JB Smiths Blog – Author @ books4free.com

Just like with alcohol, just like with drugs, just like with nicotine, destructive one sided relationships are just a bad habit I absolutely must rid myself of to be truly free. My mind tells me I can’t be happy without it, just like it lied to me about drinking, drugs, and cigarettes, but the truth is that once I break the same sad cycle I will be free of it… so long as I don’t pick up again. Seriously, since July of 2010 we have been on again off again roughly ten or so times. Why would I possibly expect that to change? I have to simply move on, break that spell, that trance, because it’s a lie, it’s a lie my fucked up heart tells my brain and the reality is, you will continue to get what you get unless something drastic changes.

Whether that change be, from her end or your end, it’s still unlikely to produce the desired results of a stable relationship. It’s like saying, well if I just switch to Michelob instead of Budweiser I won’t get black out drunk, despite all evidence to the contrary! Nothing is going to change the fact, that we get together, and tops within two fucking weeks, she starts to fade away, while my love starts to grow. I just can’t deal with losing her again and again and again like this, it’s too fucking painful. And then of course, the worst part, she’s at every meeting I go to almost. I, for the last six months have completely changed meetings, mostly to give her space and let her grow up in the program unfettered, but also because it’s easier for me, because when I see her my heart skips a beat, and pounds until late at night and I have a hard time getting to bed, even if I’ve worked out for hours. It’s just miserable.

It is better to cut this cord now, which was really done two weeks ago, then continue on hoping against hope that she’ll come to her senses, cut off the toxic people in her life, and get some fucking boundaries. Seriously, it just isn’t my problem anymore. Yes I do love her and I will miss her, but just like drinking, drugging and smoking, this bad habit, once kicked, will free me in more ways than one.

And next time, when oldtimers say “Stay away from newcomers” I will know exactly what they fucking mean. They are seriously more trouble than they are worth. I did this to myself, and the only solution, is to stay strong myself, and no matter what, no matter how good she looks or smells or how pretty she smiles, just know it’s just like a bag a dope, fun for a minute, and fucking miserable for months. I must stay strong and this too shall pass. Don’t pick up, no matter what!!!!!!!

-JB Smith