Posts Tagged ‘NA Blog’

9/11/2011 – Remembering the chaos 10 years ago, in our nation and in my mind. Facing fear, sober and otherwise…

Posted: September 12, 2011 in Uncategorized
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September 11, 2001 is something I write about quite a bit in my book Hippopotamus Sea, and something I’ll not soon forget. I am a patriot and NYC is my most visited city in the world, outside of my home Atlanta, GA. I love NYC with a passion for all that it stands for, it’s arts, it’s diversity, its 24/7 commerce, it’s lights, its energy, its architecture. That a few mud hut dwelling piss ants were able to conduct a mission on it with as much luck as they did still baffles my mind.

In 2001 I had just started my first company. Fortune Staffing. I had placed an Auditor with Cox Enterprises and collected 17k within 3 weeks of hiring her, and I thought that I had arrived. Professionally, personally, everything. I’d been driven to start my own company out of frustration of working for someone else for so many years, watching them collect from my hard work, and I literally ripped a door off of my upstairs rooms hinges, created a desk out of it with a hammer nails and some 2 x 4s and I began making cold calls. I prayed, I begged clients and by my third week I had revenue. I’d started in August of 2001, and by the second week in September I’d collected and was feeling pretty amazing about my business skills at the ripe age of 23 or so.

I was also in love. The gorgeous 23 year old redhead model, who would that year be asked at my moms Christmas party if she was a Cheetah girl, was stunningly beautiful, and happened to live right down the street from me. It’s hard for me not to look back on this day with a bit of romantic nostalgia for my disease of addiction. I had woken up that day, made love to the redhead, smoked a bit of joint for a wake and bake, and was listening to the Regular Guys on 96 rock talk about a plane and then upon hearing that I turned on the news, just in time to see the second plane hit. And I knew instantly it was Bin Laden, who’d hit NYC years before and who we’d launched cruise missiles at in a knee jerk ineffective reaction years before. She drove to work and I drove to my house to tell my friend who was staying with me and we both sat up and watched the news for the next several days in a row if not weeks.

I’m sure I drank that night. I might have even done a bit of blow. I know I smoked weed. I hate to admit it but I let the fear in the media and the news consume me and I used it all as a reason to completely and 100% give up on my company. I look back on this and wonder how I could have let fear consume me as much as I did, but I did and I can not change the past. Instead of facing the realities of the economic slow down, I proceeded to stay as drunk and as high as I possibly could for as long as I could. I had divorced a year or two before and I guess my disease had been building up to a pinnacle. Unfortunately if you have the disease of alcoholism or drug addiction, you may go on for years, a somewhat functioning member of society, but eventually you will crack and go into a tail spin, and my 1st real tail spin as an adult coincided with 9/11 for sure.

I did a couple of good things before it all went to hell in a hand basket though. I took the red head to NYC when Giuliani asked for people to help by visiting NYC. Her mother mocked us as morbid, but I wanted to witness history. And we did. We witnessed families still in the streets crying, holding pictures of their dead relatives, asking if we’d seen them. We went to Hogs and Heffer’s and spoke to drunk fireman and iron workers, and commiserated and raged, and got wasted. We woke up feeling shitty and hung over and we saw soldiers in Time Square with automatic rifles, and at the airport, and we watched the news. We returned to Atlanta changed, sad, and filled with fear. We broke up. I drank it off.

Within six months I would close the doors on my business, have a serious cocaine habit, and be foreclosing on the first house I was so proud of buying at age 18. The economy would be about to recover, but I wasn’t. I was consumed by my disease. That was the beginning of the end for me. I was so fucking self-absorbed, I was mad at God for making 9.11 happen to me. As if the 3000 families of lost loved ones were not going through the same amount of pain as my self-centered ass was. But that’s an addict for you, not able to see the forest through the trees.

I’m almost 5 years sober now, and ten years removed from walking Ground Zero in 2001 while the rubble still smoldered, and the smell of fear covered NYC. I’m glad we got him. I am very grateful I am a changed man. Feelings are not things. Fear is man-made, and as a great man said and I’ve experienced first hand, “The only thing to fear is fear itself.” It’s so true for me. If I had just had faith, in myself, in our nation, in our overall economic prosperity I would still have that first business, but I let fear rule me and I let my disease take the wheel. It is what it is and I won’t make the same mistakes again, but I can’t help but regret it as I wake up still in a job search, considering my options in 2011, having been laid off 3 times in the last 3 years. Still, 9.11 was the vanguard of so many valuable lessons for me.

Not least of which was to cease fighting. For me, this has been so crucial. I simply can not allow myself to get so worked up and angry at people I’ve never met and have no control over. My anger after 9.11 led me to get in bar fights to no end, and  I assure you,  I beat up and got beat up by zero Taliban. But damn it if I didn’t pick a multitude of fights, stitches and all, fire off rounds into the air over in great dramatic bravado, and even get arrested for carrying a concealed weapon once all for the anger I held and the possibility I might be able to do something about a threat to our country. Very lofty thinking…that I make a difference. I made a difference to my arrest record. I still have a simple battery on my record from about a month after 9.11 and I’ve lost a few job opportunities to that bullshit. So there was that immediate anger, as we know in the program, much better left to be a luxury of more normal men, but also the political, conspiracy theories, or just watching the world and getting angry at say the conduct of our troops, or the deployment of our troops into different areas. The misuse of troops even. As if the greatest minds in the free world weren’t thinking this stuff through, they needed me to get angry, and sit at a bar and effectively bitch over it. I mean, what a colossal waste of time and energy.

In sobriety I’ve learned to really cease fighting everything and everybody, even politicians, generals and intelligence agencies, which have much more information than I do when making such critical decisions. I have to let go and let God, with my disease, but also on things like this that conjure so many emotions both good and bad, and just have faith, that God, who took us out of the fucking caves 50000 years ago, will somehow manage this crises, without the input of ole JB’s best counsel. I mean I know it’s hard to believe the CIA doesn’t need my advice, or the NSA doesn’t appreciate my strategic input given all my video games experience in Real Time Strategy WW2 ‘s, but apparently they do not. And more than that, even if they did, I would still have zero control over how things are going to turn out. On the macro, I am a grain of sand, and tear in the ocean, a pebble in the universe. I’m one of 300 million citizens, and one of 7 billion on Earth. Instead of thinking I have any amount of control at all, this has all been a lesson in humility, and in having faith. All I control is my attitude, and how I react to things. I am utterly powerless, except for in the micro, in my mind.

The United States economy is still kicking, however many trillions dollar less we may have collectively, but I would do well do keep the lessons, both personally and nationally as I face the decisions of starting a new company back up, joining the Army, or waiting for one of these offers to materialize. Number one, no matter how bad it looks, commerce and enterprise will continue. We may have 16 trillion in debt, over 40 million on food stamps, and more on SS and Unemployment, and if the government were to go broke, revolution would be a just a Rodney King episode away, but still, here we are, 10 years later still surviving. On the upside, I think even the Socialists have realized you can’t continue to print money. Uncle Sam’s bound to get things back in line in this next election, and face up to the dept we’ve amassed over the past 10 years expanding every branch of federal government and two wars. We still do have 110 million people in the country that are fully employed, and yes unemployment and underemployment are huge, we are still conducting business. We have to, commerce and enterprise are what made us great.

I have faith now, instead of living in fear. I  pray for God’s will instead of giving into panic, and he tells me to keep writing, keep staying sober, and keep facing challenges rather than run away. If shit does hit the fan collectively, well then, God will still be there. The same God that pulled together the events of the American Revolution and guided Christians through WW1 and WW2 will be around to look us all over here.

Everything is temporary and all I’ve got is today, so one day at a time brother. And don’t take yourself to damn seriously, there wasn’t much I could have done then, or now. I’m just not as important as I used to think I was, haha, THANK GOD!!

Jared Bryan Smith

Drunks and the Meanings of Dreams or Lack There Of…

Posted: September 10, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Great week for me. For weeks I’ve been praying for God’s guidance and direction in my job search, and I’d basically felt like I’d been beating my head against a brick wall for a few weeks, with dead ends, holding patterns, lost opportunities, and the oh so escapism fantasy I constantly return to… Afghanistan. Well one night this week, I don’t remember which now, I prayed intently, and slept well that evening and dreamed vividly for what seemed like the entire evening. The first dream, wasn’t the most profound to me, but it did have significance in that I dreamed i was about to take a drink and even in the dream decided, “Wait, it’s not the beer or the buzz, it’s that fucking obsession in the morning. So if you’re doing this to feel good, well in the morning that obsession back on, you’ll feel ten times worse, so your argument is pointless.” I heard that even in my dream and wasn’t able to drink even in my subconscious, or more miraculously didn’t want to drink, even in my dream. The next one I remembered was of a bunch of us middleschoolers from Crabapple Middle tearing it up on the football field at the Roswell Rec. I was quarterback and we were playing on the whole field, and Jay Houze was running down the field, and Steve Rose was trying to tackle me counting the Mississippi’s and low and behold I just decided to run for it and juked Stevie, ran the whole 100 yard outmaneuvered a few more and bam was in the end zone! In my dream I was barely panting, but hell even at 13 that run would have hurt.

So I was left the next morning to ponder the meaning of the dreams and as any alcoholic over analyzer will do, I thought and thought and thought about these and basically came up with what I am now using as guidance. You see I loved playing football growing up, absolutely loved getting bloody and running all over the place getting cut up and especially when after a long battle the occasional win. Unfortunately when I finally talked my mom into playing football at the Rec I absolutely fucking hated it. The dream, the romance and the reality just didn’t line up. The hours were hell, the pads were claustrophobic and the heat was just unbearable, and I remember wishing it would just all be over out there. I was the runt of the entire team, which didn’t matter as much in Stevie’s front yard, but when I was lined up against big ass Chad Crane, and we both knew I was going to get decked over and over and over again, helmet to helmet headaches no matter what moves or magic or even prayers, it just took all the romance right the fuck out of the game for me. Lol, I remember him knocking my ass over one time and I was just like, fuck this, I quit, and knew I’d never play football in pads again. The more I think about the Army the more I think that’s probably what I would end up like. Miserable. The romance of hunting Taliban in Afghanistan, just doesn’t match the reality of wearing Kevlar, and ten tons of equipment, a big ole oversized everything cause I’m all of 5’6″ and carrying around a big ole, hot metal gun in the 120 degree desert heat. Shit, an hour of that and I’d probably be shooting at donkeys, thinking they were Taliban. I’d probably trip over my own boots and blow my big toe off and have to write the stupidest combat blog ever known to man, lol. I have nothing but mad respect for our Armed Forces, I just think my romantic notion of what it will be like, and what its really like is probably way the fuck off.

The other thing I thought of was all the jobs I’ve lost over the past 3 years and how much better off I’d been if I’d just kept my damn company with all the contracts I had with Time Warner, Home Depot, Cox, I mean over 20 or so major accounts in the Atlanta area, and I thought I’d be better off working for other folks for a bit, when perhaps I really was better off running my own show the whole time. The fact that I choose not to throw to Jay, but instead ran the 100 yards, maybe means I’m ready to start my company back up, this time sober, from start to goal achievement. Sure we’re all worried about the potential government defaults and European credit crises, yes yes I see the trash piling up in the streets in Italy due to austerity measures and certainly I’m aware this is an unprecedented time in our history, but here I am third time in 3 years laid off, while giving it my best shot, and when I folded up shop, it was only for greener pastures. So with all that in mind, I come to find out that I actually made a placement at my former employer, which would coincidentally give me the ample funds to start my company back up.

This time though, in the recruiting world, instead of going with the name SeekAndEmploy, which was awesome mind you, albeit a bit juvenile, I think I’ll go a little more professional this go around with a name in mind i’ve kicked around for a bit.

It’s good to have options I suppose.

It’s also good to have savings while you consider ones options.

Both of which wouldn’t be a reality if I were still drinking. God is good, and there is a reason for all things under the sun, I need only listen and God’s guidance will point me in the direction I need to go. The difficulty usually lies in doing the right thing, right now as a friend would say. We shall see, but a much better end to the week than beginning.

-Jared Bryan Smith

Speaker Meeting – Alpharetta Group, Labour Day Weekend 2011

Posted: September 6, 2011 in Uncategorized
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It was an honor to be asked by Troy to speak at the Alpharetta Group and I accepted months ago and simply forgot that he’d even asked. When I spoke to him a couple of days ago I thought for sure it would be a breeze, no worries. But when I got there , a few small adjustments made a huge difference. The biggest thing was that it’s done at a freakin podium. I’d never done that before. I’ve always shared my story at 8111, well over the course of the last 4.5 years anyway, sitting down, relaxed, usually with someone even sitting next to you so you’re not entirely swamped with attention. But I’ve for damn sure never done it, standing at a podium the whole time, and when I saw that set up, man I have to admit it was a bit nerve-wracking.

The maelstrom of emotions was only added to when I saw the sponsor of a friend who hasn’t spoken to me in many moons, and as she sat down and looked over at me, I wondered what had happened. Again. She left moments afterwards, leaving me to create a myriad of reasons why, and wondering if I did owe another round of amends and to whom exactly. Who knows.

So the show must go on and I actually think I told my story better than I have at any other time in the past. I almost choked up twice, as always when I tell about my Dad killing himself, and then again when I talk about stealing my moms opiates, I don’t seem to be bulletproof to talking about those things as of yet, but it’s all good, I almost cried again when I talked about being finally relieved of the burden to drink and drug and what a miracle it really is. All in all it was one of my best stories ever.

I’m still on the job  hunt, still considering the Army, even though flight is totally out due to the heart murmur. I wish I knew if Infantry was still an option considering the Hep C, as someone mentioned to me they wouldn’t allow you on the frontlines, in case your bones might become Hep C infected shrapnel, but that seems pretty far-fetched. I guess there is only one way to find out.

Most people think I’m crazy to be 33 and considering the Army, but I run across men who understand. Talked to Allen last night, who was the first guy I’d spoken to about Hep C early on and who I’d thought was saying the phrase Hippopotamus Sea, and he’s in his sixties, selling cars now a days. Working 6 days a week 12 hour days, and he told me if he was young enough he would join the Army for sure. 20 years and you can retire. Full benefits, college paid for, health insurance. There is very little security in ANY industry out there, from cars to telecom, to technology, all the safe havens of careers are being shredded, and even the post office is looking at closing. And they haven’t even begun addressing budget issues. Of course, the military isn’t safe either, they could easily change the terms of pay at any given moment, but still, there is a relative safety and job security there…if you live. And furthermore, as a writer it would give me the details, experience, and depth of a real witness to history. I’ve been told I have a voice, and being positioned somewhere to really experience history, could give me the chance to really write and be heard. Of course going to war isn’t a prerequisite for a writer, but I guess it never hurts. Well so long as you survive that is.

It’s a lot to consider, and maybe even just purely romantic. They may say, you’re too damn old, with too many injuries. Guess I’ll have to fill out the paperwork to find out.

Headed To The Hurricane… Amelia Island, Family Vacation

Posted: August 25, 2011 in Uncategorized
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I used to not be invited on family vacations so I am grateful to be included, I just hope that Hurricane Irene stays off the coast of Georgia and we at least get a few days of sunshine.

It’s been a tough few days in my sobriety as I’ve dealt with being laid off for the 3rd time in 3 years, and it’s finally dawned on me that the reason I’d left my company, to join corporate America, was for job security. Oh the irony. I mean here I am looking at the last 3 layoffs where I’ve done relatively well, and in some cases better than most, and yet for one reason or another was let go, and lo and behold that premise of job security, no longer exists. So I’ve been brainstorming again about starting my old gig back up, corporate recruiting, or the headhunting game. Sure it’s a challenge with 9% unemployment, but hell, so is finding a job.

Had a few decent interviews this week but again, my redneck past always comes back to bite me in the ass. Bar fights and DUI’s however old, show up on background checks, even 10 years later, which incidentally is fucking bullshit, but whatever. The romantic notion of joining the Army too has lost a bit of luster, though I found I can join with my heart murmur, I can not do the job I really wanted to do which is Helicopter Pilot, so in essence, I could be a bullet stopper to I earn a security clearance to do something more exciting like Intelligence Analyst or even Medical route, eventually shooting for Doctor, but again, it’s a long hard road, and I’m not as sure about that as I was the idea of flying into hot lz’s… still the idea of carrying a gun and getting to fire it and getting paid for it, all while earning a tuition to college does appeal… I mean especially if economy takes another downward spiral. Especially, especially if that spiral quickens and the country’s problems go off a cliff, the Army is a safe place to stay employed, and i mean it’s still 20 years and a pension. It’s a lot to consider.

No matter what though, as always, I’ve found I’ve had my program to fall back on and guide me through the murky waters of indecision and the occasional thoughts of self-pity I’ve experienced while going through this transition. It’s crazy really, I never had these employment issues while drinking and drugging and I used to SMOKE ICE IN THE PARKING GARAGE WHILE WEARING A SUIT AND TIE! Haha, I mean fuck. I really thought my career would be the last of my worries in sobriety, and yet here I am. Still, I’d take this job insecurity over that monkey on my back any day of the week. And like yesterday, when I went to a meeting, listening to Paul, battling cancer, and homelessness, a man who was told he had weeks to live over 4 years ago, I don’t have that much to complain about. My self-pity is just pure selfishness. I have a perfectly healthy body, and my life has gotten better and better. Sure I don’t have the love of my life, or the career of my dreams or even a living situation that I’m comfortable with, but it sure as fuck beats what I came in the program with and all 12 committee voices in my head would have agreed.

So I’ll just keep on keeping on. Go to the beach and hope the hurricane stays offshore and pray that God guides me to the career in which I can serve him most usefully, whatever that may be. I also pray that all those I’ve met in the last 4 years or so who’ve gone back out, somehow make it back and survive the chaos and destruction of that terrible cycle. There have been so many good people over the years, and no matter what has happened, I hope they all make it back healthy and without too much more damage. Met a really cool guy who works in the movie industry in the last couple of weeks, and then as happens in our program, he just seems to have disappeared, and it really blows. So many talented people struggle with this beast, but I just have to remember, I didn’t get it my first time either.

The same God that got me sober is watching over us all, so I pray they all make it back. With God all things are possible! Wish me luck fishing during a hurricane!

-Jared Bryan Smith

Laid Off… That sounds so much better than it really is.

Posted: August 19, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Getting laid, or jerking off, now that sounds at least moderately enjoyable… but being laid off, just blows. In sobriety I’ve now been laid off three times in less than 3 years. This never happened to me when I was out there drinking and drugging. Now mind you there are some details I’m leaving out. Sure, sure, I was told I am actually free to continue to work, but commission only. I don’t think my car payment or ex wife will accept such terms however, and therefore I’ve been looking for work all week long. I’m fortunate in that I do have a good solid ten years of recruiting experience under my belt and I’ve had a few nibbles.

I tell you also, the romantic notion of becoming a soldier continues to haunt my conscience. I have always romanticized the horrors of war. I have studied history, read dozens of books, and know academically how horrendous, monotonous, boring and terrifying war can be. I know the stats of double and triple amputees coming out of Afghanistan, especially those of Infantry, where I imagine myself going, and I know that this time last year we’d seen an increase of IED’s up to about 1000 and that this year that number is already at 1800 or almost double. It also seems they have something more potent taking helicopters out of the sky though nobody is about to admit that publicly. I know all these facts like the back of my hand, and yet I can’t escape the notion that I would love to serve, and to fight. I would love to fly helicopters into battle ultimately.

My record is such, bar fights and dui’s etc, that I don’t qualify for Security Clearance to be a medic or a pilot though, so the recruiter tells me I need a good year of good behavior to earn security clearance and then apply for Helicopter Pilot School. And my brain tells me no, but heart tells me yes. I pray for guidance, and I hear no voices, but when I think of the adventure while sitting in church, it’s like  thinking of the woman who slipped away, my heart pounds, adrenaline flows and chills radiate out from my spine through my bloodstream. I love the idea of it all. The journey.

Andrew Jackson once said “I was born in a storm, and a calm does not suit me.”

I know how he feels. I’m having a hard time getting motivated by mere corporate survival and sales goals as of late. Though I know the math is terrible, the odds dismal my age a huge obstacle, I can’t stop thinking I might be happier if I just followed my heart every once in a while instead of listening to my fact filled brain. I will continue to pray about I suppose.

I go back to Hemingway at war, and though I know I’m no Hemingway, you just can’t deny it would give a powerful subject to a voice I now have a lot of faith in. Also with 5k friends under my real name and about 2k friends under Jared Bryan Smith on facebook I could blog and post videos and picture from the war zone that would be mind blowing. Again, food for thought, just some of the things a grandiose alcoholic considers when his career gets sidelined yet again. We shall see.

-Jared Bryan Smith

 

Crazy weird dreams last night…

Posted: August 6, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Then I wake up to the second time in a week where I’ve had an email in my inbox stating “We need to chat.” So last time it turned out to be a very positive thing for the marketing company I work for but this  one was regarding the book, and damn it if I don’t get nervous as hell when someone leaves something like that. Just seems so ominous. “We need to chat” Sounds like a woman getting ready to give you bad news or something, which i why I haven’t had a woman all year, I’m tired of bad news, haha..

Man those dreams were kicking too. After a very long week, I decided not to do anything at all Friday  night but just relax at home and I ended up falling asleep around 11 or so. Had several days in a row of good workouts, I really can’t under emphasize the importance of exercise in sobriety. I’ve noticed I  even began getting depressed if I don’t work out over a few days in a row. The human body was meant to exercise, for 50k years or whatever we had to to eat, and only in the past 100 or so has man been able to provide a living and be stationary, never moving a muscle. Our brain chemistry requires those endorphins in the blood, and I only wish I’d begun adding exercise to my sobriety earlier, because damn if it doesn’t make me much more happier overall… but I digress, so yeah, I crashed hard and slept deep and came up with some very strange dreams.

In my dreams my baby sister, invited me to one of her hot 24 year old friends engagement party or something, and I showed up a little too early. I am not that great at new social situations and I found myself self conscious that my pants were too loose and that someone would see my ass crack. So I drifted away from the party into a laundry room, and in the room, there were several items of clothing scattered around the room, and one of them was a slim narrow chicks belt. That wasn’t going to work, but then I saw some shoe laces. I knelt down to get the shoelaces and in that instant, the pretty 24 year old blonde who was to be married, slid into the room. I stood up surprised and embaressed and in another split second another person came in, this was a guy though, of medium frame, with intelligent frantic looking eyes. Cool and collected he seemed, but egotistical with an aire of superiority, no amount of humility could shake from him. He began mocking the girl who was in tears, and she kept saying, you have to leave , you have to go, and he mocked and taunted her, called her stupid, said he was going that he just wanted to come by and say goodbye. So I stepped up closer, and suddenly as only happens in dreams the shoelaces had become a wire coil, like that you would expect to see exiting a washer/dryer or over, and I was stripping it down, listening to the two of theirs drama. They seemed not to notice me after all, I really did not know either of them very well, but had a loyalty to the girl since it was my sisters friend. I began to tense, if things did get ugly, I knew I could take this guy, but I hoped it wouldn’t come to that. God knows I didn’t need any charges 4.5 years sober. He was blackmailing her, he was threatening to make a scene if she didn’t let him stay, and instead of being forceful the poor girl was begging and pleading, she was in love, but she didn’t want her new beau to know about her damaged psycho ex past. He was smiling, threatening her, causing her pain, and she was in tears. I was unraveling the coil that I had originally picked up as shoelaces, which made me think of juvenile prison, where they took your laces to prevent suicide. I had removed several layers of wires by now and I had the core to make a belt, but now I also had a canister of air, seemingly a by product of disentangling the wires, and damn if it didn’t look just like an incideniary grenade suddenly. As their arguing reached a crescendo, I pulled the pin, and they both stopped to look at me, while we waited for the detonation. I dropped it in the middle of us, and the guy walked outside of the room we were in, a smug superior smirk on his face. He began walking up to the crowd of people near the center of the house, making exagarrated movements, trying to draw attention to himself and thus emberass the girl. I looked at the girl in tears, worry etched all over her face. I kicked the dud of a grenade to the side, and I went to go talk to the guy, ask him to leave, escort him to the door. He was now messing with a baby in a carriage, in my dream, literally stealing baby from a candy. And then I thought, wait a minute, who gave candy to that baby anyway. Baby’s can’t eat candy, and right when I put my arm on the guys arm to walk him out, I woke up. I have an overactive imagination.

Then I go to my computer and I have a message from a publisher that says “Jared, we need to chat.” It’s gonna be a long day, especially since he’s in a different time zone. Grrrr.

-Jared Bryan Smith

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

Posted: June 29, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Woke up feeling refreshed and recharged, better than I have in several days. Probably because I worked out a small feud with someone whom I really never had anything against to begin with, but whom I did repeat a nasty rumor I’d heard, thus inciting a grudge that lasted way longer than it should have, and had farther reaching ramifications than I could have ever imagined. We made amends to each other and damn if I don’t feel 10 times better for it for my part.

Reminded me of a christian value that I wish I had followed earlier, because it really did bring an instant peace and calm into my life as soon as we were done talking.

Matthew 18:15 “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.”

Pretty moving stuff… and just a few sentences later:

Matthew 18:19 “I tell you that if two of you on Earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in Heaven. for where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them.”

Well that parable to me, sums up the magic of an AA meeting perfectly. For years I would try to get sober all by myself and never get more than 2 weeks, tops, and then my very first half ass try into AA, where two or more people are trying to accomplish the same goal, and lo and behold I was able to stay sober for a month… and that was without getting a sponsor or working any steps… The forgiveness thing, for me anyway, is more in the Masters / Phd realm of AA, as my anger, once up is really hard to get back down… but I don’t have to think my way into right action, I have to act my way into right thinking, and the act of forgiveness, humility and an open conversation with my brother in sobriety, brought about the forgiveness I wouldn’t have thought possible.

And even if you must discount the religious mumbo jumbo, I found science to back the claims as well, the positive affects of forgiveness transcend even religion, and stab deep into the heart of science as well.

“Dr. Robert Enright from the University of Wisconsin–Madison founded the International Forgiveness Institute and is considered the initiator of forgiveness studies. He developed a 20-Step Process Model of Forgiveness.[4] Recent work has focused on what kind of person is more likely to be forgiving. A longitudinal study showed that people who were generally more neurotic, angry and hostile in life were less likely to forgive another person even after a long time had passed. Specifically, these people were more likely to still avoid their transgressor and want to enact revenge upon them two and a half years after the transgression.[5]

Studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments.[6] The first study to look at how forgiveness improves physical health discovered that when people think about forgiving an offender it leads to improved functioning in their cardiovascular and nervous systems.[7] Another study at the University of Wisconsin found the more forgiving people were, the less they suffered from a wide range of illnesses. The less forgiving people reported a greater number of health problems.” 

I am glad it is behind me, once and for all, I truly wish my brother in arms, traveler on Earth with the same disease of addiction as me, the best sobriety has to offer.

Jared Bryan Smith

“Flight of the seabirds, scattered like lost words Wheel to the storm and fly Fare thee well now Let your life proceed by its own design.”

Posted: June 25, 2011 in Uncategorized
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“Nothing to tell now
Let the words be yours, I’m done with mine”

By John Perry Barlow with Bob Weir
Recorded on Ace (Warner Brothers, 1972)
Cora, Wyoming February, 1972

I go months and months without thinking about certain things, including the grateful dead, and then in a wave and a rush, I’ll remember how much I love the music and how much the words can mean to me.

When I wrote the Robert Hunter quote from the song yesterday, it brought back all the thoughts of my divorce, losing my son as a full time father, and the loss of so many loves throughout the last 15 years. Today I woke up with Cassidy running through my mind. God those words are beautiful, so fucking poetic, just humming them brings back such memories. For me, this song brings back my mama’s passing, and the eternity of all life. The hawk I saw circling our limo as we drove to her funeral. Good music can be so personal, it can mean so many things.

Being a christian I believe death is only another passing moment. We will all get there, how we lived, who we helped, who we treated well, who we forgave, is all there is. If christianity didn’t exist we should invent it as the best way of living. I have reawakened to my faith in the last year or so and it’s amazing what I find reading through the pages of the new testament.

How much of the book is there, that we simply do not do? Fasting for instance. In all my life I’ve never known a christian that fasted. It’s prominent, it’s there, it’s in the words and yet I’ve never ever heard the first sermon on it. Also forgiveness. Real forgiveness. Turning the other cheek when someone maliciously, childishly attacks you. I know so many christian values that are spoken about, but barely ever practiced. I guess because it is hard to do.

But for me, in sobriety ever year I learn a little more spiritually and learn that the things I learn are generally good for me. Obedience to God and to spiritual principles that he continually shows me almost always has it’s own inherent rewards. Usually first though, it’s hard as hell to begin a new behavior.

Taking a year off of dating, which was suggested by minister Andy Stanley for a year, long after my sponsor had suggested it for several years, is finally starting to sound like it might have some actual validity. I’ve made nothing but messes of every single relationship I’ve ever been in in my entire life. As the 12 and 12 states and I was moved by the very first time I ever read:

“The primary fact that we fail to recognize  is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. (THIS IS THE BEST PART) Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to your own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap or to hide underneath it. The is self centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.”

page 53 – The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Wow, what precision. How can they have mapped us out so effectively?

I guess the only fix is the 12 steps, time and layers of the onion.

-Jared Bryan Smith

 

 

“You told me goodbye, How was I to know, You didn’t mean goodbye, You meant please don’t let me go.” – Robert Hunter (Grateful Dead)

Posted: June 24, 2011 in Uncategorized
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Woke up thinking about work again, it’s been an amazing few months with our software going into almost every major nightclub and dozens of great restaurants throughout Atlanta, and I’ve hired three sales folks, and I’m just amped still. We release on iphone very soon, and the anticipation to see how everything all works is palpable.

Staying busy has kept me emotionally stronger than I think I would have otherwise been with all the damn goodbyes this year. Starting with the one at the beginning of the  year that still stings most prominently no matter how much i wish it didn’t, it’s like my professional life had to make a trade with my personal life or something.

I still feel good sobriety wise though. Had an ear infection in the beginning of the week and my hearing is only about 50% of what it usually is, but it finally seems like its getting better. That’s always scary in sobriety, in our heads its never just an ear infection, I was positive I was going deaf. But 100 bucks for a drs appt and some antibiotics and it seems to be going back to normal.

Visited my sister for her birthday and got to hold the new baby, and she is gorgeous. They are so happy with their perfect little family. I remember those days, when my now 15 year old son was first born, every breath is magic, and they smell so good. My son still smells sweet to me. My cousin has two kids as well and me and the older one, who is 3, played angry birds and ant smashers on my phone until he killed the battery. There was a hyper dog running around as well. How is it the people who already have 2 kids, working on three, also have a hyper dog running around, and just don’t even seem annoyed by any of it? I guess when you’re happy those things don’t irritate you, and they are all very happy in their new families.

I guess I’m just lonely, but hey thats the brakes, nobody ever promised me anything in sobriety except for work, and a daily reprieve. I didn’t wake up with an obsession to drink and drug and somedays that is all the victory you’re going to get.

Still no word on the addicted project interview but I’m definitely looking forward to seeing that in print.

Tomorrow evening, 8 pm, telling my story at the 8111 clubhouse for those in the know! Hope to see you there!

– Jared Bryan Smith

Heart Warming Review of Hippopotamus Sea: My Viral Sobriety

Posted: June 16, 2011 in Uncategorized
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As most alcoholics, I am often childish, oversensitive, and grandiose.

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if writing this book was even a good idea, and I constantly worry about the harm I’ve done in being so brutally honest about my life, and especially in my sobriety, but ultimately I always come back to if I’m honest,  I have nothing to fear. Even with that knowledge, I am often saddened by the misunderstandings I may have inadvertently caused, or complications my gut level honesty may have arisen. A friend of mine has a bumper sticker that reads “First do no harm.” Which is the beginning of the Hippocratic Oath, which Doctors take, but I take it personally almost every time I read it. I really never intended on ever hurting anyone, especially anyone I loved. But a lot of unexpected, uncharted things happen when you write a book, or when you write in general. It is not for the faint of heart. You open up a vein and bleed into a keyboard, then wait as everyone dissects and examines the blood telling you just what’s wrong with it all, just what blood borne diseases your carrying around and how it affects them somehow, who choose to read it. It is often times more pain that I would have imagined it would be. I’m not good at criticism, constructive or otherwise.

Occasionally I get a note that makes it all worth while though. A week or so  ago I heard from a friend that had cleared Hepatitis C as an early responder, and that was definitely one of those days. He had read my book, and so that was definitely uplifting, but this review that a perfect stranger left on the blog wall yesterday, is absolutely the best one I’ve received in a long time.

“I have read three books on recovery in the last 2 months. The other 2 by well known authors.

YOUR BOOK spoke to me.. The other 2 seemed like a lot of dribble.

After all their words maybe, just maybe… in the very end did they say anything  to me.

YOUR book touched my mind and my soul   from the very first sentence..

Thank you and please keep writing !! Your amazing.

cc golem ”

Thanks so much CC! I really do appreciate it. For all I’ve lost in writing this book, knowing that a few people have been moved by the story is enough to solidify leaving the book up.

In the process of self publishing I’ve learned a lot about the mechanics of the publishing industry. I am tormented by the thought of taking it all down and just walking away from it all. I think I am probably not the first writer to have these thoughts. I wonder if it’s a good idea for me to control the entire process. I know there are parts of the process that could be handled better by others. For instance, I feel bad pimping my own pain. Having a literary agent would help with that. I feel terrible publicizing the book title on my own in different forums, and after just a few negative comments from overposting, I stopped all together. Then I get bitter at the lack of commercial success, and wonder how many women I’ve known just in the last year who’ve been pushed away by the content or their misunderstanding of what it means to be cured of Hep C, and I wonder, should I just take it all down?

And then I get a decent review, and I remember, that I didn’t write it for glory, or vanity, but to help other struggling alcoholics, or better yet, specifically people facing the daunting challenged of Hepatitis C. There are more options than 4 years ago when I went through it, the pain and duration of Interferon has been cut in half using Telaprevir or Boceprevir Telaprevir, but of course as the pharmaceutical industry is apt to do, since it’s half the time, it’s twice the cost, and most of us suffering from Hepatitis C, weren’t exactly on the tail end of financial windfalls, so the odds can still seem insurmountable, I’m sure. But at every corner in my journey of sobriety, God was there, every step of the way, I knew what the right thing to do was, and I was rewarded every time I took the next right step. Today, at 4.5 years sober the next right thing is just leaving the book and the blog up, regardless of personal pain or loneliness it may cause.

The occasional reader finds inspiration and that must be why God so compelled me to write it.

Thanks again CC, I appreciate the kind words more than you know. Please do me a huge favor and leave the reviews on Smashwords as well, which the link can be found under the picture of the book. I have a ton of good ones on Amazon but Smashwords is a bit bare for reviews. Thanks again so much!

– Jared Bryan Smith

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