Posts Tagged ‘12 Steps’

9/11/2011 – Remembering the chaos 10 years ago, in our nation and in my mind. Facing fear, sober and otherwise…

Posted: September 12, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,
0

September 11, 2001 is something I write about quite a bit in my book Hippopotamus Sea, and something I’ll not soon forget. I am a patriot and NYC is my most visited city in the world, outside of my home Atlanta, GA. I love NYC with a passion for all that it stands for, it’s arts, it’s diversity, its 24/7 commerce, it’s lights, its energy, its architecture. That a few mud hut dwelling piss ants were able to conduct a mission on it with as much luck as they did still baffles my mind.

In 2001 I had just started my first company. Fortune Staffing. I had placed an Auditor with Cox Enterprises and collected 17k within 3 weeks of hiring her, and I thought that I had arrived. Professionally, personally, everything. I’d been driven to start my own company out of frustration of working for someone else for so many years, watching them collect from my hard work, and I literally ripped a door off of my upstairs rooms hinges, created a desk out of it with a hammer nails and some 2 x 4s and I began making cold calls. I prayed, I begged clients and by my third week I had revenue. I’d started in August of 2001, and by the second week in September I’d collected and was feeling pretty amazing about my business skills at the ripe age of 23 or so.

I was also in love. The gorgeous 23 year old redhead model, who would that year be asked at my moms Christmas party if she was a Cheetah girl, was stunningly beautiful, and happened to live right down the street from me. It’s hard for me not to look back on this day with a bit of romantic nostalgia for my disease of addiction. I had woken up that day, made love to the redhead, smoked a bit of joint for a wake and bake, and was listening to the Regular Guys on 96 rock talk about a plane and then upon hearing that I turned on the news, just in time to see the second plane hit. And I knew instantly it was Bin Laden, who’d hit NYC years before and who we’d launched cruise missiles at in a knee jerk ineffective reaction years before. She drove to work and I drove to my house to tell my friend who was staying with me and we both sat up and watched the news for the next several days in a row if not weeks.

I’m sure I drank that night. I might have even done a bit of blow. I know I smoked weed. I hate to admit it but I let the fear in the media and the news consume me and I used it all as a reason to completely and 100% give up on my company. I look back on this and wonder how I could have let fear consume me as much as I did, but I did and I can not change the past. Instead of facing the realities of the economic slow down, I proceeded to stay as drunk and as high as I possibly could for as long as I could. I had divorced a year or two before and I guess my disease had been building up to a pinnacle. Unfortunately if you have the disease of alcoholism or drug addiction, you may go on for years, a somewhat functioning member of society, but eventually you will crack and go into a tail spin, and my 1st real tail spin as an adult coincided with 9/11 for sure.

I did a couple of good things before it all went to hell in a hand basket though. I took the red head to NYC when Giuliani asked for people to help by visiting NYC. Her mother mocked us as morbid, but I wanted to witness history. And we did. We witnessed families still in the streets crying, holding pictures of their dead relatives, asking if we’d seen them. We went to Hogs and Heffer’s and spoke to drunk fireman and iron workers, and commiserated and raged, and got wasted. We woke up feeling shitty and hung over and we saw soldiers in Time Square with automatic rifles, and at the airport, and we watched the news. We returned to Atlanta changed, sad, and filled with fear. We broke up. I drank it off.

Within six months I would close the doors on my business, have a serious cocaine habit, and be foreclosing on the first house I was so proud of buying at age 18. The economy would be about to recover, but I wasn’t. I was consumed by my disease. That was the beginning of the end for me. I was so fucking self-absorbed, I was mad at God for making 9.11 happen to me. As if the 3000 families of lost loved ones were not going through the same amount of pain as my self-centered ass was. But that’s an addict for you, not able to see the forest through the trees.

I’m almost 5 years sober now, and ten years removed from walking Ground Zero in 2001 while the rubble still smoldered, and the smell of fear covered NYC. I’m glad we got him. I am very grateful I am a changed man. Feelings are not things. Fear is man-made, and as a great man said and I’ve experienced first hand, “The only thing to fear is fear itself.” It’s so true for me. If I had just had faith, in myself, in our nation, in our overall economic prosperity I would still have that first business, but I let fear rule me and I let my disease take the wheel. It is what it is and I won’t make the same mistakes again, but I can’t help but regret it as I wake up still in a job search, considering my options in 2011, having been laid off 3 times in the last 3 years. Still, 9.11 was the vanguard of so many valuable lessons for me.

Not least of which was to cease fighting. For me, this has been so crucial. I simply can not allow myself to get so worked up and angry at people I’ve never met and have no control over. My anger after 9.11 led me to get in bar fights to no end, and  I assure you,  I beat up and got beat up by zero Taliban. But damn it if I didn’t pick a multitude of fights, stitches and all, fire off rounds into the air over in great dramatic bravado, and even get arrested for carrying a concealed weapon once all for the anger I held and the possibility I might be able to do something about a threat to our country. Very lofty thinking…that I make a difference. I made a difference to my arrest record. I still have a simple battery on my record from about a month after 9.11 and I’ve lost a few job opportunities to that bullshit. So there was that immediate anger, as we know in the program, much better left to be a luxury of more normal men, but also the political, conspiracy theories, or just watching the world and getting angry at say the conduct of our troops, or the deployment of our troops into different areas. The misuse of troops even. As if the greatest minds in the free world weren’t thinking this stuff through, they needed me to get angry, and sit at a bar and effectively bitch over it. I mean, what a colossal waste of time and energy.

In sobriety I’ve learned to really cease fighting everything and everybody, even politicians, generals and intelligence agencies, which have much more information than I do when making such critical decisions. I have to let go and let God, with my disease, but also on things like this that conjure so many emotions both good and bad, and just have faith, that God, who took us out of the fucking caves 50000 years ago, will somehow manage this crises, without the input of ole JB’s best counsel. I mean I know it’s hard to believe the CIA doesn’t need my advice, or the NSA doesn’t appreciate my strategic input given all my video games experience in Real Time Strategy WW2 ‘s, but apparently they do not. And more than that, even if they did, I would still have zero control over how things are going to turn out. On the macro, I am a grain of sand, and tear in the ocean, a pebble in the universe. I’m one of 300 million citizens, and one of 7 billion on Earth. Instead of thinking I have any amount of control at all, this has all been a lesson in humility, and in having faith. All I control is my attitude, and how I react to things. I am utterly powerless, except for in the micro, in my mind.

The United States economy is still kicking, however many trillions dollar less we may have collectively, but I would do well do keep the lessons, both personally and nationally as I face the decisions of starting a new company back up, joining the Army, or waiting for one of these offers to materialize. Number one, no matter how bad it looks, commerce and enterprise will continue. We may have 16 trillion in debt, over 40 million on food stamps, and more on SS and Unemployment, and if the government were to go broke, revolution would be a just a Rodney King episode away, but still, here we are, 10 years later still surviving. On the upside, I think even the Socialists have realized you can’t continue to print money. Uncle Sam’s bound to get things back in line in this next election, and face up to the dept we’ve amassed over the past 10 years expanding every branch of federal government and two wars. We still do have 110 million people in the country that are fully employed, and yes unemployment and underemployment are huge, we are still conducting business. We have to, commerce and enterprise are what made us great.

I have faith now, instead of living in fear. I  pray for God’s will instead of giving into panic, and he tells me to keep writing, keep staying sober, and keep facing challenges rather than run away. If shit does hit the fan collectively, well then, God will still be there. The same God that pulled together the events of the American Revolution and guided Christians through WW1 and WW2 will be around to look us all over here.

Everything is temporary and all I’ve got is today, so one day at a time brother. And don’t take yourself to damn seriously, there wasn’t much I could have done then, or now. I’m just not as important as I used to think I was, haha, THANK GOD!!

Jared Bryan Smith

“Flight of the seabirds, scattered like lost words Wheel to the storm and fly Fare thee well now Let your life proceed by its own design.”

Posted: June 25, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
2

“Nothing to tell now
Let the words be yours, I’m done with mine”

By John Perry Barlow with Bob Weir
Recorded on Ace (Warner Brothers, 1972)
Cora, Wyoming February, 1972

I go months and months without thinking about certain things, including the grateful dead, and then in a wave and a rush, I’ll remember how much I love the music and how much the words can mean to me.

When I wrote the Robert Hunter quote from the song yesterday, it brought back all the thoughts of my divorce, losing my son as a full time father, and the loss of so many loves throughout the last 15 years. Today I woke up with Cassidy running through my mind. God those words are beautiful, so fucking poetic, just humming them brings back such memories. For me, this song brings back my mama’s passing, and the eternity of all life. The hawk I saw circling our limo as we drove to her funeral. Good music can be so personal, it can mean so many things.

Being a christian I believe death is only another passing moment. We will all get there, how we lived, who we helped, who we treated well, who we forgave, is all there is. If christianity didn’t exist we should invent it as the best way of living. I have reawakened to my faith in the last year or so and it’s amazing what I find reading through the pages of the new testament.

How much of the book is there, that we simply do not do? Fasting for instance. In all my life I’ve never known a christian that fasted. It’s prominent, it’s there, it’s in the words and yet I’ve never ever heard the first sermon on it. Also forgiveness. Real forgiveness. Turning the other cheek when someone maliciously, childishly attacks you. I know so many christian values that are spoken about, but barely ever practiced. I guess because it is hard to do.

But for me, in sobriety ever year I learn a little more spiritually and learn that the things I learn are generally good for me. Obedience to God and to spiritual principles that he continually shows me almost always has it’s own inherent rewards. Usually first though, it’s hard as hell to begin a new behavior.

Taking a year off of dating, which was suggested by minister Andy Stanley for a year, long after my sponsor had suggested it for several years, is finally starting to sound like it might have some actual validity. I’ve made nothing but messes of every single relationship I’ve ever been in in my entire life. As the 12 and 12 states and I was moved by the very first time I ever read:

“The primary fact that we fail to recognize  is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. (THIS IS THE BEST PART) Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to your own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap or to hide underneath it. The is self centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.”

page 53 – The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Wow, what precision. How can they have mapped us out so effectively?

I guess the only fix is the 12 steps, time and layers of the onion.

-Jared Bryan Smith

 

 

“You told me goodbye, How was I to know, You didn’t mean goodbye, You meant please don’t let me go.” – Robert Hunter (Grateful Dead)

Posted: June 24, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
0

Woke up thinking about work again, it’s been an amazing few months with our software going into almost every major nightclub and dozens of great restaurants throughout Atlanta, and I’ve hired three sales folks, and I’m just amped still. We release on iphone very soon, and the anticipation to see how everything all works is palpable.

Staying busy has kept me emotionally stronger than I think I would have otherwise been with all the damn goodbyes this year. Starting with the one at the beginning of the  year that still stings most prominently no matter how much i wish it didn’t, it’s like my professional life had to make a trade with my personal life or something.

I still feel good sobriety wise though. Had an ear infection in the beginning of the week and my hearing is only about 50% of what it usually is, but it finally seems like its getting better. That’s always scary in sobriety, in our heads its never just an ear infection, I was positive I was going deaf. But 100 bucks for a drs appt and some antibiotics and it seems to be going back to normal.

Visited my sister for her birthday and got to hold the new baby, and she is gorgeous. They are so happy with their perfect little family. I remember those days, when my now 15 year old son was first born, every breath is magic, and they smell so good. My son still smells sweet to me. My cousin has two kids as well and me and the older one, who is 3, played angry birds and ant smashers on my phone until he killed the battery. There was a hyper dog running around as well. How is it the people who already have 2 kids, working on three, also have a hyper dog running around, and just don’t even seem annoyed by any of it? I guess when you’re happy those things don’t irritate you, and they are all very happy in their new families.

I guess I’m just lonely, but hey thats the brakes, nobody ever promised me anything in sobriety except for work, and a daily reprieve. I didn’t wake up with an obsession to drink and drug and somedays that is all the victory you’re going to get.

Still no word on the addicted project interview but I’m definitely looking forward to seeing that in print.

Tomorrow evening, 8 pm, telling my story at the 8111 clubhouse for those in the know! Hope to see you there!

– Jared Bryan Smith

theaddictedproject.com – Just finished my interview!!

Posted: June 10, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,
2

Fun stuff.

Very proud to be on theaddictedproject.com and to be their featured author.

It was a long week, and I was a bit tired and discombobulated, but I think it went over pretty well, we shall see I suppose.

Great questions though.

Writing about personal relationships has definitely been the most taxing and challenging aspect of both the book and the blog and something I never thought of before launching with either. A certain sadness and melancholy arises just thinking over miscommunications, and misunderstandings, but that is what happens when you put your stream of consciousness on display for the world to see. It becomes a target of attack and it’s challenging to learn how to deal with criticism and or people with hurt feelings, especially when you never intended to hurt anyone… ever.

I hope I was able to convey that in the interview. I’m still just learning how to be me, just like all of us sick alcoholics trying to get better. All I have is today, and every day is a journey, and a challenge….

Wow…. and just like that it’s all worth while…. phone call from a friend who just cleared the virus using Interferon… just like that it’s all worth while. He’s read the book, and he’s now well on his way to being Hep C free. It’s all good.

Life is good, and miracles are abound in the program of AA. Where else could a drunk like me find friends, lol.

So sweet, I don’t know how long before the interview will be up on theaddictedproject.com but surely not too long so keep coming back and if you see it before me poke me on facebook or something… you can poke the publisher  too and he’ll notify me… 😉 thanks yall, have a great weekend.

-Jared Bryan Smith

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. – Lao Tzu

Posted: May 24, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
4

What a long, long weekend.

Sobriety is filled with firsts. Whenever I’ve begun to feel comfortable and well rounded in this program, seems like I always find a new challenge to face, a new layer of the onion to peel and learn somehow to yet again grow a bit. I’m a VP of Sales for a technology company that sells to amongst other clients, restaurants. The National Restaurant Association has a huge event in Chicago every year and my boss signed me up to go this year and I didn’t think twice about going, in fact I was quite excited, as I’ve always done inside sales, and never in my career ever traveled to do any kind of sales at all.

How’s the saying go, wear your sobriety like a loose shirt, but don’t forget to put the shirt on every morning. Well, for some reason, I forgot to put the shirt on. Or I was just careless or didn’t think it through, I’m really not sure. I asked a friend of mine who I’ve known in Chicago for over 20 years, who grew up with me in Atlanta and whom I began my drinking and drugging career with back in middle school. Why the thought didn’t occur to me that this might be careless, hell, even dangerous is beyond me. I really just didn’t think it through.

I woke up early to get to Chicago and after landing, walking the convention all day I get back to his place, where he’d left a key, and try to go to sleep. After about an hour, he comes in there, into the room I’m sleeping, and drunk as hell, shakes me until I wake up, all with the best intentions, but just 100% oblivious as to what waking up to an obnoxious drunk idiot might be like to a recovered alcoholic. I was already irritated he failed to mention his huge white lab, as I’m allergic to dogs, but good lord, to wake me up in the middle of the night drunk off your ass, to reminisce, I mean seriously? It went downhill from there.

I didn’t get back to sleep till 4 am, I walked the convention the whole next day, when I returned he was drinking red wine. I love the guy, but I don’t hang out with drunk people for a reason. I’m just a different person than I used to be.

What’s more was the insight into my personality changes he noted. He told me, “As soon as I saw you, I could tell your confidence was shaken.” I am still not sure how to take this. The thing is for 20 years I had a false bravado, an alcoholic fueled, megalomania that was delusional, dangerous, and was leading me to death. Perhaps humility is what he saw and just misinterpreted it. I don’t really know. I don’t really care. As the quote above says, deep in the center of my being I know who I am and what I want, and I have the answer, and it is to be a good humble human being, not a self assured, ego driven nut-job that I used to be. I’m much more confident now in my heart of hearts than I ever was before, whether that shows on my face or not.

I know what he means. He’s referring to the kind of confidence, a con man uses to pull his cons. Or a womanizer uses to seduce. He’s referring to a certain arrogance that actually does work in this world most of the time, but one that I don’t and prefer not to emit anymore. I can still sell good ideas I believe in, and I can still convey good ideas, I need not beam a ray of greater than thou bullshit to accomplish the missions I choose to embark on now. I might lose a few girls, or a few accounts, or be thought of as humble or weak from time to time by not emitting that King of the World egotistical confidence game I used to carry around with me so effectively, but in my heart of hearts I knew that person was a fraud. I was never that confident, it was always a lie. An egomaniac with an inferiority complex we call it. How true, and how sad. I didn’t fight because I was a bad ass, I fought because I was scared. Mark Twain said “Never fight a little man, he will kill you.” I carried around an aire of superiority while I was drinking and drugging that some recognized and even loved, but that ultimately drove me to drinking alone, friendless, hopeless, dying in a rat infested shack all by myself. I may not be that same confident man, but I am a better man for it, no doubt.

And it’s no great loss that someone still suffering in the throes of addiction, and ultimately denial, would recognize my lost ego, and point that out as a blatant negative change, and then lecture me on how it’s all about a relationship with God and a higher power, drunk and high, at 3 am, walking in an alleyway in Chicago, while all I wanted to do was rest. In fact, I should have expected it, and I should have prepared better for it. Fortunately I have a program of recovery. I have a sponsor, who has a sponsor, and even after the meeting at the Mustard Seed AA Clubhouse in Chicago turned out to be another fiasco of the trip, I had a network of men I could call in Atlanta and talk to and thankfully, relate to. I didn’t need a drunks approval, or assessment of my “confidence”. I have a network of men in Atlanta that know how much I’ve been through, how much I’ve changed, and know that there’s no going back to that old ego driven JB but that the way to self esteem is doing esteem-able things, and if at 4.5 years sober that’s still not as high as it was when artificially amped up by drugs and alcohol, well then you just need to keep on working on it. So I don’t have the woman of my dreams yet, or all the tea in China, or the BMW M3, I still have good friends and family that love and care for me, that know I’m way better off here and now than when I was back there killing my self slow.

Still it was good to land back in Atlanta and get to a meeting. I went straight to 8111 and caught the 10 pm meeting, and I felt like I’d touched home base. Confidence shaken, lol, yeah, well, I learned a few things this weekend. 1) Don’t stay with friends who still drink like fish 2) Know where the good meetings are  3) don’t park next to the anthills at hartsfield and 4) get your own rental car in strange cities. I am an alcoholic, and I can’t be dependent on other people to get to meetings when I’m elsewhere, period the end.

Oh I did think of an awesome APP we should develop though, “CLOSEST AA MEETING” using your smart phones GPS ,geo locate you and timestamp to find closest applicable AA meeting. I can’t believe it’s not already on the market?!! Who wants to partner on this, I kind of have my hands full. It’s good to be home, great to be sober, and good to know just who I am, and who knows me. My name is JB Smith and I’m an alcoholic, and also… not fond of smelly people on airplanes.

-Jared Bryan Smith

If I am honest, I need not fear what I’ve written…

Posted: May 13, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
1

If I’m honest when I write, I don’t have to fear what’s been published. Especially if I’m writing passionately about moods and emotions which can change like the winds. The cool thing is that the internet is permanent, as in forever, not going anywhere, and it is conceivable that this blog will exist for my grandchildren or even further out. How cool is that? Immortality, but probably hidden into obscurity with all the other immortals. Haha, that is fine, I’m ok with that. I am special, just like everybody else. 🙂

It would be awesome to be able to read my grandfathers blog, who was a Colonel in the USAF, or even further back. Listen to their daily struggles and challenges. I would especially love to know if there were other alcoholics or OCD’s that learned how to either defeat the disease or manage their OCD, I mean that shit would have been invaluable.

We lost a kid in the rooms around north Atlanta yesterday. In and out for years, it’s pretty standard, par for the course, nobody I’ve ever met dies without first being introduced to AA, being shown the light, told the truth, and then making their own decision. It is with no amount of casualness they say, ” There are those who will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves” for this is the MOST COMMON THEME OF THOSE THAT DIE. They couldn’t fucking be honest with anyone around them. And if you can’t be honest with those around you, you most certainly can’t be honest with yourself.

This blog, went from an average of 100 hits or so a day up to 1435 or so on the day after the Osama blog, with the Mark Twain misquote, and then I introduced all the eff bombs, and as fate would have it, the blog traffic, nosedived to roughly 20 or so a day. I think the eff bombs takes it off the wordpress search results or something. So fucking what. I really don’t care. I don’t write this for traffic, or even to sell books so much, as I do to record my history, get down in written format what I’m honestly struggling with as I get through year 4 of sobriety. Having overcome some serious challenges this year, I am glad  I have a written, honest and thorough description of it, recorded for my own posterity, and if I’m lucky, my bloodlines later on down the road. God willing they don’t all get into Pro Wrestling and at least one of them decides they like to read and hell maybe even write. And if not, at least I’ll have it all for my own records in 10-20 -50 years, whatever, I’m only 33, a lot can happen between now and death. And unlike that poor kid Bryan who drank himself to death in his twenties behind the same movie theatre my best friend Shane Oleander from my book had his heart attack in and later died from, I will God willing live a long and fruitful life, not marred by delusional thinking, but clear, concise, and when I die, people will be able to say, he lived most of his life honestly. Even if it was humiliating or emberressing, he was honest, and therefore able to work on those things that were skewed in his life.

Honesty is the ace, the trump card in this program, it makes all things possible. It is the first principle of the first step. Everyone I know who is dead from this disease from my Dad to the latest victim Bryan T. , whose family was so tired of his antics they weren’t even going to have a funeral but instead were just cremating the body, cause that’s how drunks die, ALL SHARED AN INABILITY TO BE HONEST. If you want to ever get sober, or HELL JUST NOT DIE, start being honest. Or prepare for the worst. You aren’t special, nobody escapes the inevitability of this disease, you will die, quick or slow, if you continue  being dishonest, lying, cheating, stealing, getting fucked up and giving the finger to the creator who has showed you a way out, that window will close.

If you are in the dark, I pray you find light. It’s never too late to come back to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

-Jared Bryan Smith

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.” – Mark Twain.

Posted: May 2, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
1

Mark Twain once wrote about a parade of soldiers, recruits mostly joining up to go fight the Mexican border wars after the Civil War, and it goes, “I have no urge to go kill men I’ve never met” but the difference of course is he never saw with his own eyes the evil perpetuated by the enemy, I believe in the case of Bin Laden, Twain would have been moved beyond pacifism, because he, cynic though he was, also appreciated and loved civilization, and hated violence in the name of God, slavery, and all other forms of man insanity. Western civilization has many flaws, but turning the dial back ten centuries would have appalled Twain even more which is what Bin Laden’s dream world looked like.

I walked ground zero about nine days after 9/11 and I remember the smoldering rubble, still smoking, piled higher than the buildings around still standing. I remember the photographs of the missing, the drawings of faces plastered all over the walls as you approached ground zero, but mostly I remember the people, still suffering, waiting, hoping against hope nine days later that somehow, their missing relative was still alive, that it was all somehow a terrible mistake. Denial is a powerful powerful emotion. Denial hits everyone on Earth in times of great distress, and 9/11 was no exception. I will never forget holding victims families, crying on my shoulder, having to tell them their family was dead. It felt cruel, but it was honest. They were dead, and they weren’t coming back. We in recovery are very familiar with denial, drugged out kookie ass looking people telling you all about their spiritual experience, claiming to know about sobriety, screaming to the world they know best, when their lives are clearly a wreck. Denial is ugly, and the humility it takes to get past it, is rare. What it really takes is a gut level honesty, and few find it. People will live a lie, nine days later, walking around, hoping against hope that their dead loved one didn’t die. It’s really a lack of acceptance. Stubborn selfishness… but it happens to a lot of us, in recovery and outside. Denial is a human trait.

Ten years later we got that motherfucker, with his son, with his wife, and killed them all. Good riddance. Rot in hell you backwards ass egomaniac murderer. Mark Twain didn’t see the towers fall. We did. Fuck Bin Laden and fuck all his followers, and anyone who kills innocent civilians in the name of whatever the fuck. Let it be a lesson, if you fuck with the United States, we will invade your country or your neighbors and hunt you down until we find you, kill you, and your family and dump your fucking body at sea. Thanks to all those sung and most especially those UNSUNG heroes that for security reasons, clearances, and mostly vows to their nation, can never speak about what it is they’ve done in the massive ten year effort to bring this son of a bitch to justice. There has been much blood, time and energy sacrificed that WILL NEVER HIT THE NEWS, and those men and women will never be able to whine about shit in a meeting, or to a shrink, they will just have to walk alone and carry their burdens between themselves, their God, and their superior officers. A prayer of thanks to everyone whose sacrificed in whatever way their nation asked them to, to get this piece of shit and remove him from the Earth.

If you are in denial about anything else in your life, be honest with those around you that love you, your family, your network, your sponsor, and ask them how they think you’re doing, and really listen to what they have to say, don’t just wait for a chance to speak. Listen… sometimes the truth hurts like hell, just before it sets you free.

To read more about my story of recovery from alcoholism, addiction, Hep C, and Interferon, including walking ground zero a couple of weeks after the 9/11 strikes, please read my book  4 free on:

http://www.books4free.com

or for kindle, nook, or ipad for only .99 cents on Smashwords:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/19066

and available in hardback from amazon:

-Jared Bryan Smith

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” – Oscar Wilde

Posted: April 28, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
0

Few people really do their own thinking. As Mark Twain said, the only original thought written down was either Adam or Eve. That being said, too much deferring of your thoughts, or living by other people’s opinions can be hugely detrimental to your life, and most especially if you’re in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It’s perplexing though, because in our program we get a sponsor. Or a teacher. They walk us through the big book. But all too often that isn’t who gives you most of your opinions. Generally it’s the person with whom you spend the most time, whether that is a lover, a friend or a sponsor, in early sobriety, you have got to remember, it is easier to be pulled down, than it is to pull someone up. Hell, I had to change sponsors my first week because I didn’t like being yelled at. Also, for me, the other warning signs were that he wouldn’t tell me who his higher power was. Call me superstitious but if you’re higher power is Lucifer, I don’t want to pray with you, and if you’re too ashamed to say it’s either God, Jesus or at the very least the Holy Spirit, then I clearly wasn’t working with the right person. But I stuck it out, stayed sober that week, and waited around till I got a hold of my current sponsor. He kept me relatively sober for the first few months of my sobriety and then I switched from him to a Buddhist, very laid back guy by the name of Pete, who had 18 years sober, but had drank on the way out of Katrina due to their being zero fresh water. Not sure if that story is true, he’s since died, but it sure sounded romantic.

My point is, we alcoholics are VERY VERY susceptible to the moods, serenity, and/or confusion and chaos of those around us. As the Bible says, “Iron sharpens Iron” and the opposite is true as well. “A fool returns to his folly like a dog to his vomit.” – Proverbs.  If you’re in sobriety and those around you are CLEARLY LYING, STEALING or any other OBVIOUS character defect is coming out, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM, they are poisonous and if at first it repels you, but then you find it ok, or justified, you are already on the slippery slope back out the door. Living a spiritual life is not an experiment, it’s not a luxury, it’s a mandatory way of life, and if someone you know is holding your hand, whispering sweet things in your ear, but quite obviously leading you down a shady road, get the fuck away from them. Living dishonestly is the path to ruin, it’s the soft subtle sell to a drink, and for us to drink is to die.

Pick your friends wisely, your lovers more wisely, your sponsor with care, and if people do consistently lie, cheat and steal, even just to other people, and not you, it doesn’t fucking matter, get the fuck away from them before their shit becomes your shit, and you end up right fucking back where you came from. Shaking, in pain, miserable, confused, with the obsession to drink and drug on you like it never left, and more so, if the obsession to drink and drug hasn’t left, after 6 months or so, look at your spiritual life. Generally it’s as obvious as the first principle of the first step. Are you being honest with everyone, including yourself and God?

If that question makes you feel uncomfortable, than get to work, getting rid of the bad in your life, and ask those that love you for help in doing so. You’ve never burned a bridge in AA, everybody is here to help you, but it’s for those who want the help not for those who need it. You merely need to ask. Ask those with ten plus years of solid sobriety, who work good and decent jobs, and always have a smile on their faces, “What am I doing wrong?” “How do I get to where you are?” “How do I become happy in AA?” It can be done, and it starts with being HONEST.

It is both good and bad that we morph into those we spend most of our time with. Look around you and ask yourself, are they positive bright people? If I had children would I want them to be around these people? Are they kind, passive, peace loving, God fearing? Would they turn the other cheek, could I leave a pile of money in the room and walk away without fear they would take it and run? Would they lie to me? Do they lie to me regularly? Do they lie to others regularly? These things sound basic, but all too often people become accustom to the worst of behavior patterns, and having suffered through them so long, begin to see them as normal.

Find good people to spend your time with, even if uncomfortable at first. Search your soul for truth and ask yourself and God the hard questions? Are the people I spend most of my time with good at heart, or are they bad for my soul, God please help me to see the truth in all things. If your aim is to seek truth, you will always be doing the will of God, and if you truly seek God’s will, I’ve always found he makes it easy for you to see the obvious.

-Jared Bryan Smith

Vacuum – JB Smith – April 19, 2011

Posted: April 19, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
0

Vacuum of loss,

A faithful sidearm.

But failure lingers,

Cries out in alarms.

Death beckons of finality,

Lost words irrelevant.

Like smoke, memories, reality,

Opportunity lost heaven-sent?

Regret but wasted thought,

Time flows relentless.

For every second, won and fought,

Your harshness purely groundless.

Amends for amends,

A downward spiral spins.

Eye for an eye makes the world blind,

So sever all that binds… and run.

Stop raging against the current,

Change things for different results.

Brush shoulders with all this torment.

– Jared Bryan Smith

Mozart’s “Cosi Fan Tutte” – All Women Are Like That

Posted: April 16, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
0

It was fitting that after a long day worrying over a woman, over yet another situation I have absolutely zero control of, a friend of mine called and offered me tickets to an Opera performance of Mozart’s “Cosi Fan Tutte” which translated means, “All women are like that”, I’m told but upon researching a little deeper that even that translation is off a bit, and actually it translates “Thus do they all”. One of the more memorable lines “by 15 a girl should know where the Devil hides his tail.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cos%C3%AC_fan_tutte

Mozart was 33 years old when it was released, and he died at 34 it seems. With over 600 works. I’m 33 and I have roughly 3. lol… but also cable television, and average lifespans are prolly 50+ year now, but I digress. It’s also fascinating to me that this seemingly innocent, portrayal of life, was banned in Vienna, played briefly in London in 1812 and then didn’t resurface until after World War 2. I guess calling women loose was risque even back then, lol. I love reading about human beings shunning their most genius, ridiculing their best, not understanding, being threatened by things that are new, and most usually attacking all that is really truly honest.

The truth cuts deep, and the quote “I write fiction so I can tell the truth” rings a bell when thinking this through. But basically Mozart shows how two fiances of two men are turned from love within 24 hours, to new lovers, and that even so, those two lovers should remain true and marry them anyway, because basically they are but human beings, which we all are, and that “All Women Are Like That.” They are easily swayed, but love and marry them anyway, because you know you love them no matter what, otherwise you wouldn’t be so hurt. I loved watching the dialog and the wisdom of these words written by a man my age, in 1790, and how true the ring to this day for me.

Mozart must have been cheated on, he must have lost a woman to another man in his life to have written such a piece of work. I bet that man ridiculed his body of work too, all 600 works of it, lol. Fuck em. Everybody’s a critic. I was recently, in anonymous hate mail a couple of months back, called a “whiney psychopath” and it cut to the bone. Again, like most obsessive alcoholics, I’m childish oversensitive and grandiose, so I took it… not well. It made me think of this blog, and the book, losing my parents, and sharing about all this pain, and whether or not it does all come off as whiney or psychopathic, and shit, it may, as a friend of mine says everyone is entitled to their opinion. But I guess for me, I’m trying to do something new here with my writing. I’m trying to be brutally honest, about my thoughts, about my obsessions, about my modern life in general, because I want it as an accurate history. All of us will be dead in 100 years, but with the Internet, its conceivable that this writing will still be here, and people may want to know what it was like to live as a recovered alcoholic, in 2011, or whenever, it’s worth being honest I believe.

I know that it bleeds of vulnerability, that it drips of weakness in places, or drowns you in the minutia of an obsessive, recovered alcoholic but FUCK, its my thoughts, its me, and were I to write it more strongly, or more proud, it would be a lie, it would be false, it would be the opposite of true. I may have come off as a whiney psycho path, but I don’t believe I could have written things any other way. The point is to chronicle the pain, to grow from these learning experiences. This journey of sobriety is a marathon not a sprint, and if I don’t learn from these experiences I’m bound to repeat them. Unfortunately I don’t live in a bubble or a vacuum, and most of my pain comes from interacting with other human beings, who may not appreciate being written about, or who may misunderstand what I’m saying. Mozart’s Opera was obviously misunderstood for hundreds of years, and I am no genius, just a recovering alcoholic trying to learn from his mistakes, of which their are many. I know in my heart though that I didn’t mean anyone any pain and that I’ve been truthful in all my dealings, and that is a huge step up from the old JB who would have manipulated, lied and angled to get his way. So though I’m still a work in progress, far from perfection, I know my heart is good, I mean well, and though the blog may be personal, even though written in anonymity, these events will pass quickly, as the personal complications are all temporary, whereas the lessons learned and derived when looked back over can be permanent and hopefully shared and become wisdom for more than just my selfish ass, or whomever else they affect right this second, they can last longer than the situation, hell eternal really, you never can tell. Mozart’s best stuff is only now being played on a regular basis, hundreds of years later, and nobody has a fucking clue who the original woman who motivated him or cursed him as it were ever really was. And also, hell, he was using his real name, lol, this freaking blog is anonymous!

So yeah, somehow these thoughts dominated my mind as I was watching the Opera last night, that I never intended on upsetting anyone with my writing, ever, but that no matter what, I must remain true, continue to write, and be honest, and just know in my heart that I mean well, that I am ultimately a good man, and that if it’s misinterpreted, or critiqued by people whom don’t like me for whatever reasons, all I can do is keep on keeping on, staying sober no matter what.

Mozart was a mason too, I found out, who knew? I bet he wishes he had the word “fuck” to throw around, that would have changed an Act or two I assure you. lol…

Sooo in closing; here’s another poem pulled from the wreckage of my now distant past:

Careless Self

Quit ripping my heart out,

     Stop feasting on my flesh.

Ignorant of the pain I doubt,

     Every twinge, or twitch or breath.

Strikes horror through my soul,

     Nervous system is nervous again,

Loving you takes a toll.

     The dank of folly, the essence of sin.

Lust, camouflaged duality,

     We’re not even kind to ourselves.

Separate motives, same reality.

     Truth unopened books on shelves.

– Jared Bryan Smith

Older Entries