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This has been a strange week for me. I thought something hadn’t affected as deeply as it really had, and seeing a few images brought it all back to light, and made me sad. To this day I just don’t understand how women dismiss chemistry so easily, as if it’s just something that the next gust of wind will bring along. For me it is rare and it just seems so simply disregarded by women sometimes, it makes me wonder if we even feel things the same way. Regardless, some weeks in sobriety, all you can do is just stay sober and your mission is accomplished. A day above ground, a day building or at the very least not destroying is better than the life of the past where every moment is slow suicide, and fortunately, though love continues to be a barren desert wasteland for me, opening the bible I continually find wisdom and sage advice over 6000 years young  that still hits home.

This passage is striking to me because it’s one of those moments in time that mean more to you once you’ve experienced it first hand. If you’ve not detoxed from alcohol and drugs you’ve not experienced what this Proverb is discussing, but man if you’ve felt it, you know it’s the truth and the fact that its in the bible and that old is striking.

Proverbs 23:29 (NIV)

Who has woe? Who has sorrow?

    Who has strife? Who has complaints?

     Who has needless bruises? Who had bloodshot eyes?

Those who linger over wine,

     who go to sample bowls of mixed wine.

Do not gaze at wine when it is red,

     when it sparkles in the cup,

     when it goes down smoothly!

In the end it bites like a snake

     and poisons like a viper.

Your eyes will see strange sights

     and your mind imagine confusing things.

You will be like one sleeping on the high seas,

     lying on top of the rigging.

“They hit me,” you will say, “but I’m not hurt!

     They beat me, but I don’t feel it!

When will I wake up,

     so I can find another drink?”

WHEEEEWWW boy, that hits home. Man I pray you don’t relate too closely to those words, because let me tell you something, if your mind is imagining as confusing things as my mind was imagining in the end days of my drinking, you are fucked in the head, lol. And that quote about getting hit and never getting hurt, that’s like jumping off a bridge and not getting a scratch, or wrecking a car going 120 mph down 75, or any number of fights and scenarios I was in in which I just didn’t or couldn’t get hurt, though I wanted to die. In that Nicolas Cage movie “Lord of War” he refers to it as the curse of invincibility and I talk about it in my book some. It’s hell, because you’re miserable and want to die, but somehow you just keep getting lucky, punched and not feeling the pain, dreaming of a drink, while you lay sleeping. When can I wake up and find another drink? That’s not a monkey on your back, thats a fucking guerilla. That obsession had been lifted in me and that my friends is proof to me that there is a God. My dad blew his head off with a .357, clean off, because he believed the obsession to drink and drug was never going to be lifted, that there was no cure, that RECOVERY didn’t exist.

I’m 4.5 years sober and I promise you it does, you can get the monkey off your back, go to meetings, do 90 in 90, get a competent sponsor and begin building in your life instead of destroying. If you think you’re only hurting yourself you fail to realize that every day you don’t use your God given gifts is a day you didn’t live up to your purpose, we’re not here to selfishly serve ourselves, so get busy living or get busy dying. Make some meetings and share your experience strength and hope. God is good.

Check out the book at the link below and its on smashwords for kindle nook and the link via the links on the blog for .99 cents, so go check  it out and please like Hippopotamus Sea on facebook! Thanks so much!

-JB Smith

‎…and the atoms in your right hand are from different stars than the atoms in your left hand, different galaxies throughout your entire body even. Einstein said “Time only exists so everything doesn’t happen all at once.” Haha…awesome.

There is quite obviously to me, an underlying force in the universe today, and always, bigger than I could have ever imagined. So get busy living or get busy dying. The magical mysteries of this world are fucking amazing. Coincidence upon coincidence, fate bumps into serendipity and my life, in sobriety, just gets better and better every fucking day.

A couple of weekends ago I took my son up to Chattanooga to go fishing with my brother, his uncle. My brother and I got to talking about women, and he’s dating a 21 year old blond dutch women whose smoking hot, and he says to me, “And Bryan, guess what it is we have in common.” I look at him and without flinching and say “Both your fathers killed themselves.” He said, “How the hell did you know that?” I have no fucking idea. From our Big Book, … “for nature and God alike abhor suicide.” Drinking and drugging it slowly to death or the one drastic action all at once, nature and God alike abhor it. Maybe my spirit just knew it was that terrible of an act from the tone of voice he used, maybe God gave me the forewarning thought. Perhaps, string theory really exists and our thoughts are all connected on strands of physical wavelengths we just haven’t proven yet and as someone near me has a thought we all share it. Maybe therein lies the strength of the program, that my thoughts of not drinking plus your thoughts of not drinking, plus the string attaching us, or the bond connecting us make us stronger, hell maybe the bond, is all the REAL strength their really is. And so 1 + 1 = 3 . God knows I couldn’t quit on my own, and God knows it was a breeze once I finally surrendered and did what I was told, made 90 in 90, got a sponsor and did the work. I don’t know what makes that telepathic magic. What makes ESP happen from time to time, or hell even what makes me yawn after someone near me does, even if I don’t see them do  it. But it happens and because it happens, even now in my sober life, at 4.4 years sober I’m just as big a faithful believer in magic as I was when I came in. Later that day, a few weeks back, it was the biggest full moon in something like 18 years. I was cooking steaks for my brother and son who were inside my brothers house watching television and I remembered about the moon. Instinctively I knew I wanted to look up and see the moon, but it was too early for it to come up, but still I found myself staring at exactly the spot on the horizon in which the moon would rise in just an hour or so, despite ever having seen a moonrise or a sunrise from Chattanooga, and most especially from his property. How could I have known where the moon was going to rise? I don’t know but I did. This is a world of magic, God’s wonders aren’t a tenth explained, and I’m so grateful to be a part of it all. God is good, and I’m alive to enjoy all this magic, simple as it may seem, that gratitude has kept me on a high for weeks, and it ain’t no pink cloud, it’s just the realization that the same amazing miraculous God who removed the urge to drink and drug from me, and then cured me of Hepatitis C, and then just as easily removed the urge to smoke cigarettes, polluting the most come involuntary human reflex we have, that of breathing, that same God, is in me, and I’m a part of, and he loves me, and through him ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I mean, this may sound over the top, but this realization as of late, having had the latest obsession, the latest lust cloud my mind for so long, and finally exhaled out, has been huge. This world, indeed this universe, and everything in it, including myself is nothing short of a miracle, and God’s will is good, and I’m so thankful that I continue to grow.

In the rooms of AA we hear people whine about complacency, about the “pink cloud” or how hard it is at 9 months I remember being the first major roadblock people groaned of. Then two years, then 4, then 5 and 6, and you hear people bitch about the difficulties of reaching 10 years, and man, the more I’m in the rooms the more I realize, MOST OF THESE PEOPLE ARE NEGATIVE THINKING NUTCASES. For me, and not just me, but for a select few people I know, the program gets EASIER AND EASIER. My life continues to get better and better. Sure there are speed bumps and challenges, getting over this last woman and dealing with letting go is a perfect example, but once again, inevitably, pain is the touchstone to growth, and I feel better, more complete, more free than I did before I went through the entire process with her or the last one. I just keep learning, and I just keep becoming more and more complete, more and more confident in God’s will for me, less and less concerned with my little plans and designs, and just overwhelmingly trusting in the process, and the fact that God’s ultimate will has my best interests at heart. That he could very well end me up on a beach surfing somewhere, occasionally teaching the word of God, or leading meetings or something just amazing, and better than I could ever have planned, and maybe that doesn’t even involve a woman, and if not, so be it. In the course of my history women haven’t brought me a whole lot of serenity, and it’s kind of nice and freeing to not have and more importantly, finally, not need one around. It’s almost like quitting smoking or drinking, lol. And maybe one day the right one will come along, and I’m open to that, but in the meantime, the fact that my life in Alcoholics Anonymous continues to get better and better, reminds me that all the nay sayers and whiney bitches in AA that barely ever make meetings then come in and dump their shit on everyone that it’s sooooo hard now the pink cloud is gone, just aren’t growing spiritually. They probably never got off their fucking meds. They probably never worked any steps, they have probably never made an amends, never grown, never done a consistent 10 step every night for years on end. This program of AA is a fucking non stop miracle, and my life continues to get better and better. There is one guy who taught me that the “Pink Cloud” doesn’t have to end, a Christian man and I still look up to him and am grateful that for all the average spirituality going around in the rooms, there are still men who almost tear up in joy every time they share, grateful as I am to be alive, to not be craving a drink or a drug anymore, and to know that God is incredible, awesome, and now, fully, on our side, and entirely capable of miracles.

I believe this is probably the case of the modern marriage as well. That the Pink Cloud never has to end. Neither does the honeymoon. I don’t know this, I drove my marriage into the ground and I haven’t had a real relationship last longer than a month in sobriety, so admittedly it’s sheer speculation, but just as the whiney negative bitches in AA override the majority and put the fear that the latter years in recovery are a struggle, so too I bet are the voices of married couples, focused on the negative, grass is always greener in someone else’s yard defeatist majority out there. Who can blame them, with the Judeo Christian ideals of marriage, God and commitment constantly mocked, with lust used to sell everything from Swiffer picker uppers to deodorant none of us really need, there is enough temptation and media to make the most beautiful couples feel complacent and ordinary. I’d bet though, just like with the program of AA, that I have to work every day to stay in the middle of the bed with, but when I do pays off with results and dividends like I’ve never experienced before in my entire life, a constant endorphin buzz, I bet a real relationship, a real marriage and honeymoon can be the same. With a little work, gratitude, and appreciation can be the essence of magic, can be the elixer of heaven, that a real Godly relationship can be the most awesome expression of God and of love here on Earth that you have ever experienced and that it can stay fresh, and new and grateful, and that with that kind of Godly love, that kind of appreciation of each other and of your creator, you can accomplish any of the tasks or goals God puts before you. I was never so motivated in my life as when I was 18, married, with a new son and a goal to buy us a house and by God, I became the number one salesman of a billion dollar corporation so I know what power God can give you through  the magic of love, through the motivation of his gifts, but I simply didn’t have a clue as to the source or the magnitude of that power early on in my life. I bet now, sober, ten plus years later I  would grasp it, hold on to it, and never let go. And I bet, just like the pink cloud, the honeymoon would never end, and I would love my wife, and serve God until my dying day, and despite whatever speed bumps we might come across I would know to be grateful, and that like everything else, they were just a part of the journey, and that God never put anything before me he didn’t also match in strength for me to overcome. God is good, and I’m simply grateful to be exactly where I’m at, more appreciative that I’ve ever been and ready for the next leg of the journey. As an addict  I was always sinking, but sober,  complete and whole, every experience teaches me something, and I grow more and more complete with each challenge. So then, even the most arduous bullshit, is a blessing in the long run, which actually makes all of life exciting, even the shitty parts!

Thanks for reading this blog post, and for more on my life, my journey through recovery, alcoholism, cocaine, opiate and pharmaceutical addictions as well as my overcoming Hepatitis C, Interferon and sheer madness and insanity here in sprawling suburbs of Atlanta, please read my book 100% free at http://www.books4free.com, on smashwords, or of course on Amazon! Please also leave a review and thanks again for your support!

-Jared Bryan Smith

Ego Rape

Land soft again into my arms,

Deny the duplicity, deception of charms.

Awaken the truth, the light and the way,

Set aside the pettiness, and seize the dying day.

Time slides by in endless waves,

Yesterdays tombs, flooded crypts and caves.

Regrets forever sealed, mistakes piled on tragedies,

Against the grain we raged, self inflicted maladies.

Surrender all your silliness, seek your heart for truth,

Beg your God for clarity, await your thoughts to soothe.

Crash delicate upon loves shore,

Humility beckoned you here.

Love is its own just sacred war,

Where victory grips you like fear.

Faithfully seek your soul for honesty,

The rarest form of being.

Cry foul the common brutality,

For EGO rapes us of seeing.

-Jared Bryan Smith

For more original poetry please read my book via books4free.com, smashwords or of course the hard cover hard back via the amazon link below:

Thanks for the support and if you like the book please leave a review on amazon AND smashwords as Indie publishing lives and dies by grassroots support and we appreciate all the word of mouth we get!!

Temporary Empty

Should that teardrop reverberate in the emptiness?

Would that spark ignite the void?

For that which felt like loneliness,

Was preparation for this noise.

Explosions need space to expand,

Love was never lost, just reorganizing.

Exponential tidal wave, emotional reprimand:

Be it real and true,

Then patience will allow it growth,

No jealousy or anger can fool,

No defect can defunct.

Be Cool. As water flows downhill,

Love returns, of its own free will.

-Jared Bryan Smith

PS: More original JB Smith poetry for free in the book Hippopotamus Sea on http://www.books4rfree.com, smashwords via the link on the left, and of course in hard copy via the amazon  link, thanks for your support:

In celebration of the 1st Professional review we’ve allowed the book to be downloaded on smashwords 100% free for a limited time. Smashwords converts the book for  Kindle, Nook, Sony’s reader, the IPAD and more, and Mark Coker is a genius as I’ve blogged about before. I allow Mark’s Smashwords.com site to handle all the digital distribution of the book because it’s simply the cleanest  most effective distributor of ebooks on Earth. Check out the book for free there, I’ll probably keep it free for a few weeks, down from $3.95.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/19066

It’s funny, when I was out there drinking, I was never insecure, shy or passive in any way shape or form, I was quite the opposite, loud, boastful and assertive in almost all aspects of my life. And running the show ended me up absolutely psychotic, so today things are different, I try and follow God’s will.

From a publishing standpoint though, if you’re not blowing your own horn, nobody else is gonna, especially as an Indie writer, but despite being slow, and shy, having sent out the book to only one professional book reviewer, instead of what is suggested by all the blogs and other vanity publishers, sending them to dozens, I couldn’t have handled bad reviews from that many folks. So I just sent to one, Bobbie Crawford McCoy in Canada, Founder of Nurture Your Books. You can find her review on my Amazon page, Smashwords on the front page of my blog, or directly:

http://nurtureyourbooks.com/website/index.php/blog/book-review24/

I was so relieved to finally read it. It’s a good review. That’s all I could ask for, and more importantly to me, she noted the fact that it was honest, and that the motive really is to help other people who may be going through the same struggle.

So now that I’ve gotten a good professional review, I feel much more comfortable sending out the book to multiple book reviewers as was suggested, I just really didn’t have the confidence to spend the time money and energy on that adventure without at least knowing I had one good professional review under my belt.

Thanks Bobbie Crawford McCoy, I can move confidently in the direction of my dreams for a while.

“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”
— Oscar Wilde

-Jared Bryan Smith

 

What an amazing day here in sunny Atlanta, after 6 straight days of cloudy gloomy cover, it was great to tell my story at the 11:30 and hang out with a newcomer friend of mine in the rooms, and talk to him about sobriety about life and about the amazing gift of sobriety.

The first principle of the very first step is honesty. We must at least begin to be honest or we will drink again. If I’m not honest about my 1st Step then there is no hope at all for me what so ever. Fortunately for me, in writing out my first step, or all the negative consequences of drinking and drugging, written out was roughly ten plus pages. It was a glaring admission of powerlessness, and when I was really honest, it showed I was also capable of being a thief, a liar, and adulterer, and worse. All things I’d sworn I’d never be. But the disease of addiction twists and warps our thinking, and one lie turns into ten and ten into a thousand. An honest man is often times called a liar by other men, and only the honest man can say, I really am a liar. Because we all are. But in your heart, one always knows the truth.

And God, God knows the heart of every man woman and child on Earth, before your thoughts are your own God knows them, and he knows your every move before you make them. But more importantly God knows your heart. Are you good? Do you wish good of others, are you hopeful for good for others, or are you mean spirited, vengeful, spiteful, angry and petty? Is yours a heart of love or a heart of hate?

When I came into the rooms of alcoholics anonymous it felt like a switch had been turned in my head. That every thought I had was sick, dark or evil in some way shape or form. It felt like hell. I knew I had to change my thinking some way, some how. My sponsor said “You can’t think your way into right acting, but you can act your way into right thinking.” Or in other words, act as if. Even though all I wanted to do was drink and drug, DONT FUCKING DO IT NO MATTER WHAT, act as if the thoughts had already left me, and eventually they had. But they wouldn’t have if I’d acted on them. Eventually those thoughts did go from bad to good, and I don’t spend my days obsessing over dark things, or my mind go to the worst possible scenario at all times, for no reason. I really have had a spiritual awakening, and I’m grateful as I can be about it.

But I had to work for it. I had to be HONEST in all my dealings, in all my communication, with my sponsor, my peers, my friends, my family, everyone. The truth will always come out, one way or another it always has a way of making itself truly known.

Nobody on Earth is above the human condition, but if you can not grasp the first principle of the very first step, honesty, you are not going to make it very far in the program, no matter how much bullshit you spin. Honesty is crucial, there is no work around, and it applies to every move in the program from your stepwork to your relationships, to your communication with a higher power. Ultimately it comes back to buying and selling your own bullshit. If your mind is still manufacturing bullshit on one side, while the other side is buying it, then you aren’t going to be able to win that battle when the urges and cravings come to call and the voices in your head start getting louder and louder.

I have truly fucked up a lot of stuff in the program, but as my book will attest to, I am brutally honest. To a fault for fucks sake, hell I make fun of my own dick size in juvenile pirson I’m so fucking honest, and for a man, that is a big deal, hahahaha…

I digress… for the record that was from age 13-16, and I was a late bloomer… in fact, I’m still blooming… I’m getting older so I’m counting the sag, lol…

Life is good now, I’m 4.3 years sober or there abouts, I’m Hep C free, I’m saved, I’m in the best shape of my life, and I am honest with my sponsor, my family, and everyone I know, my entire life is quite honestly an open book. It’s the only way I know for an alcoholic, addict like myself to be free.

I honestly probably do spend a little too much time on facebook, and I could quit eating so many damn speckled eggs, but for the most part, my character defects are in check most days. That doesn’t mean I can’t be insensitive though, I am only a human being after all.

Thanks for everyone who came to the 11:30 this morning, it was one of my favorite times sharing my story ever. I didn’t expect to choke up crying when thinking about my father, but I guess we should remember the fallen to this disease from time to time, they weren’t always as bad as they were in those last few years, and I miss him very much.

Thanks again for the support, and hope everyone has an amazing weekend, I am eternally grateful for my AA family, and I hope the hand of AA is always what I give the impression of giving to the world, I never do mean any harm, but sometimes bridges get burned even with good intentions. I’m thick headed sometimes so if I said anything to offend anyone at that meeting, or talk too much about drugs, or drop too many eff bombs I do apologize, it’s just how I talk.

-JB Smith

Country music icon Naomi Judd opens up about being diagnosed with hepatitis C.

For more information, visit http://www.thedoctorstv.com/

Several public figures suffer from hepatitis C and some have died. Celebrities with hepatitis C, according to news reports:

• Gregg Allman Rock musician and founding member of The Allman Brothers Band

• Pamela Anderson: She is perhaps the best-known hepatitis C patient, if only because the former Baywatch star has such a flair for publicity. Her revelation last year that she had the disease prompted innumerable news stories.

• Keith Richards–Guitarist/singer/songwriter/producer and founding member of the Rolling Stones. He claims that due to the strength of his immune system he beat hepatitis C by leaving his body to deal with it

• Ray Benson–Front man of the Austin Western swing band Asleep at the Wheel. Benson chose to treat his hepatitis C with Eastern medicine.

• Steven Tyler–Musician and songwriter in the rock band Aerosmith. In September 2006, he announced that he had been diagnosed three years previous and had just completed eleven months of treatment with interferon.

• Natalie Cole–Singer and daughter of Nat King Cole. She was diagnosed in mid-2008 during a routine examination.

• Willy DeVille One of the founders of the band Mink DeVille and a pioneer in punk rock. He was diagnosed with hepatitis C in February 2009 and was found to have pancreatic cancer during the course of his treatment

• Anthony Kiedis–American vocalist/lyricist of the rock band Red Hot Chili Peppers. He contracted Hepatitis C from regular intravenous drug use in the early 1990s and claims he was cured of the Hep C virus by Ozone therapy

• Naomi Judd: The former nurse and country singer has been one of the best-known hep C celebrities. She retired from the Judds, the duo with daughter Wynonna, in 1991. But she has since undergone treatment and become more active.

• Dusty Hill: The band ZZ Top stopped touring in 2000 because the bassist had hepatitis C. The band began touring again in 2002.

• Evel Knievel: The motorcycle daredevil had a liver transplant more than two years ago and later said doctors could find no trace of the virus in his blood.

• Chuck Negron: He’s the former lead singer on such Three Dog Night classics as “Joy to the World.”

• Larry Hagman: The television actor required a liver transplant in 1995.

• Phil Lesh: One of the founding members of the Grateful Dead, the bass player received a liver transplant several years ago.

• “Superstar” Billy Graham: The former WWF wrestling champion got a liver transplant last year. He thought he contracted the virus by being bled on during wrestling matches years ago.

• David Crosby: The rock star with a fabled history of drug abuse is touring again after receiving a liver transplant in 1995.

• Freddy Fender: The singer of such ’70s hits as “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights” suffers from several health problems, including hepatitis C.

• Jack Kevorkian: The retired pathologist, now serving a prison term for killing a man who had Lou Gehrig’s disease, has hepatitis C, his lawyer says.

• Laurie Bembenek: The former Playboy bunny, whose conviction in a Milwaukee murder and later escape are chronicled in the book Run, Bambi, Run, is free now but suffers from hepatitis C.

• Rolf Benirschke: The former star kicker for the San Diego Chargers got the virus from a transfusion two decades ago. He has used his sports status to raise awareness about the disease.

• Linda Lovelace: The star of the 1972 porn film “Deep Throat” contracted the virus from a transfusion and had a liver transplant in 1987. She died in 2002 at age 53 after a car crash.

• Willie Dixon: The legendary bluesman was diagnosed with hepatitis C shortly before his death in 1992. He contracted the virus from transfusions in 1987.

• Alejandro Escovedo–Musician specializing in roots rock/alternative country, diagnosed in April 2003.

• Mickey Mantle: The baseball great is thought to have contracted hepatitis C during a transfusion for a knee operation. He died of liver cancer in 1995.

• Stormie Jones: The 13-year-old died in 1990 six years after becoming the first person in the world to receive heart and liver transplants in a single operation. Hepatitis C damaged that liver, though, and before she died she received a second liver and treatment for the virus.

• Ken Kesey: The author of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, who died of liver cancer in 2001, suffered from hepatitis C.

• James Earl Ray: The confessed assassin of Martin Luther King Jr. died in 1998 of liver disease after being infected with hepatitis C, probably in a 1981 blood transfusion he received after a prison stabbing.

• Allen Ginsberg: The poet laureate of the Beat Generation died in 1997 after battling hepatitis C for many years. He had terminal liver cancer.

• Lance Loud: The free-spirited son on public television’s “An American Family” in 1971, he died in 2001 of liver failure caused by hepatitis C and HIV.

• Frank Reynolds: Experts speculated at the time that the newsman’s death in 1983 was hastened by the virus later known as hepatitis C, which he may have contracted through a transfusion.

• Benito Mussolini: Did Il Duce, the World War II Italian dictator, have the disease? A new biography speculates that his chronic health problems — stomach pain, fatigue and depression — stemmed from an ulcer and a mild case of hepatitis C.

• Chet Helms Music producer who helped create the vibrant San Francisco rock music scene in the 1960s. He was undergoing interferon treatment for hepatitis C when he suffered a stroke

• Phil Lesh Founding member and bass guitarist of the rock band Grateful Dead. He was diagnosed with hepatitis C in 1992 and received a liver transplant in 1998.

• David Marks Early member of The Beach Boys, who believes that he contracted the disease through drug use. He campaigns to raise awareness, supporting the UK National Health Service’s “FaCe It” campaign.

• Tawn Mastrey Disc jockey who was the voice of 1980s heavy-metal scene in Los Angeles. She contracted hepatitis C when she was a child.

• Kenny Neal New Orleans blues and swamp blues guitar player. He took a year off from performing while receiving treatment and returned to the Monterey Blues Festival in 2007.

• Chuck Negron Vocalist and founding member of Three Dog Night. He contracted hepatitis C due to “the long-lasting effects of drug use and alcoholism”.

• Gary S. Paxton Bakersfield country and gospel music artist. He contracted hepatitis C through several blood transfusions and almost died from the disease in 1990.

• Curtis Salgado Blues, R&B, and soul singer-songwriter-musician. Developed cirrhosis and liver cancer because of hepatitis C. Six benefit concerts were held in 2006 to raise money for his medical bills

• Tony Scalzo Rock musician and songwriter, best known as a founding member of the band Fastball.

• Uncle John Turner Blues musician and one of the founders of the blues-rock style of drumming

• Randy Turner Lead singer for the seminal hardcore punk band Big Boys.

• Christopher Lawford Nephew of John F. Kennedy, best known for his role as Charlie Brent on the soap opera All My Children in the early 1990s. He was diagnosed with hepatitis C in 2001

• Natasha Lyonne Best known for her roles in the first two American Pie films

•Anita Pallenberg –Italian-born model, actress and fashion designer. Also known as the great influence on the development and presentation of the Rolling Stones from the late 1960s and through the 1970s

• Ken Watanabe Japanese actor best known for his role in The Last Samurai. He contracted hepatitis C from a blood transfusion when he was receiving treatment for acute myeloid leukemia

• Stanley Fafara Child actor who played “Whitey” on Leave it to Beaver. He contracted hepatitis C from intravenous drug use

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_hepatitis_C

In 2008 I had just finished over a year of grueling, miserable Interferon Treatment which cured my Hep C, but which was hell. Even after quitting the Interferon I continued to suffer extreme headaches and it felt like some days I was better off while on Interferon. All you can do at that point though is just power through and hope for the best. For me that meant praying the treatment would be successful and it hadn’t all been in vain. For me, it was worth it, I was cured of Hep C, but for far too many, or roughly 50% of the people who do the year-long Interferon treatment, they don’t get cured and still must suffer all the long-term horrific side effects that the scientific, or maybe just the pharmaceutical community downplay so effectively here in the states. I’m lucky because at least my constant headaches, aches and pains mean I am at least cured of Hepatitis C. But in that first month when I wasn’t quite sure yet, since they must let you be off the Interferon for six months before they will pronounce you “cured”, I just had to wait, suffer and wonder. During that time I saw a PBS show that covered the science of the brain.

Dr. Daniel Amen as it turns out was using a new technique to study the brain, and I found it absolutely fascinating, primarily because I was facing so many changes in my own mind, having suffered from the disease of addiction and alcoholism, literally losing my mind, and then in 2008 at roughly 1.5 years sober, recovering from a year-long assault on my mind in the form of Interferon, in the name of curing Hep C. Some of the things his scans showed, called SPECT Scans, were freaking amazing. Mainly that the alcoholic brain in the SPECT scans looked empty and riddled with holes for roughly 12 months after the alcoholic quit drinking! That it took over a year for the alcoholic mind to get back to normal blew my mind, but it made perfect sense. Also he had data showing clearly worse recovery rates of the brain of people who used harder drugs like methamphetamine’s, Cocaine and LSD (lucky me). To me, this looked like conclusive evidence, and the only data I’d ever really seen portrayed as efficiently. Having gotten sober myself, and thinking, hell after 30 days, or 90 days I should be just fine, be right back to normal, and that obviously not happening, I was very glad to see hard data showing that it took longer than I had expected to return to a state of normalcy, and furthermore he had done even more research into the mind, and even delved into looking at the Pharmaceutical Industry’s cure alls, anti depressants, ADHD medication, and even anti anxiety medication. This guy had really done his research with thousands of patients, and the data he shared on the PBS special I was watching was mind-blowing. For one thing I fully expected him to endorse all the meds out there thrown to the American populus but in fact his data refuted it.

I don’t have the charts or the graphs he used in front of me, but let me just give you the gist, and if you’re in a similar situation as I was back then, at least do yourself the favor of researching Dr. Amen’s data yourself, as I include a link at the bottom of this blog.

As I was recovering from a year long fight with Interferon, depression, and roughly 20 years of addiction and suffering from terrible bouts of sadness and more acutely headaches, getting on antidepressants or medications was a serious consideration. The only thing holding me back from it was the experience I’d had with it just before I began Inteferon which was that when I began taking Wellbutrin my cravings to drink and drug went through the roof. As my sponsor told me it was disconnecting me from the spirit, just like a drink or a drug would do. But still I was suffering so I was still considering trying the softer easier way of medications again, especially now that I had over a year sober. I wasn’t making the decision lightly though, and watching this special ultimately made me try exercise instead. As I remember the presentation, what he basically said was that, yes, you could get temporary results against depression and ADHD from medicines but the chart basically showed that like with any drug, to continue experiencing the favored results you would need to continue increasing your dosage, and also you would experience side effects that came along with the drugs, and as you increased your dosage, you would increase you side effects. One of the major side effects being sexual. Well, sorry folks, but fuck that. I like my sexual prowess to remain unaffected, haha. That basically sealed the deal for me but he continued, showing the same chart of moods, but instead of countering them with medicines and pharmaceuticals, countering them with an exercise regimen, that also increased along as your body became more and more capable of handling the work out. The data was spellbinding to me. Basically, the mood stabilizations were equal if not greater than that of the same patients using medicines, except that sexual side effects weren’t experienced, in fact quite the opposite, sex became more enjoyable in my case once I got in shape, and also exercise is free, as well as you didn’t have the other side effects of dry mouth, nausea, etc. and more importantly, you weren’t becoming dependent on chemicals. The effects of exercise long-term, were more effective at creating the natural chemicals in your mind that ultimately make you feel better.

And to back it all up he shared brain scans of different patients using the two different methods, of exercise vs chemical dependency, because that’s what anti depressants become, even if they are prescribed by Doctors, and low and behold the patients with just exercise mind’s were much better in those scans a year later than those who were relying on pharmaceuticals. And yet people still choose the softer easier way and come into the rooms of AA overloaded with prescriptions and anti anxiety medicines, and ultimately, if they make it and that’s a big if, they’ve just switched dependencies.

I’m not a Dr. and AA doesn’t have an opinion on medications, but the data Dr. Amen showed was clear and I’m glad I saw it. Please check out the scans at the link below and I’ll also add his blog to my blogroll as it is fascinating information. And yes I am fully aware of his critics and those that discredit those SPECT scans, but the arguments seem to me much like telling Columbus the world was flat. People on the forefront of technology are constantly getting attacked, and also, for someone so blatantly talking about the ineffectiveness of the pharmaceutical industries cure alls that are over prescribed wish lists of symptom treaters, I would expect nothing less than a full on counter attack. Fuck em the data makes sense to me because I lived it.

Based on his data and the show’s I’ve since incorporated exercise into my program of recovery, and it makes a HUGE difference. If I don’t work out even just for a couple of days, I become prone to depression, and thoughts, although they pass quickly, of the chronic “Fuck It’s” we in recover are prone to. Nothing like the obsession of early recovery mind you, as I am free of that obsession, thank God, but still, if I don’t work out, I definitely can feel a difference. And again, my experience with meds was that they made me feel less connected, where as working out, I experience endorphin rushes, runners high, and after wards often feel as good as having just had sex… well maybe not that good, but closer than I ever have with the meds I’ve flirted with in recovery. Bottom line, though our literature only mentions exercise in one book, “Living Sober” it sure as hell has made a huge difference in my recovery, and I wish we had more studies regarding it’s long term positive effects, versus that of prescribed medications because though Dr. Amen’s data was conclusive to me, there is still a lot of debate out there, and I’d love to see the issue settled, with hard conclusive facts.

I would really also love for Dr. Amen to do a specific study of the brain effects, before and afterwards of both Chemo and interferon patients, and maybe he has and I just haven’t seen it. Because the scientific community claims it doesn’t affect the brain but I’m here to tell you there are long term ramifications to interferon, I can no longer do math in my head, remember names as well, and more and though they may not be able to prove it through blood work, I wonder if Dr. Amen’s scans show a difference.

Oh the other thing I definitely wanted to mention, and if you’ve ever spent ANY amount of time in the rooms of AA or NA this is something you constantly hear, “but I’m an insomniac, or I have trouble sleeping.” Exercise is the BEST way on Earth to counter insomnia. Nobody, and I mean nobody on Earth goes through boot camp, and can’t fall asleep at night! Yesterday I ran 13 miles in two hours, and guess what, I slept like a baby. If you have trouble sleeping, before you go get nyquil, or good forbid prescription meds to go to sleep, incorporate exercise. Those chemicals are mood changers and I’ve taken them and know for a fact they change the way you feel that night, but also for the day or two following, and we are too sensitive to be flirting with that kind of disaster. If you have bad knees and can’t run, join a gym and swim. The human body spent hundreds of thousands of years wallking, running and exercising on a daily basis and evolution hasn’t caught up to the fact that we no longer use our bodies for survival and therefore all of us generally have pent up energy at the end of our days. Add to that scientific fact, the fact that we made ourselves pass out to go to sleep for years on end, and OF COURSE YOU HAVE TROUBLE GOING TO SLEEP, we all did early on, and I’m here to tell you, simply add exercise daily to your life, and you will find you no longer have a problem sleeping. Even if you just start out by walking a mile or two a day, start some where, this is scientific fact… and if you’re around me, and don’t work out, don’t whine about not being able to sleep. It’s simple cause and effect. And it’s really simple, as Nike says: Just do it!

http://www.amenclinics.com/brain-science/spect-image-gallery/

– Jared Bryan Smith

Pharmaceuticals, Doctors, AA and Sobriety

It is clear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Alcoholics Anonymous, has no stance on outside issues, and this includes the use of pharmaceuticals, prescribed by Doctors to help the newcomer get off alcohol and more illicit drugs. I used Librium to fight detox on two occasions, and I’m glad it existed, as the time I detoxed with nothing, was a freaking nightmare, so I get the good that they are capable of, though I never used them for more than a few days to get past the worst of the shakes and dt’s.

What does concern me though, is when a newcomer comes into the rooms, has several different Doctors, is cross diagnosed as manic depressive, borderline personality disorder, let us not forget the ever popular Bipolar diagnosis, and of course each and every one of us qualifies for ADHD, and is on several different kinds of heavy legally prescribed drugs, and then can’t figure out, why at 90 days they aren’t feeling any better.

It was refreshing therefore to see a speaker yesterday who’d been diagnosed schizophrenic, and a few other diagnoses and had all the accompanying symptoms, have a Doctor tell him, “I don’t think you are any of these things, just a plain old fashioned garden variety alcoholic, and I believe if you just practice the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, you will feel 100% relief from all these supposed conditions.” The Doctor then told him, “We will keep a close eye on you, expect some moderate to severe discomfort the first week or two as you cycle all these meds out of your system, but as you come into week three, four and five, I’ll be willing to bet you begin feeling considerably better, especially if you stay on top of your program and continue going to lots of meetings and working the steps.”

The speaker from last night told us he immediately began to feel better. His mind began to clear almost instantly, that it was uncomfortable the first few days, but after a week, he began to feel the light like he’d never felt it before and he was something in the neighborhood of six months sober. Those meds had been blocking the sunlight of the spirit however, and for the first time, he really began to feel relief. He said he believed those meds had been keeping his mind fuzzy for months on end and as soon as he stopped the fog began to lift. Most Doctors do not understand this miracle that is recovery. Since 1939 people with as bad and worse cross addictions, and emotional disorders have been getting sober through AA without medications, and yet, now, in 2010, it seems, every woman and man that comes in to the program comes clutching on to two or three pill bottles, for two or three different diagnoses. Though AA doesn’t have a stance on medications, I feel like we should at least tell people, “Listen, should you do it your way with all these meds and find the results still wanting, remember there is another way.” The Founders, and for decades millions, of AA’ers got sober, without any meds at all. Having anxiety is a normal part of getting sober, which is the God sized hole we must fill with the program of action.

 

I by no means speak for AA and I by no means advocate not listening to your doctor, but AA does have a pamphlet you can share with you Doctor at the link below, and it was just good to hear a speaker talk about how it had worked for him, specifically dropping his medications, and giving 100% chemical freedom a chance.

I know for me, when I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C, and began taking Interferon, which I wouldn’t wish on Osama Bin Laden (well maybe him), they told me to take Wellbutrin, because the awful side effects were so strong they were surely going to make me depressed. But after just a few days of that medication, after being completely sober a year, 100% chemical free, I felt completely disconnected from God. I quit taking them that day and instantly felt better. I did my entire year without anti depressants, anti anxiety or pain medications because I didn’t want to feel disconnected from God as I went through that year of low level chemotherapy to clear my body of Hepatitis C. I’d felt the connection with God, and I didn’t want anything to sever that, more so that the Interferon itself would have to. I can’t imagine what it must be like getting sober, with those kinds of chemicals keeping you separated from the very beginning. It may make the first few days easier, like Librium, but I bet when you’re rounding the 90 day and 6 month timeframes of sobriety, you just aren’t as connected as someone who has been getting sober without all the psychological meds.

Again, I’m no official, or Doctor, but my experience strength and hope is that, just as I couldn’t get sober on the Marijuana Maintenance program, I doubt real sobriety comes while on a cocktail of pharmaceuticals. If you are on a cocktail and you don’t feel like you’re getting the results, just remember that you haven’t tried all the ways of sobriety just yet. Please just be aware that there is another way, the way of 100% chemical freedom, no medications other than Tylenol, Advil and the like. Show the following AA pamphlet to your doctor, and honestly ask them, “Could this approach work for me? Could we at least try it for 90 days, and if it’s not yielding results you can always go back to all the meds, but don’t give up, don’t stop persevering or relapse back into the old drinking and drugging ways, without at least giving every single avenue, every single creek that leads to the river and ocean of life, a chance. Many more people have gotten sober without all the medications in the last 10 to 20 years, than have with them, and if it feels like it’s not working, just remember, there is one more way.

If you are on a bunch of meds and it’s your first time in AA, don’t beat yourself up, who can blame anyone for doing as their Doctors suggests? We are all just proud of you for being here in the first place and we will love you until you learn to love yourself, it just makes sense to be aware that there is another way of doing things, and the purists, over the past 70 years, cumulatively have a lot of sobriety. So if it’s not working your way, remember, there is another path that may hurt more on the front end, but that many believe, pays huge dividends as you work the 12 Steps clean and sober, without any medications. If nothing else seems to be working, isn’t it worth a try?

http://www.aa.org/catalog.cfm?origpage=189&product=33

-Jared Bryan Smith

 

So recently I’ve been asked a few times about the dedication in the beginning of my book, given to Rand Hopkins who was a mentor to me in my writing from early on. He, my Uncle and my father were good friends dating years back in the Atlanta theater scene as they worked on such productions as “The Boy King”, a play about Martin Luther King’s childhood and several other plays in Atlanta during the eighties. My Dad had a sound recording studio in the basement, prior to his death, and this was where they recorded the scores for all of those plays.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0394259/

Rand Hopkins was a writer, an actor, and even a talented painter, and my Aunt still has several of his paintings. He was also a very jovial, loving man, who was one of the few people on Earth who could tell me good stories about my Dad after he died in 1989 of alcoholism, or suicide rather, but still when someone dies like that most of the stories take dark turns. Only a handful of people were able to tell me good things about my Dad, and he was one of them. A particular funny story involved my dad going outside to take a piss and coming back in screaming and yelling about a dog almost biting his dick off, and as Rand would tell the story he’d be in tears with the theatrics, and his laughter was a contagious sort, so I’d be in tears laughing about my dad’s antics. That was a kind thing of him to do, and I was grateful, then and now.

Shortly after my father passed, my mom allowed me to go to NYC with a group of kids that Rand would host, and we would visit all the Broadway Plays in New York City. What an adventure for a 12 year old. We would have a blast. My mom gave me a few hundred bucks spending cash, and I remember hitting Time Square and finding every arcade I could possibly find, and just spending hours and hours in them. Rand didn’t mind just so long as I made it back to the hotel before midnight or so. While we were in NYC we saw a ton of plays, from Phantom of the Opera, to Miss Saigon, Les Miserable, and even a few off broadway productions as well, including one in which we sat second or third row and Ralph Macchio from the Karate Kid was the lead actor. I remember watching it and marveling at the differences between plays and movies with the Karate Kid a few feet from me, remembering his lines flawlessly, but still so much more human than on the big screen.

As the years passed we lost touch, especially as my drug and drinking use accelerated. But at a few critical moments I would reach out to him and share with him my writings, and he would encourage me, and tell me I was talented and I should continue writing. He sent me a copy of the Writer’s Market around 1998, and then again in 2004, when we reconnected after I was cast, quite accidentally, in “Miracle on 32nd Street” due to Gwen’s insistence. That’s another story you can find in the book. It was just a few weeks after my mama had died of cancer, and Gwen had left me for San Diego. I was withdrawing from all opiates and doing my damnedest not to kill myself drinking, or at this point, the way my father had gone. We talked briefly one night about a month after my mom, and he said something to the effect of “Live out your dreams JB, because life is short and you just never know when you might get run over by a bus. Write a book about everything you’ve gone through, because you’ve gone through a lot, and it will help you heal.” Literally a month later Rand Hopkins died suddenly in his sleep. I dropped out of that play, unable to contain my drinking binges, and completely incapable of showing up to anything on time or with any kind of consistency, but because of that play, and the people at the play house I heard about Rand’s death, and otherwise, I doubt I would have ever even heard. Funny how life works out like that.

I wasn’t invited to the funeral. Or maybe I was, and they just couldn’t get a hold of me. That’s the predicament of being a black out drunk, it’s hard to blame folks for lost invites, but the significance of that man, his words and his sentiment was never lost on me. He believed in me as a writer, and because he was an award winning writer himself I believed in him. If anybody else had said it I wouldn’t have believed them.

He had awesome connections and friends, and I sometimes wonder if I could reach any of them, but I know he knew Michael Jay Fox and also helped out Kenan Thompson who was also from my hometown of Atlanta, GA, early on in his career, though I’m not real sure the extent or depth of either friendships.

Still, I wish he’d been here to see my book launched, and could have helped me a little to promote it, and more than that, to tell me what he really thought. The good die young it seems. I suppose I should rejoice that I had him in my life as long as I did, and be proud that I did complete the project.

I dedicated the book to him because more than anyone else, his encouragement and faith in my writing meant the absolute most to me over the years. He was a good friend and I miss him much.

-Jared Bryan Smith