it, and more than that, to tell me what he really thought. The good die young it seems. I suppose I should rejoice that I had him in my life as long as I did, and be proud that I did complete the project.

I dedicated the book to him because more than anyone else, his encouragement and faith in my writing meant the absolute most to me over the years. He was a good friend and I miss him much.

-Jared Bryan Smith